I admitted to hospital for a week and a half, reached a breaking point I had hoped not to have to deal with, and as a result of it felt that it was necessary to discharge rather than waste people's time/money when I had gone back into ED mode very strongly. Turns out I didn't actually gain as much weight as I'd feared... though of course if I was fully hydrated the scale would look different, but I was never fully hydrated at home ANYway. Today's weight was 81.5, which puts me at BMI 14 exactly.

I just don't even know what to do or say anymore. I feel so, so disappointed and disheartened by all of this. What is so fucking WRONG with me that I canNOT make this work even when I actually want to????

Today, after two b/ps, barely any fluid compensation, and a 20-hour sleep, I woke up and my weight was 79.4. BMI at my "new" height: 13.6. I know that at least a couple pounds of the "loss" is water weight, but still... I finally reached my goal of under-80. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

However.

This is the status I posted on my Facebook about 2 hours ago, using my mental health filter:

"I might ask my doctor to be admitted, again... I am really, seriously sick of this shit, and I finally hit my hopefully-last "weight" goal and I know it is not good, and I'm deteriorating even more (and, no, I didn't think that was actually possible). Yeah, sure, it's near Christmas, and I still don't have anybody any presents, but the truth is that I don't even care about Christmas this year because I don't care about anything... which is another sign. I just... I need to get better. I need to eat. I need to gain some weight. I need to get ready to go to residential, and have a shot at real, true ED recovery. I NEED these things, and it's time to stop kidding myself and stare it straight in the face. Yes, the gen hosp psych ward is hell, but if it's the only place I can get the help, it's the only place. I just need to be DONE WITH THIS FUCKING MONSTER IN MY HEAD."

I have also at this point sent a 4-minute phone message to my pdoc, in which I read this status aloud to her because otherwise my words would have failed me... telling her I think I want to try another admission. I asked her to call me back as SOON as she got the message, so I know she's actually in and at work (we're having a snowstorm right now, but it's not-quite 4 AM, so by 6 or 7 am the roads and conditions could be clear enough that things will be on the go). I'm not sure if she is required to work even on snow days... a lot of hospital personnel are, including doctors, but since she's the inpatient psychiatrist I'm not sure if it applies to her. She sees everyone who psychiatrically needs it that isn't admitted to the actual psych ward, and I know she's usually very busy in that capacity, but I'm not sure if this is still considered so essential that she has to come in despite what would for ordinary people be a snow day, including bus drivers, etc. It's truly hard to tell. But I'm really, REALLY hoping she IS in today, because I'd like her to personally arrange the admission so that I can get Dr. H as my inpatient psychiatrist if that's at all possible, because she knows the specifics of why I do NOT want to be admitted, EVER, under Dr. M or Dr. D (I have horrible, awful past histories with both of them). If I go in and get vitals, etc, done, and admit myself randomly, I could get any of the doctors and I won't actually have a choice. Last time Dr. C managed to get me admitted under Dr. H despite Dr. H technically not even having any beds inpatient, so my hope is that she can somehow work that magic again so I don't have to deal with a terrible psychiatrist, at the very least.

I'm rambling... but... I want this to happen, yes, and yet part of me of course does not and is terrified and all that garbage. But I know it does NEED to happen, and I have a couple of small plans I will be putting in place so I can't leave as quickly (such as getting one of my immediate family members to take my set of keys home with them). I want there to be deterrents if and/or when I decide I can't handle it again and "need" out... and lack of having a key with me is a significant deterrent. I think I will also give my debit card to my sister and ask her to take out money for the Christmas gifts I won't be able to buy my family if I'm in hospital, so that won't be playing on my mind. And not having the debit card on me will be a massive deterrent, too, because I won't be able to just pay for a cab to go to M House and get my spare key to go home.

Please don't praise me hugely for any of this... that kind of praise is scaring the fuck out of me right now, and lowers whatever bravery threshold I've managed to achieve thus far. Such comments hugely make me want to run and hide and never come out. So yeah. If you're going to praise me, at least be gentle? Or just... do the understanding thing. Understanding always works. :)

Tried to do an ED protocol admission at the mental hospital instead of gen... they wouldn't let me do it because it was my "choice" not to go to the general hospital (so they said), and they only do it in the mental hosp when you are unable to do it in gen hosp. I was actually willing to try this time -- to eat better, to accept increases, to even gain a little weight -- and they just completely shut me down. And they did this after I was assured protocol at the mental hosp WOULD happen. I spent all of last weekend in damn hosp so it could happen, and then I was told it absolutely, 100% would not.

I feel very... disheartened. Discouraged. Definitely quite down also. (What other negative adjectives can I think of that start with D?) I don't even want to see my psychiatrist at this point because it seems like EVERY time I go in lately, literally, I end up in a hospital afterwards. It's fucking ridiculous, and it's hurting far more than it's helping now, and I see no point in it. I did email her and ask her to tell me why I should come, given the circumstances. We had been having a conversation via email anyway, after I wrote her about what they did to me on Monday (said the regular ward or discharge, so when I refused the regular ward I was discharged). I'm sure she'll answer me at some point, but she's always busy, so it'll be when she gets time. She didn't answer my other email this early in the day, so it makes sense that she hasn't answered the new one.

I'm rambling. I gained a pound, apparently... not 100% sure how... but I know I was eating "too much" and continue to eat more calories than I'm at all comfortable with, because I literally feel like I'm going to go insane if I don't eat them. I've been binging and purging more than is normal for me as well. The energy pills that usually keep my appetite locked away don't work so well anymore -- I need an extra pill added to the dose now, and even then I still get hungrier than I did before. And taking 3 of these at once sometimes gives me palpitations, etc, which is just uncomfortable. (No, the other consequences don't worry me as much.) I do worry about really getting going with b/ping again. Ironically, though, the biggest worry is that I'll retain too much of the food and gain weight -- either that or get almost all of it out, only to be ravenous again in half an hour. That happens with fair frequency, especially when I first start b/ping. It fucks with hunger signals later, but when I start... ughhhhh. But I have to do SOMEthing that doesn't involve digesting a good portion of the contents of my cupboard or fridge all at one time.

I dunno what's with me anymore. The cognitive function doesn't seem to have declined much more than it already had, although I'm finding myself caring less about words and editing, so what you read here might not exactly be polished. But is it really cognitive dysfunction if the main reason is because I don't care? Or is it the lack of true energy in my brain that makes me feel like I don't care? Okay, there's definitely a high probability it's the latter. I'll admit it. But, goddamn it, I eat plenty of fucking carbs. You'd think my stupid brain would WORK. But I guess once you hit certain weights your brain and body just run out of shit and what minimum you're taking in ceases to fuel you at all.

Doesn't help that I'm tired. I need to take my night meds and go to bed. Yes, night meds, at 10 AM my time. Sleep cycle's switched around yet again. I'd try to stay up to switch it back but a) I'd probably just fuck it up again, and b) I'm too damn tired to be at that right now. So, after eating a fucking 230-cal Luna bar (this is probably why I'm not losing any fucking weight), I'm going to take the meds and head off to dreamland. At least there I don't have to deal with the insane hunger, don't have to keep myself occupied and non-suicidal, don't have to THINK. I can just sit there and rest, and my brain won't bother me with its business and need to always do something. I just wish I remembered more of my dreams -- when I remember them, I feel like I experience the peace of the sleep for longer.

PS: When they measured me on Monday (and took my weight *pukes*), I was 162.5 cm, instead of the 162 I had thought I was. This means that my height is so close to rounding up to 5'4" (it's like 5'3.97 something) that I might as well call myself 5'4". That makes a difference for the BMIs... but I'm also fascinated that I could possibly be taller. But I think the reason is that I've actually learned how to stand up straight, even though I don't do it very often, and I made sure to stand perfectly straight and upright for this height test. Maybe I was just hiding the extra half-centimeter in my slumping all this time.

81.4 lbs. BMI: 14.1.

I wish I could say I had any motivation to stop this. I wish I could say I would fully care if I died. But neither one would be true.