Eating my usual meals and snacks, and not binging and purging, has gotten slightly easier. On the other hand, I am feeling a lot of things that I really don't want to feel, and it sucks pretty hard. Of course, I knew this would happen, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with, unfortunately :/. BUT I seem to be coming up with a decent amount of insights already, and I haven't even been here for two weeks. Knowing the reasons for things is helpful, because it allows me to challenge old assumptions and beliefs that I otherwise would never have been able to challenge (because I would have just assumed they were all inescapably true, and would think it was too difficult, or even absurd, to question them).

For example, if I had assumed I was deserving of pain because nobody really loves me (in a general sense), I can look at the times in my life when I didn't perceive that I was loved, and figure out from that where it all sort of started, and the circumstances behind it. Knowing that my mother was a huge source of I-never-feel-loved, and realizing that she likely has issues of her own that prevent her from being able to express her love in a way that I can intuitively understand and believe, helps me to be able to reframe things, and say to myself, "Actually, she did love you. She just didn't know how to show it." And so even though my experiences still hurt, and still make me feel angry with her (and slightly bitter), I have the basis to be able to think that maybe I was loved, or maybe in the future I could be loved.

There are about a thousand and one faulty assumptions and beliefs I have that need to be challenged this way, and I know it's going to take awhile to sink in... not to mention that on an emotional level I still need to process the hurts, and all the other feelings that come with all the crap in my head. My brain, as I have discovered, can move a hell of a lot more quickly than my feelings. So all this cognitive work is going to have to be applied and applied and applied, a thousand times over, before my emotions are even going to recognize it, let alone accept it.

I am realizing that if I wait to be ready, or to feel better, or to have things make sense before I try to do the cognitive changes, I am NEVER going to do the cognitive stuff, and I'm also never going to get better. So even though it feels backasswards to do things starting at my brain and trying to extend to my feelings, it's the only thing I can think of to do that might actually help. The feelings themselves simply do not change on their own. So using my brain (which I can control) to try and help myself move past all the emotions that are keeping me stuck is actually the ONLY thing I can do to help myself in a practical way. I mean, I could do years of analytical or very deep therapies, but without trying to retrain my brain, all these automatic thoughts and associated feelings are just going to continue, and everything is going to keep feeling like shit. Or I can try to put new patterns of thought into my brain to replace the old ones that make me feel like shit, and someday, when the new patterns actually get grasped and absorbed by my brain, maybe I will feel better (as well as think better). That's the idea, anyway. And it's worked for other people (as I've read in Life Without Ed, among other books I've come across lately), so why can't it work for me?

I don't know how much sense any of this makes. It's all kind of a jumble in my head, to be honest. I'm still trying to piece it all together. All this cognitive and emotional and no-behaviors stuff is all waves crashing into each other, and separating it all sometimes is like pulling taffy. But I hope that with enough time, effort, and patience, I will be able to organize and process it all, and thereby actually start a true, and PERMANENT, road of recovery.

Day 3 at the house... it seems to get slightly harder every day. ED, of course, is constantly, or near constantly, chattering in my head about everything I "should" be doing that I'm not doing -- namely, binging, purging, and restricting. Of course, I am not currently listening to that voice; but it gets extremely tiresome and frustrating to hear it constantly yapping and yammering in my brain. I get about 3290583958 urges a day to do something ED. At this point I know that voice is probably not going to quiet itself for long in the next few days, or probably even the next few weeks. It's something I'm just going to have to ride out, and just yell back at to SHUT THE FUCK UP every time it gets particularly annoying. No matter where I had gone for treatment, it would have done exactly the same thing... if in fact I had been able to GET to any other treatment anytime soon, which is doubtful at best. So it's a really, really good thing I was able to go to M House now. It really is.

One thing I have found an invaluable resource is "Life Without Ed". I had previously refused to read it (at least within my own head) because it really seemed like the cliche recovery book to me, and for that reason alone I wouldn't touch it. I have this thing where if something is EXTREMELY popular, and everyone constantly talks about it and gushes over it, there's a really good chance I just won't go near it because all the hype annoys me so much. Anyway, I* happened to have it here, so I thought I would actually try reading it, especially since I've never really read any kind of ED book (recovery or not) with the honest, full intention of using it in a good way. And I'm glad I let her give it to me to borrow, because it's honestly AMAZING. I feel like so, so many chapters basically describe my exact headspace, or way of thinking. She was both anorexic and bulimic, and I suppose in a way I have been both myself, so it's GREAT. I would honestly recommend it for anybody with an ED, though, not just someone who has a "combo" like I have/had. I realized that for awhile I have already conceptualized ED the way she does, except that I don't put a gender or any sort of human face on ED. Instead, ED is kind of a shapeless, faceless shadow in my head that lurks around and tells me lots of ludicrous bullshit about myself. In many ways I can, now, distinguish the ED voice from my own mind, so when the ED voice starts blabbing and won't shut up, I yell at it to go away, as I said before. It my only listen for a short time now, but there will come a time when it will be silent for longer and longer periods. I know this first-hand, as I've experienced it multiple times. But I'm DETERMINED not to relapse this time. NO MORE FUCKING BEHAVIORS.

Anyway, I'm out of computer time now, so I must go. I'll try to update when I can, although I must confess I may not be able to read any threads. Right now, reading anything involving active self-destruction is simply too upsetting and triggering for me, and I can't do it. Part of my recovery, by necessity, is going to involve phasing things like my regularity on self-harm and eating disorder places out of my life. I can't get better from an addictive-type behavior, or a set of such behaviors, if I'm constantly reading about it and focusing on it and remembering the million and one reasons I used to do it in the first place. You know?

I'll update again when I can.

I am scared out of my mind about M House tomorrow. My anxiety is bad enough that it's making it hard to get anything done tonight in the way of packing, etc. I may try to do some later, or I may just wake up early tomorrow and do it. I'm probably more likely to be able to be calm tomorrow morning. On the other hand, I don't want to, say, wake up too late tomorrow and accidentally leave myself with too little time, or something like that. I don't have an alarm clock anymore since my cat knocked my phone into the fish tank a few days ago. (Oh, wait, I didn't mention that? Yeah... the replacement won't be here till at least tomorrow or Wednesday. Sucks. :|

All day today my brain has been alternating between and .

Weight today was 103.8... up a pound from yesterday. I seem to be gaining weight like crazy. I mean, when you consider that on about the 20th I was at 96.4 lbs, 103.8 IS quite a high weight to be at. But I am aware that at least 1-2 lbs of this weight is rehydration, and I may also be retaining some water. Still, though, the gain is really hard to deal with mentally.

However, I am going to be doing something that is probably/likely/hopefully going to help with this. You see, I have decided to go back to M House for at least another month or two. I've already talked to my old social worker / counselor there (I*) and written up the goals I want to work on, and she's talked to the other social workers and some of the staff, and they all thought it sounded like a good idea. Plus they actually have beds free now, which they don't always. So I'm set to come in next Tuesday afternoon.

I know that this announcement probably sounds like it's completely coming out of left field, but it actually makes a lot of sense. The funny thing was, it was my dietician's idea. I had been telling her that it wasn't that I didn't want to give up binging and purging, but that I just couldn't, and I explained to her why. Basically, the reason is that I can't deal with all the emotional fallout, plus the other urges that I know would probably come after ED was gone (like cutting, suicidal ideation, etc). So then she said, "Well, why not stop binging and purging and go to M House?" I sort of brushed off the suggestion at first, but then I was like... "Wait now. What if I actually DID stop b/ping, and then I checked into M House to deal with the fallout?"

It was seriously like she had thrown a load of bricks on top of my head, the idea hit me so hard. For months and months I've been thinking that I was never going to find anywhere that could treat both my ED and the underlying stuff, and help me deal with urges of all kinds, including self-harming type ones. And the truth is that M House doesn't "do" eating disorders, at least not per se. But they know me quite well, since I spent four months there two years ago, and I also know them, so I know that they actually can help me deal with all the underlying stuff, and probably pretty well.

As for the ED... well, I have made a commitment to myself that once I am there, I am throwing ED out the fucking window, and whatever happens happens. The idea of going back is that I stop all the behaviors, more or less (I recognize that I will probably have slips, but I don't intend to let them become relapses), and then use the 24/7 support system of M House to deal with whatever random and/or horrid bullshit comes up once I do so. One of my goals, the first one of three, is very specific: a) "Eat 3 square meals + 1-2 snacks a day [and adjust plan if dietician says I should]" and b) "NO binging and/or purging. Work with staff to cope with urges instead of using ED behaviors." I had to write it exactly like that, because a) could so easily be manipulated if I had said "3 meals" (I could make them smaller) or "1 snack, 2nd snack optional" (no 2nd snack on days I feel 'fat') or even "1 night snack" (because then if I have a snack at afternoon & want another one at night I will fight with myself about having it, etc). And with b) I had to write and/or instead of just and, because then I could decide "Oh, well, I can still purge just this once" or "Oh, if I binge this one time but don't purge it's not so bad". NO. I need to stop ED in its fucking tracks, and not let it warp me and twist me around this way. So the little things may not seem so important, but they really really are.

That being said, though, I've also agreed to go back to the IOP program for at least a few things, like a couple of meal supports a week, the dietician (well, I guess that one's a given), probably family therapy, that sort of thing. I may also ask to redo body image group, although it's psychoeducational and I don't generally like those sorts of groups... but body image is most definitely something I need to work on again, and so I probably should anyway, even if I've heard all the material before. I want to do the family therapy basically because my parents don't really know the full extent of the ED, and also because we just don't talk about any part of it, ever, even when the signs are ridiculously obvious (like the last couple of times I lost weight, etc). This whole shame and secrecy thing I've kept going is something I really need to work on, and I'm hoping this is going to be a start. Not to mention that I'd like to dispel some ideas my parents seem to have about my mental illness(es) in general, such as that they thought it would all just "go away", and I'd never end up in hospital again, and blah blah blah.

I do know that once I'm in M House, I am going to do anything and everything in my power to avoid not feeling, whether consciously or unconsciously. I suspect there's going to be a lot of anxious blanking out and dissociation happening, which I'm probably going to need to talk to I* about, since she may need to remind me of what we'd been talking about, or ease off if it gets too bad, etc. But I'm not going to let anything, be it behaviors or urges or just plain shit I can't control like dissociating, stop me from dealing with my crap. As I said to I* when I met with her on Wednesday, I am just sick of all this disordered shit, and I know that in order to get past it I have to go through it. I've been avoiding and numbing and binging and purging my feelings for so, so long, and it hasn't helped anything -- if anything it's gotten worse. If I am to actually live again, and not just exist as a chronically disordered person, I have to deal with all the things I've been avoiding thinking about and dealing with. I have to feel -- really, truly feel. And it is terrifying. But I HAVE to do this.

So that's basically the essence of it. I want to beat ALL these fucking disorders, and get my goddamned life back. I'm sick of wasting my time on disorders. I AM GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE, SO FUCK YOU, ED. I won't be your slave anymore.