Written on the 12th on another website.


Home scale yesterday said 122.2. Fucking nuts. I cannot believe I am that small. It's difficult to imagine that I'm actually only 2 lbs heavier than my long term healthy goal weight. Whaaaaat.

Problem is, I don't feel like I've lost half the weight I actually want to lose. I still look at myself and see fat everywhere. I figure I'd need at least 10-15 more lbs to actually be small, to start with. I also feel like there's a part of me, hanging out in the back of my brain, that doesn't necessarily want to stop. That just wants to get smaller and smaller and smaller indefinitely. I guess that would be the anorexic bitch who still lives in there, despite the fact that I haven't truly given in to her for a very very long time. She's waiting for her comeback chance, and is willing to be patient, and lose weight slowly for now, so that she doesn't actually get stamped out. Biding her time.

I'm afraid that she's never going to go away. I'm afraid of her going away. Ambivalence. Turns out that one of my major obstacles to recovery is this bloody ambivalence, which seems to exist in every part of my life, not just ED, and I suspect that its resolution may take a long time. I am in a place where I am semi-safe and do eat at least enough to function right now, but I won't always be here. Will the ambivalence get resolved enough before I leave M House that I don't fall right back into ED? Or will I leave and start my downward spiral again?

Uncertainty.

So today I went to the Y for the first time, and when I went into the locker room I found... a scale. I POUNCED on it, because I haven't seen a scale in weeks. I weighed myself first with my hoodie & shoes, and the scale said something like 127. However, with shoes and sweatshirt off, it said I was 124.2. O.o. I hardly believe it, honestly. I mean, I still had my gym pants, t-shirt and undergarments on, and I had eaten that day, and it says 124.2? I suspect it might be a bunch of bullshit. I'm going to weigh myself when I go home tomorrow, on the scale I trust, so I'll be able to tell then how accurate my weigh-in was today.

I'm excited about the prospect of regular access to a scale, though, nonetheless. I might start going to the Y at least 2-3 times a week, as long as my energy keeps up. I mean, I can go anytime it's open and not pay a cent, and it's about a 10 or 15-minute walk from the house. What's there to lose, really? I just have to try not to let the weight and calories aspect of the whole thing consume me. I don't know if I can do that, but we'll see, I guess.