You know you have an ED when...

- You eat 3/4ths of a cup of cheerios and half a cup of 0.5% milk and call it your breakfast.
- About fifteen minutes later your parents come home with a whole chicken and taters, and you don't want to eat any of it, but your parents are there and would think you're odd if you didn't. So you eat five relatively small taters and most of a slice of chicken breast.
- Upon finishing the meal, all you can think about is how much you want to purge up that disgusting chicken and those calorie-filled potatoes. So, five minutes later, you have turned on your music in your bedroom, locked the bathroom door, started the water, and begun to purge. It comes up surprisingly fast. You know you got all the chicken and taters when you start tasting cheerios again -- plus there was a lot of stuff in that toilet.
- All of this makes you feel awesome for sticking to your goals and having willpower. So what if you purged up a few Cheerios, too? Really, the less food the better!

Yeah, I know... I'm fucked up. Can't remember the last time I wasn't fucked up. *sigh*

Daily weigh-in: 141.2. Yep... another fucking plateau. *sigh*. I'm going to try to restrict the calories like crazy, drink more water, and exercise more than I have been (have barely been getting ANY). Also, I have to make SURE I cut way back on the fat. No more hot dogs and fries for me! (I did actually eat that yesterday. To be sure, it was half a hot dog and 10 fries... but it still counts.)

Daily weigh-in: 141.4. I can see that this is going to be another plateau weight... the 141 point somethings... gah.

Daily weigh-in: 142. I'm gaining! Argh!!! :|. However, this will all change. I ate somewhere between 800 and 900 calories yesterday... absolutely disgusting. Today, however, I am determined to eat as few calories as possible. Somewhere between 200 and 350 would be preferable.

*huge breath* I can do this. I can do this.

Daily weigh-in: 141.4. I guess gaining 0.2 pounds isn't really that bad... it's probably water or poop weight. Lol. I think I might up my calorie count a bit today, cause my mom's been getting suspicious.

"You're not starving yourself, are you?"
"No!" ("what are you, stupid?" affect)
"Cause skinny is not the goal here. Healthy is the goal. Skinny is stupid."
"Yes, I know." (exasperated affect)
(later) "Have you eaten yet today?"
"No... I just got up." (This is actually true, by the way.)
"But it's 4:00! You're so lazy!" Then she finally leaves the house.

I mean, yeeesh. Just because I came upstairs wearing some old clothes that finally fit again, to show them off a little. She's been asking me those sorts of questions ever since I dropped enough weight for the difference to be noticeable. I wish she'd just leave me the fuck alone. Not like I'd stop doing it just because she knew about it, anyway. I'm an adult -- she can't control me. And I'm not underweight, so she can't send me to a hospital. Therefore, there's not a damned thing she can do right now. So hahaha on you, mother.

306 calories for the day. So why don't I feel good about it?

Oh, that's right, because I've got this stupid urge to overdose or cut AGAIN.

*mutters*

Daily weigh-in: 141.2. A pound gone in a day... that's the sort of stuff I like to see. Keep it comin!! :D.

Daily weigh-in: 142.2.

And now I must go get a shower and hop on the bus to the movie theater... I'm seeing X3 with a bunch of friends this afternoon. Should be fun! :)

Daily weigh-in: 142.6. Yaaaay! I'm officially in the "healthy" BMI category now. However, I've still got loooots of fat to lose. There's no way I'm gonna maintain a weight this high. Can't wait till I reach my STG of 135... it's gonna be sweet. :)

I only ate 239 calories yesterday, and was hardly even hungry... weird, ne? But I kinda like it. I was considering forcibly feeding myself to up my calorie count, but then thought, "Well, if I'm not even hungry, why am I going to force myself to eat?" So I didn't. Go, willpower. :P

Daily weigh-in: 143.6. Sweeeeet. And as long as I keep 'er restrictin, I keep 'er droppin! :P

That also makes my BMI 25.1. I'm almost at a normal BMI!!!! I can't remember the last time I was this small -- I can see the changes on just about every part of my body. It's exciting to finally be close to at least a normal weight. :D

To make a long story short, the reason why I haven't been updating is because I ended up in a psychiatric unit for a week and two days. The reason had to do with my anxiety, depression, and probably a dash of borderline -- not my ED at all. In fact, they seemingly paid no attention to the fact that I didn't eat most of the meals. Oh well. I weighed myself when I came back this afternoon, after having had a sandwich for lunch and water earlier in the day, and I was still 145 pounds, so I'm okay on the ED front. I can start my restriction in earnest again, now that I am able to precisely calculate my calories. :)

Daily weigh-in: 145.4. Point-six pounds gone, even after last night (which wasn't as bad as it could have been). Not too shabby.

And now I have to go to brunch. *gags*

Day 31

Daily weigh-in: 146. Two pounds in a day??? All I'm afraid of is that, with these next two days (fasting, but eating one fairly high-calorie meal in the day), I'm gonna gain all that back and then some. I had BETTER not gain much, that's all. :@

I can see the difference in my weight pretty much everywhere on my body now. Boobs, stomach, love handles, back, thighs, face... AND I'm even starting to see a hint of collarbone now! :D:D. Proportionately, my stomach is still stuck out further than my boobs, but my general waistline has shrunk; also, my butt has NOT shrunk (undies still fit the same, too), so I look more proportional. I always wanted a bigger butt, and now I've sorta got it. My butt was so tiny under my heavy midsection that it practically looked like it didn't exist -- pancake-like. Now it's starting to finally announce that it is there.

I am pleased, and will continue to be just as long as going out to eat twice in two days doesn't fuck this all up. I just hope the fasting for the rest of the day each time will help...

Day 30

Daily weigh-in: 148. Sweet. Only five more pounds to a BMI of 25...

Also, just for your information, I ODed on one of my psych meds last night and ended up in the hospital for 10 hours. The main treatment was a saline IV (basically water with a small bit of salt), so it kept me running to the bathroom allll the time. My heart rate was up a lot, I had tremors, and my mouth would randomly spasm when I talked; there were a couple of other side effects, but I can't remember them at the moment. Anyway, I got to the hospital at maybe 1:30 AM, and the IV was taken out of my hand sometime later that morning (at least 7 or 8 AM), so I didn't end up having to stay very long.

Day 29

Daily weigh-in: 149.6. Well, at least it hasn't gone up...

I'm a bit scared about the weekend. On Saturday night my sister will be home from BC, so we're going out to some place for food and then to a club to watch one of her favorite musicians perform. The club thing is fine -- Diet Coke, anyone? -- but the restaurant's going to be tricky. I'm 100% positive I'm going to end up eating far more calories than is good for me, because I don't know what place we're going to and it probably won't have nutrition info online anyway. Then on Sunday, sometime in the morning or early afternoon, a bunch of us are going to another nameless place for Mother's Day brunch. *smashes head on desk*

All I can think of to do is fast all day Saturday until I go out, and fast all the rest of the day Sunday, and maybe part of Monday too. Oh, and exercise a bit, I suppose, to burn off more cals. But... arrrrgh. Nothing like weekend plans to ruin a good period of restriction. -.-

Day 28

Daily weigh-in: 149.6! Finally!! I was so happy when I got off that scale this morning. The high I get from seeing the numbers drop is awesome. And one can hope that the numbers will only continue dropping, just as long as I stick to my restriction plans. :)

Day 27

Daily weigh-in: 151.6. And here I was thinking that the good job I did yesterday would make me lose something. No matter. I'll just keep restricting. It's bound to go down when my body needs to eat 1000 calories from my own body every day just to feed its basal functions.

Today's calorie total, unlike it's been pretty much all the last week, was under 500... WICKED! Well, I mean, it was 496, but still. Only three times eating during the day, and I only had a grilled chicken pita at Extreme Pita, an apple, and a bowl of soup. I am getting back to where I want to be, food-wise, and it's amazing. I love it.

It's weird how the mere act of drinking cold water relieves my headache, and then as soon as I stop it comes back. I'm not entirely sure why I have a headache... I'm thinking either stress or dust, or maybe some combination of both (ugh). I was sorting through a crapload of pictures today, as my friend and I decided to make scrapbooks of photos, etc, for our mothers for Mother's Day. I really liked the idea: I think that, after these last several months of torture because of me on my mom's part, she deserves something really nice and meaningful for that day. Not just another book like I always get her. And my friend's idea was just what I needed. I just hope she doesn't get pissed off that I used some of her photos!! :/ (But, I mean, it's not like they didn't just sit around in a box anyway. At least this is a present that will allow her to look at them sometimes.)

So, uhh... yeah. Should probably take the BuSpar I missed several hours ago, along with an ibuprofen, and soon after that my sleeping pill. It'll be beddy-bye for me soon... gotta get up at 10 AM for my interview for a therapeutic program at one of the local hospitals. Gotta have my sleep for something like that. :)

Day 26

Daily weigh-in: 151! No point-something! That's kinda sweet, considering my disastrous encounter with Boston Pizza yesterday. I hope that today will be a better day -- restricting more and moving only a little. It's funny that my entire week of plateau weight was the week I was going to Curves -- and probably not coincidental either. I felt like I had to eat more on those days because I was going to be terribly weak from such an intense (for me) workout, so then I'd eat more on the other days too.

This week my mom is gone, so I can't go to Curves, and I doubt Dad will be cooking as much for suppers, either. So this is the perfect week for uber restriction, and I plan to take full advantage of that. ^_^

Cravings

I hate how when I get hungry it's hard to think of anything other than food. I'm going cracked having craving after craving and not being able to satisfy any of them. After my disgusting 900-calorie lunch at Boston Pizza for my mother's birthday, I decided that I wasn't allowed to eat for the rest of the day... but it's been WAY WAY hard. I did have a piece of gum, and a calcium chew, but that's only 22.5 calories. I may have to have another piece of gum later. For now, though... the fucking cravings are REALLY REALLY getting on my nerves. I've never had them this bad before. Argh...

Day 25

Daily weigh-in: 151.2 *tears out hair*. I'd rant a bit, but I have to go RIGHT now, so maybe I'll make another entry later.

Day 24

Daily weigh-in: Well, at first my scale said 151, so I was like... okay. But then I accidentally tipped it a bit, and when I got back on it started telling me 151.8! Then, just for an experiment, I picked it up, turned it over, and put it back down again. It then read me as 151.6. O.o. Just to be on the safe side, I'm gonna go with the 151.6, but... ughhhh. Stupid crappy scale. I really need a better one, but I haven't got the money for a better one. :(

At any rate, I think my body's finally catching on that I'm not feeding it properly, because I've been stuck at the 151 point somethings for several days now. I'm not exactly sure what to do, other than restrict my cals more and make sure I drink lots of water -- and give up the freakin' Diet Pepsi!

I need to stop being overweight, goddamnit. I've only got about eight more pounds to go before my BMI is 25... so why can't I lose the fucking eight pounds?? Ergh. :|

Day 23

Daily weigh-in: 151.2. Back to my lowest weight of this "diet". I guess that's not SO bad. Not as bad as it could be, at least. I could be gaining. :/

I have decided something. I am going to eat at around 1, at 5 or so (when my family has supper), and at around 8:30 or 9. I will get three "meals" (at most a few hundred calories each) and I won't be reaching for the junk food late at night because I want to devour anything and everything. I hope to be in much more control of my nutrition, at least, by doing this. Today's "breakfast" is 3/4 cup of Cheerios and 1/2 cup of milk. There's around 200 or so cals in that. That's okay, though, because tonight I work out, so I'm gonna need a BIT more cals. [Edit: I just went to Fitday.com and calculated it, and there's only 160 cals! Even better! :D]

Also, it is fucking freezing here today, and I had really bizarre dreams and woke up foggy-brained, so today is not really the best of days... but that's all right. I'm not depressed, so, again, it's better than it could have been.

So I forgot that I'm going to Curves tomorrow and Saturday, not today. That's okay, though, because I've only eaten 385 cals so far today. I still have room left for some sort of snack tonight. :)

Okay... so... Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi, when I drink them in relatively large quantities, give me the shits, and a lot of gas. I mean, I'd heard that aspartame was a toxic product, but geeze. Anyway... I will be drinking as few soft drinks as I can from now on, because it's obvious that my body hates them. Regular ones will make me crave sugar and gain weight; my body can't handle aspartame; there are no other options. Suckness. :/

I've only had about 32.5 calories today (three candies and a piece of gum), and by the time I got done with my therapy and putting in my drop/add form, walking through both hot sun and humid buildings, I was dehydrated and exhausted. Before I even got in my car to go home I bought a bottle of water, and downed about half of it on the trip. When I actually got home I poured myself a nice glass of cold water, and I took a multivitamin and sat down here to try and get some energy back until supper. The poor cat's been bawling and bawling to go outside, but until now I didn't have the energy required to take him out on his leash (yes, he goes out on a leash). I may take him now, though. His meows are so pitiful -- and really really annoying. :/

Anyway... I will at least update tomorrow morning, if not before, so I'll talk to you all soon.

Day 22

Daily weigh-in: 151.8... I think. My scale's being a bitch this morning, so I'm not sure whether I really trust it or not, but I have to have SOME daily weight to put in. And if you force me to choose between this weight or 152, I'm gonna stick with 151.8, thank you very much. :P

Restriction until suppertime. Supper will be pretty healthy tonight, and I'm working out after supper, so I'll eat supper. Curves workout. An attempt to control the cravings I will get after Curves. Last night I found sucking on my new Baskin-Robbins low-cal candy very very helpful in curbing my cravings, so I'll probably try it again (10 cals a candy).

I also have a therapy appointment today, in which I may or may not get into some heavy stuff.

Wish me luck.

Day 21

Daily weigh-in: 151.2. Awesome... I'm still losing. :D. As long as I continue to lose, even if it's not that much, I am a-ok. The cookies and stuff didn't do too much harm, I guess... although it could creep back up on me later if I'm not careful at least today, and tomorrow before I exercise again. (Mom and I are going to Curves on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.)

Now it's time for me to take my pills, get dressed, and grab an apple... and I only have about 25 minutes to do it all. Wish me luck!! Hehe. ;)

I went on what I would call a "binge" tonight. A small glass of chocolate milk, four chocolate chip cookies (300 cals in them alone), and all the Rice Thins that were left (I'd say about 15 or so). And you know what the sad thing is? I didn't give a fuck. I felt sad and tired and I had just worked out an insane amount, for me, and I just wanted comfort and energy food. Bad energy food, I know, but still... Curves totally wiped me out, and I needed to eat something. The fact that one good exercise routine completely totalled me is almost more pathetic than my need for comfort food.

I hope I'm ashamed of myself when I read this tomorrow.

So I bought some laxatives to help with my bowels, and I chose very carefully among the options to make sure I got one that's gentle. I got home and tore off the wrapping, only to find out that the ones I got are actually STIMULANTS. Like Ex-Lax. Fuck fuck fuck. I really didn't want to use a stimulant... but I have to now. Ugh.

However, I did get my measuring cup, my tsp and tbsp measurers, a 60-pack of Excel Polar Ice gum, and Baskin Robbins low-cal hard candy (10 cals per piece). Oh, and I bought one Soup At Hand -- 70 cals, and really nice and warm and fairly filling. It's not all bad. But I have to find a reeeeally good hiding place for my measuring materials...

Day 20

Daily weigh-in: 152. Still. I always say... well, at least I didn't gain. But I didn't lose anything, either. Poopie. -.-

I'm going out to a shopping center today (not mall, cause it's just a bunch of stores in the same place), so I'm going to try and get some sugarfree candies and chocolates, some food-measuring tools (measuring cup and tbsp and tsp), and something to make my goddamned bowels move, because they won't, and it's driving me nuts. I'm not really sure whether Metamucil or Colace would be the better choice. I'll have to think about that when I get there. There is a reason I have to go there -- to get a refill of my sleeping pills -- so I might as well get other shopping done in the process, right? Yeah. You know that's right. :P

One last thing before I go... sooner or later I think I'll get around to making a thinspiration website. I really like the idea. Not sure if I'll post anything other than thinspo -- have to think about that one -- but I may. If I ever do it I'll give you guys the link. :)

Today's cals: 530, which isn't bad at all. I had a choice at the end of the night between something like an apple, a piece of bread with 1 tbsp of peanut butter (painstakingly measured of course), or a little bit of cereal and milk. I chose the third option -- 3/4ths of a cup of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and 1/2 a cup of 0.5% milk. The whole thing was only 180 cals, and it satisfied a craving, both for flavor and for milk. I don't think the piece of bread and peanut butter would have had the same effect.

I am trying to make sure I get some protein every day without going over my cal limit. I dunno if anyone has any recommendations other than beans (which I hate), but I sure could use some. Peanut butter has protein, but it's also 90 cals for that tablespoon :/. I need ideaaaaaas. :P

Okay... so Curves has been put off AGAIN. My mom and I have an appointment tomorrow to go, because apparently we have to fill out applications and stuff. Weeeeird. Anyway, I'm totally going to keep the ED stuff a complete secret, even if they ask about it in the app, so that's fine. I'm just interested to see what kinds of questions they ask.

Day 19

Daily weigh-in: 152! Yesss! I ate about 500 cals yesterday, but I'm still losing weight... fucking awesome. Now I just gotta keep up with the restricting, and try to move for awhile each day, and I will hopefully continue to see results. :)

Mom and I didn't get to Curves last night, so we are going tonight instead. We get two weeks free -- but she'll be gone for one week of it, so I can possibly go more often than we go the first week. We'll see what happens with that.

It's a beautiful sunny day, I lost 1.4 pounds, and I got lots of sleep last night. I'm in a good mood! :)