I had forgotten the way binging feels -- the sticky warmth of it, the way I feel like a failure for having so much food in me in the first place. Not that I always used to feel like a failure for binging. Right now I don't mind purging at all, but lately I hate anything and everything to do with binges. The anticipation, the rush, the frank enjoyment of the food... they're just not there anymore. I mean, I like the way the food tastes or whatever, but I don't *relish* it the way I used to. It's really fucking odd for me not to enjoy a binge.
I don't know what else to write.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Today I weighed myself for the first time in weeks and was a little afraid of what I'd see... but the scale again read 125.4. What's more, I had food/water weight in me at the time, which means I probably lost like... a pound since last weigh-in. I think that's fairly awesome, considering I haven't been doing much towards losing any weight lately.
One of my pairs of size 30 jeans (the loosest ones) are also starting to get a teeny bit looser on me, and I'm also a little bit closer to making the 11th notch on my belt. I can actually do it UP now, at least, whereas before the belt simply would not stretch to 11.
W00t.
[but i still want more.]
One of my pairs of size 30 jeans (the loosest ones) are also starting to get a teeny bit looser on me, and I'm also a little bit closer to making the 11th notch on my belt. I can actually do it UP now, at least, whereas before the belt simply would not stretch to 11.
W00t.
[but i still want more.]
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
I'm beginning to seriously debate whether I want to stay at M House anymore. Actually, "want" isn't even the right word. It's not so much a matter of whether I want to as of whether I am actually able to. At this point, there are times when it's hard to see what end is up, let alone figure out whether I can ultimately handle dealing with my issues here.
The biggest problem is that there are issues cropping up for me now that I'm not sure I even want to talk about here, in large part because it kind of involves people here, and it's so stupid and ridiculous that I already feel like an idiot for making such a big deal about it. But I'm not even as afraid of seeming like an idiot as I am of them finding out about this shit. Cognitive distortions: because *I* can't handle it, I assume no one else is going to be able to either. Or, at least, I assume they can't handle it here. Maybe someone who's actually trained to handle this shit can handle it. Which is my way of saying I'm thinking of trying to discuss it with my psychologist, but don't want to talk to anyone else about it, aside from maybe M or A. But I feel like I can't deal with anything else until I deal with this, and since I can't talk about it at M House (according to me), it basically fucks everything up for me here until it is resolved. Which may take weeks, months, even years. I just don't fucking know.
I feel like this entry is super disorganized. Is it? I feel like even in talking about this stuff here my brain is flying around all over the place. I am irritable and edgy and getting harder and harder to live with or have a productive conversation about my "issues" with, and if I'm being honest, I can't see the end in sight to this shit. I'm tired of not being able to mute myself out with my "negative coping mechanisms", tired of my completely ridiculous mood swings lately, tired of obsessing about suicide because I lack any other way of dealing with my horribly intense feelings. I'm just tired of all of it. I want out, NOW. Only I can't get out.
I wonder how I lived through 2006, feeling like this. Because I know that this is how I felt basically all the time. I guess it's true that I did try pretty hard not to live through it. I wanted someone to shut off my brain, to take all this dysphoria and pain away from me, and no one could do it, and I simply could not control myself. Eventually, though, I discovered ED, which led to being able to mute all the intense feelings I couldn't deal with or control, but also led to a whole host of other shit. And, now, trying to recover from all the behaviors has just led straight the fuck back to THIS. All this shit I never wanted to feel or have to deal with ever again. And I still can't deal with it.
So now I'm left with wonderful options. Stay here, and try to deal with the undealable, or leave, and jump right back into disorders. Which option is better? Which option is worse? Can I find some happy medium where I self-destruct just enough to deal, until such time as I can actually confront the real issues? Is that even possible for me?
I'm so confused and fucked up. And sometimes I'm afraid I really do need to stick the adverb "hopelessly" in that sentence.
What do you do when you have no fucking idea what to do??
The biggest problem is that there are issues cropping up for me now that I'm not sure I even want to talk about here, in large part because it kind of involves people here, and it's so stupid and ridiculous that I already feel like an idiot for making such a big deal about it. But I'm not even as afraid of seeming like an idiot as I am of them finding out about this shit. Cognitive distortions: because *I* can't handle it, I assume no one else is going to be able to either. Or, at least, I assume they can't handle it here. Maybe someone who's actually trained to handle this shit can handle it. Which is my way of saying I'm thinking of trying to discuss it with my psychologist, but don't want to talk to anyone else about it, aside from maybe M or A. But I feel like I can't deal with anything else until I deal with this, and since I can't talk about it at M House (according to me), it basically fucks everything up for me here until it is resolved. Which may take weeks, months, even years. I just don't fucking know.
I feel like this entry is super disorganized. Is it? I feel like even in talking about this stuff here my brain is flying around all over the place. I am irritable and edgy and getting harder and harder to live with or have a productive conversation about my "issues" with, and if I'm being honest, I can't see the end in sight to this shit. I'm tired of not being able to mute myself out with my "negative coping mechanisms", tired of my completely ridiculous mood swings lately, tired of obsessing about suicide because I lack any other way of dealing with my horribly intense feelings. I'm just tired of all of it. I want out, NOW. Only I can't get out.
I wonder how I lived through 2006, feeling like this. Because I know that this is how I felt basically all the time. I guess it's true that I did try pretty hard not to live through it. I wanted someone to shut off my brain, to take all this dysphoria and pain away from me, and no one could do it, and I simply could not control myself. Eventually, though, I discovered ED, which led to being able to mute all the intense feelings I couldn't deal with or control, but also led to a whole host of other shit. And, now, trying to recover from all the behaviors has just led straight the fuck back to THIS. All this shit I never wanted to feel or have to deal with ever again. And I still can't deal with it.
So now I'm left with wonderful options. Stay here, and try to deal with the undealable, or leave, and jump right back into disorders. Which option is better? Which option is worse? Can I find some happy medium where I self-destruct just enough to deal, until such time as I can actually confront the real issues? Is that even possible for me?
I'm so confused and fucked up. And sometimes I'm afraid I really do need to stick the adverb "hopelessly" in that sentence.
What do you do when you have no fucking idea what to do??
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)