Apparently I stop and start this shit on a fucking dime.

106.2. Can't take anymore weight gain. Back to restriction. I just hope I have the fucking willpower this time. Of course, I will probably make myself do it whether or not I want to, or "have the willpower", so (hopefully) that part is totally irrelevant.

I CANNOT GET FUCKING FAT AGAIN. I'VE SPENT TOO MUCH TIME FAT. THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE.

Well, I got down to about 104. Then I started binging at nights. Then, on the third day (two nights of binging), I think my head... I dunno, started to clear a little?

I realized: I don't want ED. And I do I want to eat.

And those sound like powerful thoughts, and they are, in a way. I'm letting myself eat. In meals and snacks, and trying to have relatively healthy stuff if I can. On the other hand, ED is like, "Fine, okay, you can eat now, and maybe for a little while longer, but then you might have to stop again."

Fact of the matter is, I don't want to be as big as I was before. I don't want to get past 110 ever again. In fact I'd prefer to maintain somewhere around this weight, or at least, if I have to do a gain/lose cycle, to start the lose cycle before 110 or just as I hit 110, and then to lose to at least low 100s, and cycle back if necessary. If I HAVE to binge, if I HAVE to fucking cycle around, I want to plan it, and have more control over it.

So it's like I'm throwing the wants-to-eat part a bone... but not too big a bone. Not a bone too unmanageable for the ED to deal with. I feel like in order to stay at all stable I have to do this.

I have my next appointment with my psychiatrist on August 1st. I was supposed to have been seeing her every two weeks, but then I got into a phase where I wanted zero to do with "therapizing", as I call it, and then when I finally did make an appointment I missed it because I thought it was on Thursday when it was on Tuesday. I know this one is actually on a Thursday, and the date is burned into my brain, so I won't miss this one, at least. But I also know I don't have to be therapized if I don't want to, and I know how to not let her in if I don't want her there. So, I guess, I've figured out how to control that too.

I mean, I want to be honest with her. I do. But part of the honesty would be that, if I didn't want to discuss something, I would tell her "I don't want to talk about that". Or talk about the not wanting therapy anything, if I felt that way. Honesty, for me, is in the moment. And if I tell her I don't want to talk about something, she knows there's more to it, but it's also TRUE that I don't want to talk about it. You know? I don't feel like I'm lying in saying that. It's more of a lie to force the words out when I'm not okay with it. That's how it feels, anyway.

I guess what happens happens. In the meantime, I have almost a week to kill. The heat (really the humidex) is insane, and threatens to stifle me at every turn, and I'm so BORED and I can't find anything to occupy my time in such a way that I feel fulfilled. I'm slightly depressed, still, but I'm also completely restless. I want everything to CHANGE, NOW, but I haven't got the means to do that unless I do something ridiculously self-destructive, and I don't want to do that. In the end, it won't fill up the hole inside me -- it will just be another distraction.

I don't want more goddamned distractions. I want answers, and I want the truth, and I want all this stupid disorder shit OUT OF ME.


PS: *resiprog* isn't going to happen. I got through part 1 of the application process and realized that this is a VERY Protestant organization (non-denominational apparently means non-denomination Protestant), and even just listening to the two lectures I heard in one day was completely overwhelming. There's no way I could go there and listen to two lectures a day, plus daily prayer and/or Bible study, plus groups, plus meals, plus chores... yeah, you can see why that would probably make me go UTTERLY INSANE. And I am NOT going to be indoctrinated into a religion that isn't Catholicism. So sorry, but no.

Relapse. Again. This time I made it up to about 111. Currently at 107.7, which is a BMI of 18.6. This is apparently now underweight for my age and height. I just turned 27, and with each year up you enter, the higher the BMI that says underweight for you. I know that any ED clinic would look at my BMI and think I was on the cusp, not actually underweight. So whatever. I don't consider myself underweight by any means... definitely not until I get under BMI 18. So fuck it.

I just couldn't handle the feelings that came up... yet again... around that 110-112 weight. It always happens, and I am always completely unable to face it alone (which is what always happens because I have nobody I can call for crisis that I have actually worked with in the last year or two), and so I always, always turn back to ED.

On the positive side (I think/ED doesn't think), I applied for the *resiprog* program in the country, a free, Christian, residential program in *place*. I have to call them sometime today and see how to get them the records they want... the last 2 years of my history from anyone who's been a treatment provider, including hospitals, etc. I was embarrassed by how many treatment providers and facilities I've actually had in those last 2 years. I guess what I'm going to have to do is sign a release of info and fax it to them, which they will then fax to the places to get the info. I hope that's what will happen, anyway, because I really cannot go to at least 5-6 different people and hospitals, including psychiatrists who no longer provide me care, to ask for records. Too many people I'd have to speak with; too much red tape. I can't even fathom it. If they can't help me with this part, the application simply will not get done. And this is only part ONE of the process. If I get approved after this, I have to go get a full physical including STD tests (no idea why they want that, but I don't have them, so I don't care), send them a self-written medical history, etc. After THAT I think there's an hour long phone interview... so yeah. It's going to be a lengthy process, so whatever I can do to speed it up is probably a good thing.

I know a lot of you may have heard very bad things about *resiprog*, because it's true that a lot of horrible shit went on in many of the other locations, but I've been talking to a girl who went to the program in our country and she said that all these horrible things basically are not happening in *mycountry*. They still have rules that will be hard to deal with -- for one thing, there is no TV, internet, or cell phones, and the only music you can bring is Christian music -- but at least they're not going to try to do exorcisms on me, condemn me for being gay/queer, try to indoctrinate me into some sort of weird cult-like system, etc. I honestly have too much spirit and intelligence to allow that shit to happen, anyway. As a Catholic, as well, I'm sure I will be asking a LOT of questions about theology that they're not necessarily used to. Catholics can spend lifetimes just trying to interpret scripture, whereas Protestants, fundamentalists, etc just take the Bible literally and don't do interpretation. I'm not sure what kind of Bible studies I'm going to run into there, but I know what Catholicism stands for in these matters and they will not be turning me into a non-Catholic. This is just what I AM, and they'll have to accept that. Questioning is in my nature, anyway, which is one reason I am Catholic rather than another denomination. I'm the weird kind of Catholic, meaning that I'm a liberal Catholic (I am still pro gay rights, pro choice, etc), but I'm also still Catholic and I come from a Catholic perspective where the Bible is concerned. So I'm sure that will play a part, as not everyone there will be Catholic and I have no idea what sort of denominations the program people might come from. I just have to be careful where Bible studies lead me.

Anyway, that's loads for this update... sorry if I bored you all with this stuff about Catholicism (I realize a lot of you believe in other stuff or are not spiritual). It's all new to me, to be honest. I only realized that I believed in God in later June, and shortly thereafter realized I was a Christian. It wasn't so long ago that I realized that the only church that seemed to suit me was the Catholic church. And, again, I am a liberal Catholic/Christian... I have some fairly radical beliefs, such as that anyone who believes in any kind of god or goddess is my sibling in God, and that I respect your religion no matter what it is. I will certainly never try to convince anybody out of their own religions. It is actually Papal doctrine that Catholics are not to force anybody into becoming a Catholic; but it's more than that for me. I would never force anything on anyone, period. I believe in freedom of choice, no matter what the choice, as long as you're not hurting others or taking away their rights with your choices. Hence why I am Catholic, pro gay rights, pro choice, and accepting of other religions. It doesn't hurt ME if others do what makes them happy.

Okay. I think I've rambled enough. Try to get some more coffee down, and take my last morning pill...