Okay. I just wanted to let you all know that I've created a Blogspot diary to update during my stay at Homewood. This is the ONLY updating forum I am going to be using, so if you want to read about how I'm doing when I'm up there, etc, this is the place where you will want to go. I cannot promise when updates will be, because I can't predict how much online time I will have or how often I'll want to use that online time to write blogs, but if and when I post, my Blogspot will be the ONLY place that will receive the updates.
So here is the URL. Feel free to leave me as many comments as you want, either anonymously or under your LiveJournal or real name. It would be nice if you told me (here if not there) what name you're going to comment under on the Blogspot, so I'll know who's who when I read the messages. :)
http://truth-of-the-heart.blogspot.com/
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Put on your headphones for this one
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Monday, February 19, 2007
The stress of the upcoming admission is really starting to make a whooole bunch of cracks in my armor now. I can't quite manage to suppress all my anxiety and moodiness. Too much of it seeps out. I dislike it. I think it is why I am suddenly feeling fat and want to lose weight again -- because I've been feeling way more out of control these last few(several?) days. I had been trying my very best to stick to restriction, but I've already b/ped twice today and am seriously considering doing it a third... another sign of my stress. God fucking dammit. Why is it that when it comes down to it I end up a b/per rather than a restrictor? That drives me absolutely mental.
On another note, I have had WAY too much coffee today -- at least four cups; possibly five (I am not sure if I counted them right). No wonder I've been up for 24 hours and counting. Of course, I'd also planned to be up for at least 24 hours, but that's okay. See, my sleep cycle is fucked, so I wanted to regulate it by... staying up later tonight. Hahaha. Trazodone will be my friend tonight. My sweet, sweet, near-and-dear friend.
On another note, I have had WAY too much coffee today -- at least four cups; possibly five (I am not sure if I counted them right). No wonder I've been up for 24 hours and counting. Of course, I'd also planned to be up for at least 24 hours, but that's okay. See, my sleep cycle is fucked, so I wanted to regulate it by... staying up later tonight. Hahaha. Trazodone will be my friend tonight. My sweet, sweet, near-and-dear friend.
FAT
I fucking hate myself right now. I am such a fat fat fat fat FAT motherfucking FATASS. Why can't I just lose some fucking WEIGHT and not be so fucking FAT!?!?!?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh
Headlines on MSN.com
Headlines on MSN.com:
Do we really need Black History Month?
YES, we really need Black History Month!! Jesus fucking christ. Next thing you know we won't really need Thanksgiving or the Fourth of July. PUH-LEEZE. Get a fucking GRIP.
"But MSN poll show Americans divided on issue!!"
Yeah, and polls also show that Americans are fat, racist, and lazy. The fact that some non-scientific online poll shows that Americans are "divided" on the issue means NOTHING.
Fucking IDIOTS!
How to keep your kids safe on MySpace
Simple. You help them understand, when they see the bad things, why said things are bad, and why they should be decent people instead of falling for society's shit. But I'd be willing to bet that this article has completely unhelpful advice like "Put filters on your computer" or "Put your computer somewhere that you can watch what they do online 24/7", neither of which ACTUALLY help kids be safe on MySpace (since they can leave your house and get on MySpace somewhere else).
Lying to doctor can be risky
Well, NO SHIT! Lying to your doctor can mean that you won't get the right diagnosis and you may, therefore, get the wrong treatment, which could possibly severely hurt or even kill you.
But that should be common sense. Oh, wait... people these days clearly don't HAVE any fucking common sense, or they wouldn't even need an article like this. Never mind.
Britney's hair to be sold on Ebay?
It's sad that this is even a highlight on MSN.com's front page. It's even sadder that we've come to such dire straits as a society that anyone would need or want to even CONCEIVE of selling Britney's hair on Ebay.
Do we really need Black History Month?
YES, we really need Black History Month!! Jesus fucking christ. Next thing you know we won't really need Thanksgiving or the Fourth of July. PUH-LEEZE. Get a fucking GRIP.
"But MSN poll show Americans divided on issue!!"
Yeah, and polls also show that Americans are fat, racist, and lazy. The fact that some non-scientific online poll shows that Americans are "divided" on the issue means NOTHING.
Fucking IDIOTS!
How to keep your kids safe on MySpace
Simple. You help them understand, when they see the bad things, why said things are bad, and why they should be decent people instead of falling for society's shit. But I'd be willing to bet that this article has completely unhelpful advice like "Put filters on your computer" or "Put your computer somewhere that you can watch what they do online 24/7", neither of which ACTUALLY help kids be safe on MySpace (since they can leave your house and get on MySpace somewhere else).
Lying to doctor can be risky
Well, NO SHIT! Lying to your doctor can mean that you won't get the right diagnosis and you may, therefore, get the wrong treatment, which could possibly severely hurt or even kill you.
But that should be common sense. Oh, wait... people these days clearly don't HAVE any fucking common sense, or they wouldn't even need an article like this. Never mind.
Britney's hair to be sold on Ebay?
It's sad that this is even a highlight on MSN.com's front page. It's even sadder that we've come to such dire straits as a society that anyone would need or want to even CONCEIVE of selling Britney's hair on Ebay.
Thoughts and Musings
Been doing a fucking SHITLOAD of thinking lately. Have come to some realizations, but am not sure how far they've actually sunk in, emotion-wise. But true recovery takes time. I know that -- I know that -- and yet that doesn't make it any fucking easier. But it's not supposed to make it any easier, because the work still has to be done, regardless of my level of intellectual awareness about the work. See how I twist myself in circles. This is why I need help to get better. At least, this is why I THINK I need help to get better. But I guess that's better than the denial state I frequently find myself in -- or twist myself in.
THIS IS REALLY, REALLY LONG. YOU HAVE BEEN DULY WARNED.
Thoughts and musings.
- I prefer equilibrium -- a.k.a. the feeling, illusional or not (depending on the situation), that "everything is fine" or "everything's okay". [Remember this definition of the word "equilibrium", if you decide to read further, because I talk about it a LOT throughout these musings.]
- If I do not feel like "everything's okay", I freak out and get highly symptomatic.
- I do this because symptoms make me have the illusion that there is equilibrium.
- The truth is, though, that symptoms drive me further OUT OF true equilibrium.
- There are two types of equilibrium -- what I call "fake" equilibrium, and then "true" equilibrium.
- Fake equilibrium is when I do an unnatural behavior that makes me have the sensation that I am "okay" again. (Unnatural being defined, in this instance [and by me], as something that most human beings would consider disturbing, frightening, or horrific to experience if it was being done to them without their consent. In short, unnatural in this sense means the same thing as pathological.)
- True equilibrium is when I am able to feel "okay" without having to resort to pathological behaviors.
- True equilibrium, by its very nature, is MUCH harder to accomplish than fake equilibrium.
- Fake equilibrium is easier to achieve because I am very easily able to fool myself into thinking that my pathological behaviors are, in fact, not pathological.
- This is because, to my disordered mind, pathological behaviors actually seem very logical, well-thought-out, and intuitively sound.
- They feel like that BECAUSE I am disordered, and not because I am somehow inherently flawed.
- I personally have to accept that before I can move on in trying to have a better quality of life.
- This is not, however, the only thing I have to work on. It is only one piece of the puzzle.
- One of my ultimate goals, in recovery, is true equilibrium.
- It is natural, and human, to want true equilibrium, and to feel deprived and "crazy" when the desire for true equilibrium is invalidated.
- Invalidation is when someone tells me, through words, actions, or ANY type of nuances (including intuition), that what I want is not acceptable, not good enough, or otherwise "stupid" or "wrong".
- When someone tells me that my natural needs are stupid, wrong, or otherwise unacceptable, it is THEM who has a problem of their own.
- Natural needs are NOT stupid, wrong, or otherwise unacceptable.
- Concept: When engaging in trying to TRULY recover, I must determine what needs are natural and what needs are unnatural, and satisfy the natural needs while AT THE SAME TIME denying the unnatural urges. (Natural, here, means the same thing as inherent or instinctual.)
- THAT, I firmly believe, is one of the absolute most difficult things about recovery.
- Most people don't have someone to lean on that is well-educated about this concept AND all of this concept's complexities and implications. I believe that this is why most people have an extraordinarily difficult time in achieving true recovery.
- It SHOULD be easier, but it is NOT, for most people, easier.
- So here is how I try to help myself. I hope at least one or two of you will read it and take from it what you are able to take from it at this moment.
- I begin at the premise that human beings are born with a certain level of instinct that must be satisfied, or else the biological organism feels deprived, causing the mind, the psychological "higher self", to also feel deprived.
- Although biological instinct is obviously part of the equation here, the kind of instinct that I am referring to is more of an emotional instinct -- a "deeper" sort of instinct than biology cannot easily fully account for.
- This premise takes a certain level of trust in oneself -- a level of trust which is not at all easy to obtain. I feel thankful that I am even aware of this premise, let alone able to work with it. I have myself been aided, by another person, in my awareness of the premise.
- But I firmly believe that it is possible for ALL people to attain a good and real level of trust in their own, individualized, instinctive, biological and emotional needs.
- I also believe that the method by which people attain this trust CANNOT be fully explained by one, or more than one, artificial formula, dogma, or other set of carefully constructed principles (i.e. a specific psychological theory, such as CBT, psychodynamic theory, or DBT).
- This is because such a formula or constructed principle is by its very nature ARTIFICIAL, and NOT natural.
- And natural things are too complex to be explained by ONE theory, or one SET of theories, alone.
- Each person who enters a therapeutic relationship is likely to lean, in a very general sense, towards one theory or another in terms of what will help him or her recover from a psychological disorder.
- So artificial constructs, for a person who is disordered, can eventually help to lead him or her to connect once again with his or her internal, natural values or desires.
- But because all people are different from one another, each person's path to true recovery will be different, too. And that is NORMAL.
- So here's what I think.
- A PSYCHOLOGICAL THEORY SHOULD BE A STRATEGY, NOT A CURE.
- It is a starting point, not a full treatment in and of itself.
- I firmly believe that therapists should take instinctual cues from patients in terms of what works for them and what doesn't.
- If a psychologist has good instincts (which, due to bad personal experiences, I really think should be a requirement of the job!!), and has been trained to follow those instincts instead of rigidly applying an artificial construct, therapy feels better for both therapist and client, and therapy will help the client much more than if "fake" controls were held onto.
- If psychologically disordered people actually listened to what their own internal values were telling them, they would do what was best for them, and would be happier.
- If they did what was best for them, they would not feel the need to be as concerned with the way things SEEM instead of the way things actually ARE, or to act on their unpleasant feelings in pathological ways.
- Critical people who dub listening to internal values "selfish" are the people who place too much importance on outer values, and who, at their psychological core, are afraid of what would happen if these external value systems were removed, because this would disturb the fake equilibrium they have set up for THEMselves.
- Accordingly, critical people are not bad or "unfortunately mistaken" people. They are simply not currently ABLE to see another way... to listen to their own true feelings about things, instead of expecting the standards of one large (or small) group to rigidly apply to everyone.
- I submit to you that the only thing that is constant in life is that things are always, always changing.
- Therefore, humans need to be flexible and adaptive, not rigid and controlling.
- Rigidity and control, when forced upon a human being, ultimately lead to greater disharmony between the self and external circumstances, which can then lead to deep-seated insecurities about oneself and one's place in the world.
- It makes me wonder what society's psychological disorder is. Because it obviously has one, since in recent times it seeks to be rigid and controlling instead of flexible and adaptive.
- Why? Why? WHY?
But I prefer to question everything. Even everything I've written here.
But I guess that means I prefer to be flexible and adaptive... when I am psychologically able to be.
A theory becomes actual truth only when it is proved.
Right?
Right???
:P
THIS IS REALLY, REALLY LONG. YOU HAVE BEEN DULY WARNED.
Thoughts and musings.
- I prefer equilibrium -- a.k.a. the feeling, illusional or not (depending on the situation), that "everything is fine" or "everything's okay". [Remember this definition of the word "equilibrium", if you decide to read further, because I talk about it a LOT throughout these musings.]
- If I do not feel like "everything's okay", I freak out and get highly symptomatic.
- I do this because symptoms make me have the illusion that there is equilibrium.
- The truth is, though, that symptoms drive me further OUT OF true equilibrium.
- There are two types of equilibrium -- what I call "fake" equilibrium, and then "true" equilibrium.
- Fake equilibrium is when I do an unnatural behavior that makes me have the sensation that I am "okay" again. (Unnatural being defined, in this instance [and by me], as something that most human beings would consider disturbing, frightening, or horrific to experience if it was being done to them without their consent. In short, unnatural in this sense means the same thing as pathological.)
- True equilibrium is when I am able to feel "okay" without having to resort to pathological behaviors.
- True equilibrium, by its very nature, is MUCH harder to accomplish than fake equilibrium.
- Fake equilibrium is easier to achieve because I am very easily able to fool myself into thinking that my pathological behaviors are, in fact, not pathological.
- This is because, to my disordered mind, pathological behaviors actually seem very logical, well-thought-out, and intuitively sound.
- They feel like that BECAUSE I am disordered, and not because I am somehow inherently flawed.
- I personally have to accept that before I can move on in trying to have a better quality of life.
- This is not, however, the only thing I have to work on. It is only one piece of the puzzle.
- One of my ultimate goals, in recovery, is true equilibrium.
- It is natural, and human, to want true equilibrium, and to feel deprived and "crazy" when the desire for true equilibrium is invalidated.
- Invalidation is when someone tells me, through words, actions, or ANY type of nuances (including intuition), that what I want is not acceptable, not good enough, or otherwise "stupid" or "wrong".
- When someone tells me that my natural needs are stupid, wrong, or otherwise unacceptable, it is THEM who has a problem of their own.
- Natural needs are NOT stupid, wrong, or otherwise unacceptable.
- Concept: When engaging in trying to TRULY recover, I must determine what needs are natural and what needs are unnatural, and satisfy the natural needs while AT THE SAME TIME denying the unnatural urges. (Natural, here, means the same thing as inherent or instinctual.)
- THAT, I firmly believe, is one of the absolute most difficult things about recovery.
- Most people don't have someone to lean on that is well-educated about this concept AND all of this concept's complexities and implications. I believe that this is why most people have an extraordinarily difficult time in achieving true recovery.
- It SHOULD be easier, but it is NOT, for most people, easier.
- So here is how I try to help myself. I hope at least one or two of you will read it and take from it what you are able to take from it at this moment.
- I begin at the premise that human beings are born with a certain level of instinct that must be satisfied, or else the biological organism feels deprived, causing the mind, the psychological "higher self", to also feel deprived.
- Although biological instinct is obviously part of the equation here, the kind of instinct that I am referring to is more of an emotional instinct -- a "deeper" sort of instinct than biology cannot easily fully account for.
- This premise takes a certain level of trust in oneself -- a level of trust which is not at all easy to obtain. I feel thankful that I am even aware of this premise, let alone able to work with it. I have myself been aided, by another person, in my awareness of the premise.
- But I firmly believe that it is possible for ALL people to attain a good and real level of trust in their own, individualized, instinctive, biological and emotional needs.
- I also believe that the method by which people attain this trust CANNOT be fully explained by one, or more than one, artificial formula, dogma, or other set of carefully constructed principles (i.e. a specific psychological theory, such as CBT, psychodynamic theory, or DBT).
- This is because such a formula or constructed principle is by its very nature ARTIFICIAL, and NOT natural.
- And natural things are too complex to be explained by ONE theory, or one SET of theories, alone.
- Each person who enters a therapeutic relationship is likely to lean, in a very general sense, towards one theory or another in terms of what will help him or her recover from a psychological disorder.
- So artificial constructs, for a person who is disordered, can eventually help to lead him or her to connect once again with his or her internal, natural values or desires.
- But because all people are different from one another, each person's path to true recovery will be different, too. And that is NORMAL.
- So here's what I think.
- A PSYCHOLOGICAL THEORY SHOULD BE A STRATEGY, NOT A CURE.
- It is a starting point, not a full treatment in and of itself.
- I firmly believe that therapists should take instinctual cues from patients in terms of what works for them and what doesn't.
- If a psychologist has good instincts (which, due to bad personal experiences, I really think should be a requirement of the job!!), and has been trained to follow those instincts instead of rigidly applying an artificial construct, therapy feels better for both therapist and client, and therapy will help the client much more than if "fake" controls were held onto.
- If psychologically disordered people actually listened to what their own internal values were telling them, they would do what was best for them, and would be happier.
- If they did what was best for them, they would not feel the need to be as concerned with the way things SEEM instead of the way things actually ARE, or to act on their unpleasant feelings in pathological ways.
- Critical people who dub listening to internal values "selfish" are the people who place too much importance on outer values, and who, at their psychological core, are afraid of what would happen if these external value systems were removed, because this would disturb the fake equilibrium they have set up for THEMselves.
- Accordingly, critical people are not bad or "unfortunately mistaken" people. They are simply not currently ABLE to see another way... to listen to their own true feelings about things, instead of expecting the standards of one large (or small) group to rigidly apply to everyone.
- I submit to you that the only thing that is constant in life is that things are always, always changing.
- Therefore, humans need to be flexible and adaptive, not rigid and controlling.
- Rigidity and control, when forced upon a human being, ultimately lead to greater disharmony between the self and external circumstances, which can then lead to deep-seated insecurities about oneself and one's place in the world.
- It makes me wonder what society's psychological disorder is. Because it obviously has one, since in recent times it seeks to be rigid and controlling instead of flexible and adaptive.
- Why? Why? WHY?
But I prefer to question everything. Even everything I've written here.
But I guess that means I prefer to be flexible and adaptive... when I am psychologically able to be.
A theory becomes actual truth only when it is proved.
Right?
Right???
:P
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Nine days until I am admitted. Eight until I leave.
I have to admit, I'm... anxious. Nervous. Etc. I guess you'd expect that. I'm also feeling like a fraud and like I still don't REALLY need or deserve treatment -- but Daniella and I talked about that one, didn't we, girl *grins at![[info]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_ugFGN5QSohxrX-4CbvENxqgpQNqeQA0HbLZhSi4e6FeBcPjuEHPG7RAdvfFDa8c7EbJOhu60SebT22oboy644CjVJI5QQWc2kJTUX4Bbej=s0-d)
daniella89*.
Oh my. It's so hard to see the honest truth about one's brain sometimes... or all the time. You know, whichever. Hah.
I have to admit, I'm... anxious. Nervous. Etc. I guess you'd expect that. I'm also feeling like a fraud and like I still don't REALLY need or deserve treatment -- but Daniella and I talked about that one, didn't we, girl *grins at
daniella89*.Oh my. It's so hard to see the honest truth about one's brain sometimes... or all the time. You know, whichever. Hah.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Some eating disorder questions answered
MamaVision, the other day, made the following comment to me: "Hi Niika: Thanks for your comments. Can you elaborate on why you choose to restrict? Is it a choice?
"You say the number on the scale and the food manipulation is the important thing for you- why?
"Finally, you state that the thinspiration images validated for you your desire to restrict your food intake. In what why did these images validate this for you- are you saying it made you feel less guilty about doing it or am I not understanding this point?"
Here were my responses.
Okay... NOVEL TIME!! Ha. But seriously... this is really long. Sorry about that. I just have this need to explain things fully.
I think I do choose to restrict -- or, at the very least, it was definitely a deliberate choice at the beginning. I have thought about WHY I decided to restrict a lot, and I think there were a few things involved... it wasn't any single thought process.
- I was overweight (BMI 28.5) and wanted to lose weight. However, I am a very impatient person, and so if I could do it fast I wanted to do it fast. When I found some pro-"ana" communities which talked about restricting to under 500 calories a day, and some of the weight loss successes they'd had with such restriction, I decided to try it. So, partially, it was a bit of a crash diet.
- Unconsciously, I was looking for a new coping mechanism. I had just been in the hospital, where they'd forbidden me to self-injure, and if I had they'd have discharged me right away. Not wanting to be discharged, I had fearfully stopped cutting myself. But that need for control was not to be so easily dismissed. Restriction seemed, at first, like an "easy" way to still have control, while at the same time not doing that unacceptable self-mutilation "thing".
- Restriction gave me something to focus on that wasn't my own depression or other "bad" feelings I had. Later on, the starvation effect really muted my emotions, which was an effect I loved. It may be worthwhile to note that I had previously been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and for me the main manifestation of that is really INTENSE emotions about EVERYthing. It had gotten me into trouble in the past (cutting, ODs, hospitals, etc etc); so when I got a chance to get rid of it, I jumped at it. Wouldn't you?
The number on the scale and the food manipulation have to do with that same control thing, as well as almost being a sort of obsessive-compulsive thing for me these days. If I don't allow my calories to go "too high", I am able to temporarily self-soothe, but when I cannot count my calories I feel very unsettled and agitated. Previously I had experienced this same sort of situation based around my weight every morning; but I weaned myself off that, and in its place got EXTREMELY obsessive with the food.
As for the thinspiration, you've understood perfectly. Thinspiration gave me this clear message: "It is okay to want to be too thin, because all these women in the media are too." When I was less psychologically vulnerable, I really thought all that was complete schlock, BS, whatever word you want to use... but when I suddenly NEEDED this coping mechanism and this control, and WANTED weight loss, thinspiration was there, waiting to fill the holes in my mind and spirit.
Ugh.
Half a Singapore Sling at Jungle Jim's tonight, during my friend's birthday supper, has made me quite unpleasantly ill.
Remind me never to drink alcohol again. Ever.
(The damned thing didn't even remotely give me a buzz, either. I mean, what gives? All of the sickness and none of the pleasure? No thank YOU!!)
Remind me never to drink alcohol again. Ever.
(The damned thing didn't even remotely give me a buzz, either. I mean, what gives? All of the sickness and none of the pleasure? No thank YOU!!)
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day is a holiday that makes a lot of decent people feel really fucking shitty about themselves for no good reason.
Discuss.
(?)
Discuss.
(?)
Monday, February 12, 2007
| YOUR REPORT CARD: | |
| Category | Grade |
| Love | C |
| Friends and Family | C |
| Body | C |
| Mind | C |
| Finance / Career | C |
| Your Life's Average Grade: C | |
| 'What is your Life Grade?' at QuizGalaxy.com | |
In other words, my life sucks. But we already knew that. HAHA!
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Who is to blame for your eating disorder?
The woman who writes the MamaVision blog posed in a post she made today the following question, accompanied by a YouTube video: Who is to blame for your eating disorder?. I thought I would also post my response as a separate entry, because I think it is important. That may be just a little bit pretentious of me, but I don't care.
I don’t think fashion creates eating disorders, although it can be a trigger. I also don’t necessarily think people always get eating disorders because they have a bad body image, etc. I, for one, know that I actually had a very healthy body image before I got an eating disorder. I always laughed at even the slightest hint that I was supposed to be as thin as, say, a celebrity; I did not like the way the very skinny celebrities looked. To me, Beyonce, J-Lo, and Queen Latifah looked amazing. Renee Zellwegger was too skinny (at her low weights) and not attractive at all. Models? Models didn’t even exist in my world. They were just people in pictures to me.
The way I look to other people has never been that important; the numbers on the scale, and the food manipulation itself, have always been the important things to me. I am rather underweight for my body type, and I do not think that I look good — in fact, when I am able to look in the mirror objectively (which admittedly isn’t very often these days) I think I am too skinny. But I still cannot make myself eat more food or gain more weight, because that would mean a loss of control, and right now I find that idea absolutely intolerable.
Do I make sense at all?
Friday, February 09, 2007
My Internet won't fucking work properly, but it let me sign on to Semagic, so maybe I can write an entry and have it work. [Author's note: Semagic is a LiveJournal client.]
Today... I hate myself.
Today I also went to see my psychologist, for the first time since December 21st. I actually talked to her quite openly, which as she noted was a change from the last few times I'd gone to see her. I'd been very guarded and skeptical and critical the last few times; this time I was, at least at first, somewhat cheery and also a bit more, well, respectful.
One of the things we talked about was the Homewood admission, of course; and when we talked about it, I realized something. See, for some reason, I have this huge, urgent, ever-present psychological need to want someone to take care of me. And to me, hospitals feel like places where someone is actually focusing on me and attending to me and paying some fucking attention to me. I guess I unconsciously (and often consciously) feel like I don't get that in my real life, and so I seek it in places like hospitals.
The worse part of this, though, is that I spare no expense when I feel like I can't cope with life and I decide (unconsciously) that I have to get away from it all. I have overdosed at least 7-8 times, nearly dying two of those times, and nearly seriously screwing up my liver a third. I have had two psychiatric admissions that did not involve taking an overdose pre-admission (although both times I wanted to). And I think that I also gave myself an eating disorder in part because I believed that eventually an ED would bring me my longed-for hospitalization. I remember how absolutely sick with jealousy I used to get when I heard that someone who had similar problems to my own had ended up in a psychiatric ward. I would still get like that if a) these people were still in and out of psych wards, and b) I was not soon going to an inpatient program at a hospital myself.
Which is another thing. Given my history, and what I am able to admit about myself -- that I often, at least unconsciously, want to be hospitalized while I am there; that I have this desperate need for people's affection and attention -- I can't help wondering what exactly is going to happen once I get to Homewood. I think the eating behaviors are a bit far gone now to be immediately curable as soon as I put my mind to it. That being said, however, I can't help questioning myself as to what I am actually going to get out of this hospitalization. Will I actually "recover" -- or will I just "recover" for the duration of the hospitalization, and maybe for awhile afterwards, and then fall back into some sort of disorder again as another bid for attention? Will I purposely induce the eating disorder again several weeks or months after discharge just to once more prove to people how "sick" I am? Will I do it because I'm afraid nobody will acknowledge the mental aspects of my illnesses if I'm not showing some sort of physical symptoms? I don't know; but I think that all these questions come far, far closer to reaching the truth than anything else I've asked of myself lately.
My psychologist pointed out that if I was just going to the hospital for that feeling of "Ooh, someone cares about me now", I would get out and just be right back where I started again... far from being recovered. I would still be seeking validation and, not knowing any "better" way to do it, I would probably again seek that validation through disordered behaviors. And, you know... she's right. I know she's right. The truth is, boys and girls, that I'm just an attention-seeking little shit who'll do anything, no matter how much it "hurts" me, to make people "prove" that they "care about me". It's totally twisted and delusional, but it seems to be how my mind operates. And I am not sure, exactly, how Homewood is going to help change that, if it can even help at all. But right now I don't know what else to do that would be any better.
I have a really, really fucking STUPID brain.
Today... I hate myself.
Today I also went to see my psychologist, for the first time since December 21st. I actually talked to her quite openly, which as she noted was a change from the last few times I'd gone to see her. I'd been very guarded and skeptical and critical the last few times; this time I was, at least at first, somewhat cheery and also a bit more, well, respectful.
One of the things we talked about was the Homewood admission, of course; and when we talked about it, I realized something. See, for some reason, I have this huge, urgent, ever-present psychological need to want someone to take care of me. And to me, hospitals feel like places where someone is actually focusing on me and attending to me and paying some fucking attention to me. I guess I unconsciously (and often consciously) feel like I don't get that in my real life, and so I seek it in places like hospitals.
The worse part of this, though, is that I spare no expense when I feel like I can't cope with life and I decide (unconsciously) that I have to get away from it all. I have overdosed at least 7-8 times, nearly dying two of those times, and nearly seriously screwing up my liver a third. I have had two psychiatric admissions that did not involve taking an overdose pre-admission (although both times I wanted to). And I think that I also gave myself an eating disorder in part because I believed that eventually an ED would bring me my longed-for hospitalization. I remember how absolutely sick with jealousy I used to get when I heard that someone who had similar problems to my own had ended up in a psychiatric ward. I would still get like that if a) these people were still in and out of psych wards, and b) I was not soon going to an inpatient program at a hospital myself.
Which is another thing. Given my history, and what I am able to admit about myself -- that I often, at least unconsciously, want to be hospitalized while I am there; that I have this desperate need for people's affection and attention -- I can't help wondering what exactly is going to happen once I get to Homewood. I think the eating behaviors are a bit far gone now to be immediately curable as soon as I put my mind to it. That being said, however, I can't help questioning myself as to what I am actually going to get out of this hospitalization. Will I actually "recover" -- or will I just "recover" for the duration of the hospitalization, and maybe for awhile afterwards, and then fall back into some sort of disorder again as another bid for attention? Will I purposely induce the eating disorder again several weeks or months after discharge just to once more prove to people how "sick" I am? Will I do it because I'm afraid nobody will acknowledge the mental aspects of my illnesses if I'm not showing some sort of physical symptoms? I don't know; but I think that all these questions come far, far closer to reaching the truth than anything else I've asked of myself lately.
My psychologist pointed out that if I was just going to the hospital for that feeling of "Ooh, someone cares about me now", I would get out and just be right back where I started again... far from being recovered. I would still be seeking validation and, not knowing any "better" way to do it, I would probably again seek that validation through disordered behaviors. And, you know... she's right. I know she's right. The truth is, boys and girls, that I'm just an attention-seeking little shit who'll do anything, no matter how much it "hurts" me, to make people "prove" that they "care about me". It's totally twisted and delusional, but it seems to be how my mind operates. And I am not sure, exactly, how Homewood is going to help change that, if it can even help at all. But right now I don't know what else to do that would be any better.
I have a really, really fucking STUPID brain.
Admission date
I got my admission date for Homewood today.
February 27th.
I'm having allll sorts of feelings about it. Excitement, anxiousness, terror, relief... the list goes on.
But at least it's finally happening now.
It's happening. It's going. It's moving.
Things are changing.
Things might get better.
I just have to keep hanging on... because if I don't, I'll never find out if things can get better or not.
Keep walkin' on
Keep walkin' on
February 27th.
I'm having allll sorts of feelings about it. Excitement, anxiousness, terror, relief... the list goes on.
But at least it's finally happening now.
It's happening. It's going. It's moving.
Things are changing.
Things might get better.
I just have to keep hanging on... because if I don't, I'll never find out if things can get better or not.
Keep walkin' on
Keep walkin' on
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Oh, and while we're at it... remember how I said I was gonna make an ED site? Well, I made it. WARNING: It's not exactly pro-recovery, so view at your own discretion. Also, if you want to comment on an individual article, there is a comment section on the bottom of each page. :)
http://www.freewebs.com/builtonadream
http://www.freewebs.com/builtonadream
Today I ate 400 calories, and for a few hours I really felt like I was going to die. I was like... dizzy, out of it, weak, the whole shebang. But I'm feeling a little better now. Incidentally, I never realized that I have clearly been eating at least a couple hundred cals over 400 every single day -- otherwise, why would this 400 have made me feel so bad? Of course, the weakness/dizziness/etc could also have had something to do with my extreme lack of sleep last night... I got maybe 4 or 5 hours total. Oops.
Also, my butt bones hurt. Like, a lot. And I'm not exactly sure why -- I mean, my ass hasn't shrunk lately, or at least I don't think it has. So what gives???
Stupid body. Keeeeel eeeeet.
Also, my butt bones hurt. Like, a lot. And I'm not exactly sure why -- I mean, my ass hasn't shrunk lately, or at least I don't think it has. So what gives???
Stupid body. Keeeeel eeeeet.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
EXTREMELY TRIGGERING.
Fuck "recovery".
I am not eating disordered enough to NEED recovery.
I'm going to get there and the Homewood staff will do their little tests, and then ask me what the fuck I'm doing there, because I'm not bad enough to need an inpatient treatment program geared towards EDs.
They'll send me home and tell me to fix my depression and borderline.
Because that's all that's really wrong with me.
I'm fucking convinced.
Either that or I'll get there and get myself get kicked out of the program.
At which point my two friends who will be there when I go up will be disappointed in me, and know that I don't really want recovery, and am therefore a fake, and they should therefore ignore me and go on with their lives.
The Homewood staff will know I'm just an attention-seeking little shit who just needs to get her fucking act together. Who could get her act together if she simply made up her mind to do it. (Which I could. I just see no reason to, so I don't.)
And after all that happens, I will be more miserable than I can possibly imagine right now.
And I would deserve every fucking bit of it.
It makes me want to try and get kicked out... be noncompliant.
Just so nobody can ever help me.
Because I don't deserve to be helped.
And, in fact, don't actually need the help at all... at least, not the specific type of help that they can give.
And after all this is over I'll probably end up kicked out of my house, living on like $300 a month, in a miserable, pathetic half-existence destined to someday end in suicide.
But maybe that's how this was always going to play out anyway.
I am not eating disordered enough to NEED recovery.
I'm going to get there and the Homewood staff will do their little tests, and then ask me what the fuck I'm doing there, because I'm not bad enough to need an inpatient treatment program geared towards EDs.
They'll send me home and tell me to fix my depression and borderline.
Because that's all that's really wrong with me.
I'm fucking convinced.
Either that or I'll get there and get myself get kicked out of the program.
At which point my two friends who will be there when I go up will be disappointed in me, and know that I don't really want recovery, and am therefore a fake, and they should therefore ignore me and go on with their lives.
The Homewood staff will know I'm just an attention-seeking little shit who just needs to get her fucking act together. Who could get her act together if she simply made up her mind to do it. (Which I could. I just see no reason to, so I don't.)
And after all that happens, I will be more miserable than I can possibly imagine right now.
And I would deserve every fucking bit of it.
It makes me want to try and get kicked out... be noncompliant.
Just so nobody can ever help me.
Because I don't deserve to be helped.
And, in fact, don't actually need the help at all... at least, not the specific type of help that they can give.
And after all this is over I'll probably end up kicked out of my house, living on like $300 a month, in a miserable, pathetic half-existence destined to someday end in suicide.
But maybe that's how this was always going to play out anyway.
Food; parties; self-destruction; admission dates
I am so fucking ashamed of the way I ate at my uncle's 50th birthday party tonight.
On the other hand, singing karaoke was surprisingly fun.
So I guess it sorta balanced? Sorta being the key word. But at least it wasn't all bad, I suppose.
Besides, I purged before and after. That ought to count for something. Maybe.
I'm in such a volatile mood. All I want is to destroy myself. Destroy destroy destroy. Problem is -- I'm not sure how to do that anymore. Or, rather, to word that properly... I'm not sure how I want to do that anymore. All I know is that I want to do it. Really, really badly. Which isn't good, of course; but isn't that part of the reason why I'm supposed to enter treatment?
The place that sends admission dates [to my case manager] had not yet sent mine on Friday afternoon. It will be at least Tuesday before I can phone back and ask if the admission date has been sent yet. I was told this would be done by late January. Tuesday will be February SIXTH.
Life clearly really fucking hates me... and I really fucking hate it. So I guess we're even.
On the other hand, singing karaoke was surprisingly fun.
So I guess it sorta balanced? Sorta being the key word. But at least it wasn't all bad, I suppose.
Besides, I purged before and after. That ought to count for something. Maybe.
I'm in such a volatile mood. All I want is to destroy myself. Destroy destroy destroy. Problem is -- I'm not sure how to do that anymore. Or, rather, to word that properly... I'm not sure how I want to do that anymore. All I know is that I want to do it. Really, really badly. Which isn't good, of course; but isn't that part of the reason why I'm supposed to enter treatment?
The place that sends admission dates [to my case manager] had not yet sent mine on Friday afternoon. It will be at least Tuesday before I can phone back and ask if the admission date has been sent yet. I was told this would be done by late January. Tuesday will be February SIXTH.
Life clearly really fucking hates me... and I really fucking hate it. So I guess we're even.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Girls
girls.
girls.
why are there girls?
WHY are there girls?
why are there GIRLS?
distracting.
don't enjoy this distraction.
fuck.
i knew there was another reason i don't usually come here.
girls.
why are there girls?
WHY are there girls?
why are there GIRLS?
distracting.
don't enjoy this distraction.
fuck.
i knew there was another reason i don't usually come here.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
I don't know what it is, exactly, but these last few days I've been irritable as fuck. The whole drama-on-proanorexia thing has just served to make things way worse, especially as I'm so used to going to proanorexia for support, and now it's suffering from the aftereffects of all the distrust and conflict. I get so, so extremely angry when I see anything hinting at either of those things that I have just had to take myself away from the situation. It's bad enough that I can't escape my family members annoying the fuck out of me; it's worse when one of my favorite online communities does the same thing. I just can't handle it right now. Can't can't can't.
I can't help wondering if it's got something to do with my extremely strange sleep cycles over this last little while. Until the day before yesterday, I was essentially sleeping through most of the day and early evening and staying awake all night; then I was awake for almost 24 hours, after which I began my current cycle of going to bed in the early- to mid-evening and sleeping until early morning. I could still be suffering the aftereffects of that switch, I guess. All I know is that half the time I really feel like I'm about to freaking LOSE it and there never seems to be a situational trigger.
On the ED side, I had a rather... erm... unsuccessful b/p yesterday morning, resulting in me not eating for the rest of the day, as whatever food remained allowed me to function for the WHOLE day without even getting a single craving. Some might say this is good; but to me it was just rubbing it in that for the first time in my purging career I was not able to get the food out of me. This morning I ate more than I wanted to, but at least I didn't b/p, I guess; I did, however, b/p tonight at suppertime, because we had spaghetti and meatballs for supper and I was like, "Fuck it. I want ice cream, so I might as well have a bloody meal too." I ended up eating a large plate of spaghetti, a large bowl of ice cream, a large bowl of cereal (plus the several handfuls I'd had before the spaghetti), and a handful of chocolate chips.
My friend called from Homewood right after I had finished my binge, ironically enough, so I ended up pacing my room for half an hour with it stuck in me, distending my stomach. All I have to say is that I'm glad I have minimal stomach acid (due to my reflux pill, which I need for my GERD) and delayed gastric emptying... I got at least 90% of it out, and none of what came out was even partially digested. Maybe I should be worried that my body doesn't digest food well anymore; but it's hard to be worried when you're ten times more petrified of absorbing all those calories than you are of purging them out. In some perverse way, I am pleased that my body is "trained" so well that I can wait half an hour to an hour before purging and still have all the food come out practically whole. I shouldn't be, but god help me, I am.
I can't help wondering if it's got something to do with my extremely strange sleep cycles over this last little while. Until the day before yesterday, I was essentially sleeping through most of the day and early evening and staying awake all night; then I was awake for almost 24 hours, after which I began my current cycle of going to bed in the early- to mid-evening and sleeping until early morning. I could still be suffering the aftereffects of that switch, I guess. All I know is that half the time I really feel like I'm about to freaking LOSE it and there never seems to be a situational trigger.
On the ED side, I had a rather... erm... unsuccessful b/p yesterday morning, resulting in me not eating for the rest of the day, as whatever food remained allowed me to function for the WHOLE day without even getting a single craving. Some might say this is good; but to me it was just rubbing it in that for the first time in my purging career I was not able to get the food out of me. This morning I ate more than I wanted to, but at least I didn't b/p, I guess; I did, however, b/p tonight at suppertime, because we had spaghetti and meatballs for supper and I was like, "Fuck it. I want ice cream, so I might as well have a bloody meal too." I ended up eating a large plate of spaghetti, a large bowl of ice cream, a large bowl of cereal (plus the several handfuls I'd had before the spaghetti), and a handful of chocolate chips.
My friend called from Homewood right after I had finished my binge, ironically enough, so I ended up pacing my room for half an hour with it stuck in me, distending my stomach. All I have to say is that I'm glad I have minimal stomach acid (due to my reflux pill, which I need for my GERD) and delayed gastric emptying... I got at least 90% of it out, and none of what came out was even partially digested. Maybe I should be worried that my body doesn't digest food well anymore; but it's hard to be worried when you're ten times more petrified of absorbing all those calories than you are of purging them out. In some perverse way, I am pleased that my body is "trained" so well that I can wait half an hour to an hour before purging and still have all the food come out practically whole. I shouldn't be, but god help me, I am.
So let's see.
- Food is freaking me out.
- I am eating more than I am comfortable with but can't seem to stop, because I'm an idiot.
- I hate food.
- FOOD NEEDS TO DIE A HORRIBLE FUCKING DEATH.
I ate three (small-ish) bowls of Splenda earlier, too.
What the fuck do I need with three small bowls of Splenda!?!?
Augggggh.
- Food is freaking me out.
- I am eating more than I am comfortable with but can't seem to stop, because I'm an idiot.
- I hate food.
- FOOD NEEDS TO DIE A HORRIBLE FUCKING DEATH.
I ate three (small-ish) bowls of Splenda earlier, too.
What the fuck do I need with three small bowls of Splenda!?!?
Augggggh.
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