So I had my psychiatrist appointment today, and I told him about the eating disorder stuff. Result? I am being put on a teeny tiny amount of Prozac (10mg) in addition to my Effexor. I'm not sure what that's supposed to do, exactly, but he seemed to think it might help, so I might as well try it *shrug*. There was once a time when I would have giggled and/or shuddered at the thought of being put on the poster medicine for depression, but nowadays I just don't care. After being put on so many damned psychiatric meds, one more doesn't really make much difference, despite the cliché that's been made of this one's name.

Doctor's appointment tomorrow, and liaison nurse meeting on Thursday. I have appointments coming out my ears. Oh well. I guess it's better than not getting shit done... right?

Time to drink some more water. Au revoir!

Having gotten three distinct numbers from my scale this morning -- 119.2, 120, and then 119.6 -- I'm going to stick with 119.6.

I hate my scale. -.-

Daily weigh-in: 120. BAH. Apparently even the exercise I did yesterday didn't help. Stupid fucking thing. Since I'm only going to be awake for about seven or eight hours today, today will be a fast day. And, since I'll be home alone, maybe I can do anoher fast day tomorrow... we'll see.

Daily weigh-in: 119.6. Not too worried. I hear that sodium can put on water weight... not sure if that's true or not. But either way, 0.4 pounds in the gain doesn't bother me too much. I'm just glad it didn't reach 120 again...

Why is it that despite reading about people's medical complications and deaths from eating disorders, I can't fucking stop? Why this drive to be thin thin thin? Why this self-starvation? What the fuck is it proving? How quickly I can lose weight? How quickly I can lose health? Or just how pathetic and fucked-up I really am?

Jesus, girl. You really are a stupid idiot. No wonder no hospital wants to treat you. You're just an attention-seeking shit and you always will be. And the biggest problem is that not even people like your psychologist or psychiatrist really care about you -- they just try to treat you because you show up to appointments and they get paid for it. Your friends hardly go places with you. Your family doesn't even give a shit if you sit locked in your room all day. You might as well accept it. NOBODY FUCKING CARES.

It's amazing to me that I'm not suicidal these days. I know that I could be, though, if certain things changed. Should I or should I not hope these things change? I don't know. I don't know anymore.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

"I'm so exciiiited... and I just can't hiiide it..."

Daily weigh-in: 119.2!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

And you know what this means, boys and girls... time to set new goal weights!

Previous:
STG: 120
LTG: 105

Now:
STG: 110
LTG: 100

And in other wicked news, I just registered for my university courses and got everything I needed. AND I'm going to a movie with a friend tonight.

Today is a good day!!!

Daily weigh-in: 120.4! Point-four pounds until my short term goal!!! :D

The barbecue on Tuesday night was absolutely horrid -- I ended up going on a purging spree -- but Wednesday was awesome. We'll see what happens today. :)

Daily weigh-in: 121.2. Well, at least I didn't gain.

Okay... what does it mean when for a few moments you suddenly start to feel really really warm and rather weak (sitting down), but then your blood seems to cool off, and you check your pulse and it's barely there? And then, in another couple of minutes, it feels like your blood is running cold through you? I'm just assuming it's an eating disorder symptom because nothing else that I know of could be causing it.

Any thoughts?

Daily weigh-in: 121.4. Sweeet! New low weight! :)

I do feel a little bad that people are/were getting inspired by my fast weight loss -- because I'm not just "restricting" anymore. I am, quite literally, fasting/starving. And I hope that none of you restrictors ever come to that point, because lord knows what the hell I'm doing to my body to achieve this weight loss. Plus, at least you guys get to eat. It'd be nice if I felt like I was able to allow myself my old 500 calories a day...

Daily weigh-in: 122.4. Creepin down again. As well I should be when I'm on a fast. :)

Oh, also, I changed the fast. I'm on it for today as well as tomorrow (and was on it yesterday). If anyone wants to join me they are free to :). My particular fast is water and 0-cal drinks, but you can tweak it however you want... juice fast, liquids fast, etc.

Two-day fast

Weigh-in: 122.8. All right. I tried to make yesterday a fast day, but I couldn't do it, so I ate anyway. Today... today will be a fast day. And, actually, so will tomorrow. NO food or caloric liquids. If I end up breaking this, for the love of God, scold me, please. It's time I started showing this weight shit who's boss.

I fasted for three and a half days once. I can do this. And I am not going to let my body argue with me this time. I WILL BEAT YOU, MOTHERFUCKER. :@

Okay. Time for some honesty.

Pretty miserable right now. Dysthymia's back full-force because of the ED, but because of the dysthymia I have absolutely no motivation to even try and get better (not that it ever works). I still take my antidepressant, but I don't eat enough for it to absorb properly.

I don't know how to recover. I've tried to eat more -- I end up purging every time. I try to eat healthier things, like wraps and so forth -- I get nauseous (what the fuck?). My skin is drying out and I didn't get my period this month and I'm depressed and irritable and all I want to do is starve starve starve.

Maybe I'll just never get the fuck out of this. Not that I really believe I deserve to. In my mind, if I'm stupid enough to keep starving myself, I deserve whatever consequences come to me.

*sigh*

Weigh-in: 122.4. Grr. Fuck this shit. :@

Daily weigh-in: 122.6. Well, I figured a weight gain would be inevitable sometime. Plus I always seem to gain at least a little when I don't sleep well, like last night. Oh well. I'll lose it again sooner or later.

Daily weigh-in: 121.8.

Today's challenge will be the barbecue we're having here tonight. Not looking forward to that...

I had to get both my pairs of jeans taken in three inches... how's THAT for progress? Lol.

Also, I didn't get any "real" clothes while shopping, but I did get a really cute pair of Strawberry Shortcake pyjama pants. I like them. :)

Daily weigh-in: 122.8. *cheers* :D

Today: First I'm going to a tailor shop to see if I can get my two new pairs of jeans taken in *cough*, then I've got my psychologist appointment, and after that Mom's going to take me shopping. I'm not sure what I'm going to buy, since fall stuff is not even out yet, but we'll see. Maybe some more jeans... lol.

Daily weigh-in: 123.8. Not so bad, I suppose. Could be better.

Today I'm going to eat some fruit and stuff, I think. Particularly, there is a container of strawberries in the fridge calling my name :). According to Fitday.com, 10 medium ones is 36 cals... a little bit of Splenda to sweeten them and they should taste great, I hope. Usually I use a dip, but I'm not willing to have the extra calories of a dip.

I may also include a small bit of Gatorate today, too, just to keep my electrolytes up a bit. I swear I'm turning into a hypochondriac now -- but maybe that's not such a bad thing, considering.

Anyway, must go. Have to wash hair and get ready to go to library + Walmart with my friend. Hope everyone has a good day! :)

The closest I could come to an accurate weigh-in today was 124.4. My scale is jumping all over the place and gave me at least three different weights. Maybe it's time I invested in that new battery... *sigh*. I really don't have the money for that shit, but if it's the only way I'm going to get an accurate reading from my scale...

Daily weigh-in: 124. I fucking love this. The pounds are just dropping away. This makes me even less likely to want to force-feed myself. *shrug* Oh well!

I tried to get my photos today, but for some reason the stupid bank hadn't yet transferred my money, so I couldn't get them. Grr. On the other hand, I did get all my medications refilled, which is a good thing. So my trip wasn't in vain.

Yesterday I bought some Diet A&W Root Beer, and low-cal C-plus (5 calories per measured cup). I haven't tried either of them yet, but I'll let you know if they're any good. The C-plus is sweetened with Splenda, which totally made my day when I saw it. I really loathe aspartame, although I do occasionally have drinks with aspartame, when I just can't stand plain water anymore. The root beer has aspartame, but I was willing to give it a try anyway, because I love regular A&W root beer. We'll see how it turns out.

Anyway, I zoned out of this entry long ago, so I might as well end it.

My food today: One piece of gum, half an apple, and half a fat-free Fudgsicle. And I'm afraid to eat anything else with calories because it would be too much.

Clearly, my brain's starting to go down the drain now. I should be worried, but I'm not.

Oh well.

Daily weigh-in: 125. Not so bad. I don't really want to eat today, so that's a plus.

Later I'm going out to get some prints of digital photos. I'm excited -- I think they'll be awesome :).

Daily weigh-in: 124.8. And that was with breaking the fast twice (although I purged one of those times). I loves it, I do. ♥

I could honestly see myself only eating every couple of days. Last night, when I had my apple (the food I kept down), immediately after I started berating myself to an extreme. And this morning, when I woke up and thought vaguely about eating, my brain screamed at me, "No food... no food! Eating is bad... EATING IS BAD!!" And I was like, "Okay! Shut up already!" Clearly this ED stuff is now going to extremes; but I'm too tired to fight my own brain screaming at me. It's easier to just give into it.

I never really imagined it would get like this. That being said, though, I don't really care. I just don't. Let it do what it wants to do. I could give two shits.

Daily weigh-in: 126. Sweeeet. I haven't been enjoying my fast much in the last day or so, mostly because I've been nauseous (on the way home yesterday, when it was very warm out) and had weird feelings in my belly all day, but clearly it's doing me some good ^_^. That, in my opinion, makes it worth it.

I have to get bloodwork done today, and it's probably going to be a bitch, because ever since this eating disorder began they've had a shitload of trouble taking my blood. Fasting, of course, does NOT help at all. Ugh. :/

And now I must start to get ready to walk to the bus. Stupid buses... I hate them. Blech.

I just finished the book "Slim to None" by Jennifer Hendricks... a really great read. She died of anorexia when she was 25 after struggling with it for eleven years and being in treatment for ten years. None of her treatments really got to the root of her problems. It was a real eye-opener for me in terms of just how ineffective therapeutic and medical techniques for treating anorexia can often be in "hardcore" or "terminal" cases. The only comfort I have is knowing that if I ever end up developing anorexia, I firmly believe that treatment would be possible for me.

At the same time, reading that book made me feel like a terrible, worthless person who deserves her eating disorder. I certainly deserve it more than that girl did. I just see myself as being too fucking lazy and selfish to try and recover from this. Maybe it's not true, but that's what I think anyway. I know I will try to cling to this coping mechanism for as long as it works for me, which makes me far worse than her. She tried so, so hard to get better, and here I am clinging to it with all my might. Ugh. Sometimes I really hate myself.

Daily weigh-in: 127.4. Took long enough!!!

My scale is STILL being a bitch, so as I continued to weigh myself it went from 128 to 128.4. Then, when I purposely uncalibrated it and recalibrated it, it went to 128.8! Could this be a problem with the battery, do you think? The battery is supposed to last a year, but clearly my scale is not doing what it should be doing. Anyway, I got 128.4 three times in a row before uncalibrating the scale, so I think that's probably closer to my real weight than 128.8 (cause, I mean, I fasted all day yesterday), so I'm using 128.4 as my weight for the day. Stupid fucked-up scales making everything confusing. -.-

Speaking of the fast, it is going surprisingly well. I wasn't hungry at all yesterday -- had a bunch of water and probably about half a glass of Coke Zero. I was hungry when I woke up this morning, but it's not as bad now. I'm going to get a glass of water soon, though, 'cause I'm thirsty.

Someone tell me how to fix my stupid scale? :/

My scale was being a bitch today, so it told me numbers from the mid 127s all the way to the high 128s. It settled on 128.8 after awhile, so I guess I have to take that as my weight for the day. I wish it HAD been in the 127s or lower 128s, though. :/

Well, at least this fast will almost certainly make me drop weight. I'm looking forward to it -- and to not eating. Eating has been starting to disgust me lately, honestly. To me it's just like, "Why do I have to be so weak and give into food all the fucking time? Plan my days around the consumption of foods? This is fucking stupid." At least I can get away from that for awhile. I like it.

So... I have joined the group fast being put off by [an LJ user], which will involve the consumption of only water, zero calorie drinks, and possibly multivitamins. I do have to add two crackers per morning, because I need to take my Effexor with food, but other than that not a morsel shall touch my lips. :)

I think this is a really good idea. I feel the need to cleanse myself -- and since it's not possible, mentally or emotionally, to do so right now, I will go for physical instead. This disgusting, filthy body needs a good cleaning, and I intend to give it one.

Daily weigh-in: 129.

...... not pleased.

My mom told me, "Don't lose anymore weight... you've lost enough. What you need to do now is get in shape."

I've got two words for you, Mom: Fuck you. I will lose weight if I want to, and you sure as hell can't stop me. So screw off and leave me the fuck alone.

Daily weigh-in: 129.2, again. Arrrrrrrrgh. Of course, stupid me ended up drinking about 3/4ths of a glass of water before weighing in, but I did just go to the bathroom... I dunno. My body probably retained more of the water than it let go. That would be because I'm rather dehydrated. But still. Blargh.

I think I will go get some more water and a slice of watermelon now, so I can take my pills and such. And hopefully my cal count won't be very high today. :)

406 calories for the day. I'm doing a little better... although I still felt really guilty about eating that 150-cal Rice Krispie square. But I was at the movies, and I was going to eat a 130-cal Slimfast bar anyway, so I'll just pretend I ate the bar and a calcium chew. Yeah. That's it. :P

I do intend to try getting my calorie count lower, though. Most anorexics (I know, I'm not actually anorexic [yet]) eat between 200-400 cals a day, and thinking about that makes me feel like a glutton for allowing myself 500 every day. I mean, that's what I did at the beginning. I had a few days where I was able to eat between 200 and 300 cals... whatever happened to that? I don't know, but I think it's about time I started reclaiming that territory. So, starting tomorrow, 400 will be my max calorie limit. Preferably I'll end up between 200 and 300 per day; but that's not necessary yet. I feel like I am not progressing with the weight loss as fast as I should be, and I'm certainly not going as fast as I used to go, so I want to try and speed it up. I hope this will at least help. It had better.

Daily weigh-in: 129.2. Silly point-two pound gains. I shall defeat thee! *brandishes sword* ;)

Going to PotC with a friend tonight... gotta decide what to bring with me. Some Coke Zero and my bag of Baskin-Robbins light mint chocolate chip candies? (10 cals each, and the last B-R light candy I had tasted amazing, so I don't doubt that these will, too.) Maybe one of my Slimfast bars? I dunno. I'll figure it out, though. :)

Food list for today:

1 medium apple - 81
2 fries with 1 tsp ketchup - 23
1/3 Michelina's Three Cheese Pizza - 133
Calcium chew - 20
Soup at Hand, Blended Vegetable Medley - 100
Fat-Free Fudgsicle - 45
4 medium strawberries with 1.5 tbsp light French vanilla dip - 48
Flintstones multivitamin - 0

Total: 449

All in all, I consider it a fairly successful day... I got most of my nutrients, too :). I am posting that list in the hopes that it will motivate me to stop eating now. I had better. :@

Daily weigh-in: 129!! Sweet!!! I have passed the 130 mark... I love it! This also means I get to change my LW for my stats! :D

It feels so good to accomplish things. It's no wonder I have tried to eat more and have failed. How could I ever really want to "recover", when it means I won't keep losing weight like this? Right now, this weight loss feels like one of the best things in my life. Why would I want to give it up?

Plus there also remains the fact that I still don't really think that what I'm doing is damaging. I had so much energy yesterday it wasn't even fit. If I wasn't at least somewhat okay, why would I have had so much energy? I don't know. Maybe some doctor would have an explanation for that, but I don't really care. *shrug*

Daily weigh-in: 130.6. Only point-two pounds up... I can live with that. Anyway, I expect it to start decreasing soon. As in, when I actually get enough sleep for the night, and don't end up eating too much while watching X2 and then purging. *sigh*

I have yet to take my pills today, actually. I was really hungry earlier, but the stomach grumbling has gone away for the moment. I'm sure it will be back again, though. I have to go to my psychiatrist today at 3:20, so before that I will take my "morning" medications and eat an apple with it. Eighty-one cals is a good way to start the day, methinks -- plus the apple has water in it, and I've been getting really thirsty lately. The problem with the thirst, usually, is that it makes me crave ice pops or fruit instead of water, so I go eat instead of drinking. This is something I must curb, I know. Believe me, I'll be working on it. :)

I hope to get some antianxiety medication that actually works this afternoon... holding back my feelings is not going to work for much longer, and the precursor to me trying something stupid is always anxiety. Therefore, I figure that if I get a benzo or something, so I can calm down, I might be able to control myself better. I mean, I'm not going to say, "Hello, Dr. R, please give me a benzo!" I'll just explain the symptoms and he can give me whatever he wants -- just as long as it works. That's all I require.

Anyway, I'm gonna get my glass of water and apple, and recheck that appointment time to make sure it's right. My life is so exciting, I know. *gags*

This is probably not very good, but after my Internet disconnected last night (it does that at midnight), I wanted to express feelings somehow, and this is what came out. I don't really consider it a "poem" as such -- more like a chant-type thing. It has a strange sort of rhythm to it, but it doesn't read like real poetry to me, so I'm not sure what to call it.

PS: The title is meant as irony.


ana

there was fat on her stomach.
there was fear in her eyes.

her sweater covered her pale arms,
the veins glowing through her skin.

there was hate in her skull.
there was fear in her eyes.

her apple will last for seven hours
and her body for five more months.

there was rot on her breath.
there was fear in her eyes.

she was lifted onto a sheetless bed,
face powdered to hide the grey cheeks.

there were bones for a body.
there was fear in her eyes.

Daily weigh-in: 130.4. I guess the hospital did even more for me than I thought before... that inability to eat for two days, and the widely varied calorie count after, must have done some good after all.

My count for yesterday was really good, considering how ravenous my stomach decided to be -- somewhere around 550. I hope to get it lower today, though.

I'm wearing the new outfit I bought over the weekend right now -- black athletic-type pants with a bright blue band near the waist, and a brown "light" hoodie with a tank top underneath. The pants are a size medium, too... *dances*. The shirt is a large, but I have discovered that my boobs and stomach are still too big for a medium to look right on me. -.- . I'm sure that will change eventually, though. Just gotta keep doin what I'm doin, I guess.

Oh my gosh... you guys... I just weighed myself, and I'm only 132!!! I guess the extra pounds must have been water weight from the IVs I had in me. This is my lowest weight yet -- and it actually includes whatever food weight I still have left from today! *dances around*

Cravings. My stomach, grumbling. My cheeks tingling at the thought of that food. Restlessness. It's taking all I have not to get out of this chair and pull out one of my Slimfast bars, to eat half. I may actually do that in a bit -- I don't know. All I had to eat today, before now, was a turkey deli from Subway with a bit of light mayo on it. Less than 300 calories all totalled, which isn't bad, considering.

This weekend I did pretty horribly -- I'm not gonna lie. I kept reaching out for little tidbits of junk food that I did NOT need, and we were eating out all the time cause it was vacation, so I ate more meals in front of people than usual (meaning I have to eat normally to keep my cover). One of the meals was chicken strips and fries, too. The really galling part about that, though, was that it tasted so fucking GOOD. My intestines absolutely hated me for it afterwards... I had such bad stomach muscle cramps that I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain... but it tasted amazing. Here I was, thinking that I'd lost my taste for fried and fatty foods, but I haven't lost it at all. I just managed to subliminate it for awhile.

Well, damn you, tingly cheeks and cravings for fat! You're not getting what you want!! I already ate too much fucking food this weekend -- I do NOT need more.

On the up side, though, those new jeans that I bought maybe a month ago are already so huge that they're falling off me. And the thigh, which used to be clingy, is now really loose around. The real problem is that my thigh looks exactly the same to me. I stretch out the jeans and think, "Oh my god... my thighs were that big? Wtf?" And even then I still can't see the change in my thighs. They look exactly the same to me. Which would be too fat, and fairly gross. Similar to most of the rest of my body. But that's okay.

My cousin told me this morning that I was at the "perfect weight" -- "you're not too skinny or too big". I smiled a bit, but felt vaguely bad at the same time. What would she say if she knew I was nowhere near finished yet? My mom, too, said something the other day about how she thinks this is a good size for me. My response, in my head, went something like: "This? I've got fat hanging off me everywhere! You call THIS a good size?" But I didn't say that. I just nodded and went on.

The funny part, though, is that my mom caters to my new "healthy eating" habits, like always buying me fruit and letting me go to Subway when everyone else is going to McDonald's. She also hasn't been bugging me to eat when I express a disinterest in eating. Now, if my mom knew about the disordered eating, this last item would change quickly and dramatically; but it's not as if she could force me to eat, y'know. I am twenty years old. Not a fucking thing she can do if I decide I don't want to eat the suppers she or my father cook.

Wow... this is a long entry. I didn't expect to have so much to say. I've just been giving food/calories/weight far too much thought lately. (I say that like it hasn't been true since mid April). I can't help wondering what will happen as this continues on. One thing I can hope for, at least, is that I won't be forced into treatment... *gags*. I do NOT want that to happen.