Was 116.8 yesterday, which makes for a total of 0.6 lbs lost in 6 days. I guess it could be worse... I could have gained, or even maintained. But it's still not all that great. I should be losing more. Maybe I will, if I can actually stick to my diet.

One major wrench in my plans is going to be work. Some days I take my food, and that's fine; I know how many cals is in it, I'm comfortable with eating it, etc. I can make it look pretty normal (sandwich, a side, and some diet soda). Nobody at work would have any idea that I've eaten like 600 cals that day. However, when I don't bring supper, and I get a veggie burger or whatnot, I always seem to have a side with it, and if we don't have salad (like we didn't one day, and I thought we didn't yesterday) it gets dicey, because then I want fries, which are like 260 cals just for a small, not including the ketchup. And since the burger itself is like 400-450 cals... well, it's just too much for one meal. Yet I HAVE to have the side. It's stupid, I know, but mentally I can't get around it at this point. So I'm going to have to bring my lunch more often, or go somewhere else on days I don't bring anything, like maybe to Tims. The low-fat blueberry muffin is only 290, so that and a coffee or diet soda would be okay for break. Hopefully we won't be out of salads on certain days, so it won't be a problem to just get the salad for my side instead (comes to about 100 cals including dressing).

That way what happened yesterday won't happen again. Yesterday I ended up having the fries with the burger, then thinking about how many cals I'd eaten in total that day, which was DEFINITELY too much, and then I ended up purging in the employee washrooms. Luckily there are only two stalls, and generally it's pretty private, or people leave quickly... but still. I would really rather not be purging at work. Especially since the bathrooms are so disgusting there.

This is the sort of planning that always goes into restriction for me. I think about and weigh all possible food options for every meal and/or "snack". I plan things like "Okay, only coffee for 'breakfast', normal-looking break (but it should only be 300-400 calories max if you can help it, and no onion rings, no larger fries, no ice cream, no anything higher cal as a side), then don't eat when you get home, or if you do make it a b/p so you don't absorb much, if anything". I dunno. It seems normal to me when in restriction mode, but I know it's not "normal". Not like I care either way. I kind of hate that I have to do it (or at least I really hated it at first; I'm getting used to it now), but I have to do it, so I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. You know?

Dum dum dum.

Still at 117.2. Of course. I didn't really expect to lose any weight on my intake lately, and I didn't. At least I didn't gain, I guess. Stupid antibiotics. Oh well... today is the last day for them, and only because I missed one yesterday. I'll take that now, since I've just had some cereal, and then the rest of the day is UP TO ME. Finally.

I want:
110 lbs or less
800 cals a day, max (I still have to work, etc)
B/ping if necessary to ward off extra eating

Wb, ED. It's a good thing I didn't actually think you'd gone away for real, otherwise I might be disappointed right now.

Or maybe recovery is not possible. Or, rather, it is only possible when I maintain within xxx and xxx lbs, and if I go too close to xxx lbs I HAVE to restrict and lose the weight again, especially if I've gotten there through comfort eating / general gluttony instead of gaining weight in a healthy way. Since I can't seem to stick to healthy weight loss -- not that I'm sure this would even be applicable in my case, because even now my weight is still within the low end of normal -- I have to do it the disordered way.

I just can't let this shit go. Mostly because of what happens when I do let it go. I comfort eat -- I gain weight -- I freak out -- and then restrictive ED gets triggered all over again. And I simply don't see a way of ending this cycle in a healthy way without going back to some sort of treatment, which I have absolutely NO intentions of doing (and no time for anyway). So... ED is how it's going to have to be.

It's not really okay, yet at the same time it is. It's okay because I finally came to an acceptance, a couple of months ago, that someday this might kill me. And I do mean acceptance -- all the rebellion, anger, despair, desperately running around trying to fix it, all that has gone away and been replaced with calm. One might even call it peace. I've done basically everything I can think of to try and fix this, short of ripping open my soul and once again falling into an immense psychological/psychiatric breakdown, and it just hasn't worked. The long and short of it is that I NEED the ED to function even semi-normally, and if I don't have it, I really will fall headlong into yet another horrific breakdown, because that seems to be how my mental fucked-up-ness plays out. And I just can't deal with the breakdowns anymore. If I have to die of one or the other someday, let it be ED, please. Because, on the whole, the suffering with ED is honestly much, much less. I would rather deal with bulimia and restriction than live with constant suicidality and soul agony.

I just wanted to say that I am NOT relapsing anymore; in fact, I am doing quite well. I'm too tired to write in any detail right now, but I didn't want to let those posts below stand alone without any correction.

Recovery IS possible.