So... I went out to the mall with my mom and sister and my sister's friend, and I bought some track pants to wear at Curves, a random t-shirt for summer, and five pairs of undies. Cool, right? Well, I was pretty sure that afterwards we were going to go eat... and sure enough, that's exactly what we did. I had planned for that, and had gone to the Mr. Sub site to see what the lowest cal sandwiches were, but... I had to eat! Some fast this is!! But I really, honestly did not have a choice. It was either eat or have my mom suspect something was the matter with my eating. And the sub was just a little over 300 cals, I believe, which isn't that bad. But still. Nothing like ruining a fast. :|

Oh well. At the mall I got exhausted really easily, and I was dehydrated even before I got there, so, honestly, I was almost glad to have an excuse to eat something. But it was really funny when I woke up this morning, and could hardly concentrate or focus on anything... and then right after I ate my multivitamin, it was like the world came alive. It was retarded, but cool :P. (And, no, I'm not politically correct. Heck, my dad works with mentally delayed people. I don't care.) I also had one of my calcium chews, and did NOT have a chocolate craving afterward. In fact, a bit of the chew almost didn't go down -- I had to have some water with it. :/

Anyway, that's been my day so far (about... seven hours?). How has your day been?

EDIT: Oh... one thing I forgot to mention! In the (undie and bra store) I was trying on bras, and... my usual C cup doesn't quite fit anymore! I was wondering where I had lost the weight that I've lost so far (about 10 pounds now), and now I know! But, believe it or not, it actually made me happy that my boobs shrank a little bit (I am a very full B cup). I really, truly am losing weight somewhere... and somewhere fatty!! :D

Day 18 (Fast, day 2/5)

Daily weigh-in: 153.4! Sweeeeet! This liquids-only fast is gonna do me some good, I think. Yesterday I had only 13 calories -- 10 from a bowl of OXO bouillon broth, and 3 from a piece of gum. Today I am going to have a little more -- will probably have a 1/2 cup of milk, at least -- if only to fool my system into thinking it's getting food.

Today when I woke up I was a bit shaky, and slightly... I don't know if light-headed is the right word, exactly. But I only feel a tad bit weak. I guess that isn't too bad.

Anyway, I must go have a shower now, and then drink some water, and probably that half cup of milk before I go out. My mom and I are going to try Curves today, so before that we are going shopping -- I don't even have a pair of gym pants. I hope I'll get some good exercise out of it. :)

Day 17 (Fast, day 1/5)

Daily weigh-in: 154.6. Still. I guess that's better than gaining, though! :)

We'll see if I can stick to my all-liquids fast today. I really really hope so.

Okay. I know I fucked up on the fast big-time... but I want to try it again. Starting tomorrow. Heidi is going for another five days, so I may attempt that... although I may change my fast a little. Instead of going only water, I think I will have some orange juice and maybe a little milk, so that the hunger pangs don't get too unbearable, and I don't try to devour the first food that goes under my nose. I just hate that at nights I get depressed and really don't care what I eat, so I allow myself to binge. Tonight I ate 500 calories' worth of a swiss chocolate roll, bringing my total for today to a little over 800. Blargh. :/

Once that chocolate roll is gone, though, I think I can be okay. The ice cream sandwiches are already eaten, so they won't be a temptation anymore either. Also, I have all the ingredients for a low-cal pita wrap (low-cal pitas, meats, and fat-free cheese), so I may or may not eat one of those occasionally. However, I'd really like to resist solid foods if I can.

This is gonna be a toughie... but I have to try and assert my willpower somehow. Stupid body wanting lots of food. FUCK YOU, BODY. :P

Mmmkay... apparently fasting doesn't work for me :/. My dad made chicken breast, mashed potato, corn on the cob and green beans for supper, and I took some small portions to make it look like I was eating. However, when I got to my room to throw out the meal, I couldn't help myself. I mean, it was all healthy... not too many cals either (about 300, from my calculations).

I might as well just face it... I'm a disgustingly weak person who can't say no when someone puts food under her nose.

I should have known this wasn't going to work.

Day 16 (Fast, day 1/4)

Daily weigh-in: 154.6! Wow! This is the least I've weighed in a very long time... and with my four-day liquids-only fast starting today, it can only get better! :D

Speaking of that... I am tweaking my fast just a tiny bit.

For four days, I will consume only:
- Water (unlimited)
- Diet Coke (sporadically)
- I can't bring myself to drink tea, so I won't be having that.
- I may allow myself half a cup of orange juice a day (60 cals), because I still feel squicky about 0 calories a day. Call me crazy, but... it's just an irrational fear that I can barely keep under control. I don't know if I'll let myself have it today, but I may, and I may on other days.
- My medications. Can't stop those for a fast.
- A Flintstones multivitamin or two per day, and MAYBE a calcium chew. I say maybe because, often, eating those calcium chews gives me a really bad craving for chocolate, so I'm not sure if I want to risk it. Anyway, the Flintstones vitamins have a little bit of calcium in them.

And... that is my diet for the next four days. :)

Bad, bad girl. Useless girl. Worthless girl. Fat girl. PIGGY girl.

I am talking to myself, of course. First, my family dragged me to Wendy's, where I ate a kids' chicken nugget meal (lowest-cal thing I could get, except a salad, which would just seem WEIRD to my family). Tonight, I proceeded to consume part of that swiss chocolate cake, followed by two ice cream sandwiches. Then, realizing how absolutely disgusting that was, I knew I'd have to go try to purge it all up.

I at least got the ice cream up, I think. As for the cake... well, I got a little bit up. Not much, but a little. It's still better than having it all in me though.

Stick to your fucking diet next time, you idiotic piece of shit!

Take II, Day 15

Daily weigh-in: 156 exactly. Not as bad as I had feared, but still gaining... urgh. Next time, remind me to eat some HEALTHY foods on the day I go over calorie count! I honestly did not eat one single thing that could classify as healthy, unless you count the lettuce on my chicken burger or the chocolate milk. Otherwise... it was an All-The-Crap-You-Can-Eat day. *hits self with foam baseball bat* Be good today, you!

How many cals today? I'd say somewhere around 1000. Too much, I know... but I'm too fucking depressed to care. I'm lucky I had the amount of self-control I did today. I wanted to eat just about every piece of junk food / high cal food that existed in my house. I DID resist binging on Mini Croquettes. I DID resist getting a 6-piece nugget meal at McD's instead of a 4-piece. I DID resist getting regular Coke with that instead of diet. I DID resist eating a piece of a swiss chocolate cake so disgustingly high in calories that just eating one TWELFTH can put three or four hundred calories into you. So I didn't totally fail... but I certainly didn't win, either.

I just feel down today. It's not the clinical depression either. Mourning a lost friendship is not clinical depression. But it still really fucking sucks, and I still don't seem to know how to deal with it without comfort food.

Fuck.

Take II, Day 14

Daily weigh-in: 155.6! I hope this is not just my scale being stupid -- the first three times I weighed myself it gave me a different weight each time :/. But 155.6 showed up three times in a row, so, for now at least, I will trust it.

My calorie count for last night was 456... good good :). I might start varying my calorie intake a little -- today, for example, I think I set the bar for 600-700 cals. Practically every community I'm in has said that a varied calorie intake is better for weight loss than sticking to one certain goal every day. So... I decided to give myself a bit of a treat :). Tomorrow, though, it'll probably be 300-400 cals. All play and no work, after all, will make me fat. :D

Take II, Day 13

Morning weigh-in: 157.4. Grossssssss.

Not even going to bother counting calories tonight... but here is a food list:

- Large glass of water with pills
At restaurant:
- 1 large glass of regular Pepsi
- 2 fried chicken taquitos and a small part of a third one
- 1 chicken soft-shelled taco (with lettuce, sour cream, salsa, and one small strip of green pepper)
- About... oh, 15 or 20 fries? Probably about a tbsp of ketchup with those.
After:
- The chocolate insides of a thin piece of cake, about half of its height being made up of substances that were not chocolate insides
- 1 Chipper
- 1 and 0.75 cans of regular Pepsi

If you really wanna calorie-count for me, you can feel free. I am just FAR too lazy to bother trying to estimate all that. I can sum it up in two words, though: Too much.

An interesting article, found on an interesting site. (Warning: The second link leads to a pro-anorexia site.)

Fuck... I HATE it when my antidepressant stops working because I've had alcohol. It really makes me get the munchies -- and what I mean by that is that I eat for comfort, and I am too apathetic (because of the depression) to give two shits about what I eat, or calories, or anything I would if I was feeling better. I've just eaten a Chipper ice cream bar, and am working on a can of regular Pepsi -- and I don't care. Even though I know I should care. I just don't. Right now my attitude is, "I'll eat whatever the fuck I want, and however much of it I want. Why does it matter?"

I'm apathetic and having trouble concentrating and feel out of it and my mood is more "down" and I am generally just fogged-up in the brain right now. Fucking dysthymia... I hate it. And I never realized just how bad it was before I started taking this drug -- and have had a couple of instances where the alcohol has made my antidepressant stop working. How did I live like this before? I really have no idea.

Take II, Day 12

Daily weigh-in: 155.2! So apparently the McDonald's and vodka and eating "too much" last night didn't do a whole lot. I think that's pretty good.

Tonight (actually, very very soon), I'm going to a restaurant with my family to celebrate my mom's birthday, so I will likely be imbuing more calories than I really want to. However, it's funny lately -- I literally cannot fit as much food inside me at once as I could before. My stomach is perfectly satisfied with my 500 cals a day spread out, it honestly is -- no grumbling or feeling really insatiated or anything. Instead of the physical hunger, my real problem is cravings, because when I don't eat the "normal" calorie level I get cravings a LOT, particularly for sweets and grain products. That's when I have to start using the self-control.

Anyway, my point is -- I don't know if I'll even be able to finish that restaurant meal. So I'll just eat what I want until I feel full, and then stop. I think this is the easiest way to manage it, because I won't be actually depriving myself, but I'll be listening to my body's cues and not eating until I feel bloated, which means I won't have to go purge it up. So I can be perfectly satisfied with whatever "meal" I eat, and hopefully not eat too much tonight. I know this sounds like a cop-out (and probably is), but if I DON'T go, or DON'T eat what I usually eat, my family is going to start suspecting. And that cannot happen.

Day 11

Haven't updated for awhile, for the following reasons:

- Saturday was kind of a let-myself-go day, because I knew I'd be drinking in the night, and McDonald's was too impossible to resist a second time. I mean, I only got a chicken nugget happy meal, with a Diet Coke, but still. Over the course of the night I probably had at least 3/4ths of a flask of vodka, with probably about 4 cans of Diet 7-Up, and I also had one Malted Milk bar and a small portion of another one.
- Sunday morning at about 4 AM, my friends made me go home because one of them was having a panic attack and the other was just plain pissed. I felt so terrible that I got a very strong wish to die, and ended up swallowing pills, throwing up a couple of times, and ending up in the hospital.
- I was at the hospital from about 5:30 AM till about 6 PM. During this time I barely got any sleep, and, because I had not quite a 1/2 (tiny) container of orange juice at around 1, I puked up AGAIN... right in front of the psychiatrists, too. It was disgusting, and I was too nauseous before I got home and took my reflux pill to have anything but water and some unsalted crackers.
- Tonight, though, I ate like the pig I truly am at heart. I had a pretty large bowl of turkey soup, then I had a chicken burger (complete with mayo) and a whole large glass of milk. I am seriously considering making another chicken burger later and having it with another half glass of milk. That shit tasted SO good.
- My cal count probably still isn't that bad, all things considered, but it's definitely not where it ought to be. So tonight I will allow myself the indulgence of that extra chicken burger and milk, and tomorrow I will likely try to begin my restriction again.

I'm afraid to weigh myself tomorrow, though. I am DEFINITELY going to be up a few pounds. :|

Take II, Day 10

Daily weigh-in: 155.4. Yesssssss!!!!

I have to go now, so I don't have time to make a detailed entry. But the weight is enough! :D

Calorie count for the day: 377. This pleases me greatly. I feel good about myself right now for reaching my goal, with another 123 calories to spare. It's so awesome. :)

I hope that when I weigh myself tomorrow it's lower than today's. It had better be, or I'll be pissed.

I just chewed and spat out three Lindor truffles. It tasted quite good, and almost none of the calories got into my system. I'm satisfied. :)

Take II, Day 9

Daily weigh-in: 156.2! Yay! Now I've just gotta keep droppin' it down. Maybe the stomach crunches and push-ups are starting to work... lol. (After I wrote that last entry and before going to bed, I did about 30 crunches and 20 push-ups.)

I don't feel so demoralized today. But, all the same, I am not going to make predictions and/or declarations about what I will eat. Clearly, that doesn't seem to be working well. So I'll just try my best, and at the end of the day will give the calorie and food report as usual. Seeing numbers in the late hundreds, and remembering what I ate the day before, will hopefully motivate me to STOP EATING ALL THAT JUNK FOOD. Lol.

Today's calories: 933. I am disgusting. I had all sorts of cravings a few hours after supper, so first I ate my other double chocolate cookie (NEVER buying those stupid things again), and then later I ate one of my packages of Lindor truffles (220 cals for the three of them). After thinking about it for a few minutes, I decided to go purge it up, despite that I had heard that chocolate tasted horrible when purged. I didn't care -- I just wanted that shit OUTTA me. (Note to self: Next time, chew and spit, you moron!) I didn't get any "big" purge this time, which I attribute to having drunk no liquids in between bites of the chocolate. I did, however, start throwing up tiny bits of strawberry Jello with the chocolate, so every time I puked I got this interesting strawberry-chocolate taste in my mouth. It was surprisingly not bad.

Of course, my mouth tasted terrible afterwards, so I did my usual rinse with Listerine and gum-popping (Excel Polar Ice). I'm gonna wait a bit longer before I brush my teeth, so I don't scrub the acid in.

I hate how weak I am when a craving comes along and I have stuff around to fill that craving. I hate how weak I am in general. How do I expect to lose any weight when I keep breaking my 500 cal limit, and hardly exercise, and most of the food I DO eat is crap??

I should have known this plan wasn't going to work. Nothing ever does seem to work for me.

Take II, Day 8

Daily weigh-in: 157.4. Maybe I should have weighed myself before I took my pills (with lots of water) and started eating carb-free Jello and drinking Diet Coke. Still, though... I guess it's not SO bad. But I wanna get under this stupid 157 sooooo baaaaaad. :/

But anyway... one thing I love about this carb-free Jello is that I could eat the whole bowl and only consume 40 calories :D. I think it's amazing. Also, I purposely cut it into 8 pieces so that my sister and mother will only have 1 piece, which leaves 3/4ths of the Jello for me. It tastes wicked and fills me up and has, like, no cals. It's freakin' fantastic.

Maybe today will be a better day...

Calorie total for the day: 966. I did NOT go over 1000, at least... since I went over 500 without even realizing it, today's new goal became not to go over 1000. And I did it. So that's not bad.

On the other hand, I just drank an entire bottle of cold water, and now my bladder is being lovely and making me pee a lot. I guess that's what I get for drinking so much of it so late at night. Now I have to wait till my bladder settles down before I can take my sleeping pill. Ergh.

Okay. Soooo... the whole fasting idea didn't work. My ideas never seem to. I got really paranoid about not eating before I had my appointments, so I grabbed the other Tim's chocolate chip cookie I had in my purse and gobbled it down. Then, after the appointments, we went out to eat, and I had a roast chicken sub at Subway and a diet coke (not so bad), but then I had one of the double chocolate cookies. That was terrible of me... I used to work there, so I already had it ingrained into my head that just one of those cookies is about 220 calories. I KNEW this, and yet I ate the fucking cookie anyway. I am so weak when I'm around other people. Blarrrrrrrrgh. :/.

I have yet to count my calories, but I think it's already at 500, if not over that. Oh well. Tomorrow's a new day, and they say to vary your calorie count anyway. :)

On a better note, I bought some good snack-y options today... three packs of 0-carb Jello, which is only 40 calories per Jello packet, and some Chipits (chocolate chips) for when I get chocolate cravings, which has 90 cals per tablespoon. Just as long as I only eat a tablespoon when I get a craving, and keep it down to once a day, I should be all right. Let's hope and pray. Oh, and I still have three of those Jello fat-free vanilla puddings (90 each) and my Soup at Hand (70 cals for the container).

I will win yet!!!! :P

Take II, Day 7

I've decided I'm only going to post the morning weigh-ins... I think they're more accurate, because they don't fluctuate as much. Today's was 157 pounds exactly, which I suppose isn't extraordinarily terrible.

I haven't had anything to eat yet today, and I don't know if/when I will eat. Oh well. I really don't care right now. All I really want to do is crawl into bed and go to sleep again, but I have a psychiatrist appointment soon, and after that I have to go to family therapy. Urgh.

Oh well. Maybe this will mean that I'll at least eat supper or something.

Everybody seems to be posting food lists today, so I guess I'll do the same.

Flintstones Multivitamin, 1 - 0
Excel Polar Ice Gum, 1 piece - 3
McDonald's Turkey BLT (whole wheat bun, no mayo), 1 - 366
Jello Fat-Free Vanilla Pudding, 1 cup - 90
Calcium Chew, 1 - 20

Total: 479

I am pleased with my self-control today :). I LOVE it when I don't break the 500 limit. I love the feeling of control. I can control what I put into my body, at least, if I can't control a single other thing in the world. It feels pretty good when I manage it.

Also, the nightly weight-in: 158.6. Grrrrrr. I'm not losing anymore! Is it because I'm taking my vitamin supplements, I wonder? Or is it just because at night I have more liquids in me? I don't know, but it's frustrating. Really, really, REALLY frustrating. -.-

Take II, Day 6

Morning weigh-in: 157.6. Slowly creeping back down. That's a good sign, I guess.

Today I don't care what temptations throw themselves my way. Heck, I'm going to the mall and then to watch a movie with my friends later, and I'm not even going to let THAT stop me. I am ONLY eating a few scarce fruits and veggies, and if we eat lunch/supper at the mall I will consider having a sub (less than 300 cals) or maybe even a wrap (less cals than that). I'm disgusted with myself that I even agreed to go to Tim's and get that half hot chocolate and cookie. The calories I put into myself should come from GOOD foods, not terrible ones like chocolate chip cookies.

And every time I think about how much I'd like to eat something that will unnecessarily add to my caloric intake, I just read over my quotes, or look at some of my pictures, to remind myself of why I'm doing this. I want to lose weight. I want to be thin. I want to lose weight. I want to be thin. And I can't do/be either of those things if I keep indulging myself in fast food and junk food cravings, or letting other people convince me to eat things I never wanted to eat in the first place.

Also, I'm going to start exercising more. Someone informed me that muscle mass is the first thing that goes when your body is burning calories, and I do NOT want to end up barely able to walk or something. I'm going to force myself to exercise more than I have been. I mean, come on -- three minutes of dancing is nothing. Five times that is more like it. And, I mean, I can take breaks between songs. It's not like I'll even be gruelling myself too badly. GET WITH IT, NIIKA. YOU NEED TO KEEP SOME MUSCLE.

Heh. *cough*

End of day weigh-in: 158.4. Gained two pounds... ugh. THAT probably came from the vodka and peanut M&Ms I had for several hours last night. Note to self: Do not get drunk very often.

Calorie count for the day was about 475, which made me very happy indeed. Today's been another "good" day. I was actually, for a few minutes, contented with myself after I realized I'd achieved my goal for the day. It felt so good to know that I have the willpower to stick to under 500 calories, a Tim Horton's trip and all (donut and coffee shop). I took my Flintstones multivitamin and my calcium supplement -- I resisted the temptation to eat more than I should have at Tim's -- I resisted the temptation of eating goulash, a favorite supper of mine -- I resisted eating any of the watermelon candies I have an entire package of.

I am gaining a teeny bit more willpower and drive every day, I think, and I love it. I love this feeling of control. I love knowing that my weight will continue to drop, and my body will continue to eat the fat from right under my own skin in order to fuel itself properly. I love knowing that, sooner or later, I'll be as small as I was in grade eight, or maybe even smaller. I love knowing that soon I will be able to go to a popular clothing store and actually find things that fit. I want all the benefits that come with being thin... I want them a lot. And I don't mind restricting indefinitely to get them.

Quotes

For my own inspiration, mostly, but I certainly don't mind if they inspire you guys too. :)

++++++++++

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Of course it's hard; if it were easy, everyone would be thin!

Starvation is fulfilling. Colors become brighter, sounds sharper, odors so much more savory and penetrating that inhalation fills every fibre and pore of the body. The greatest enjoyment of food is actually found when never a morsel passes the lips.

Quod me nutrit me destruit. (That which nourishes me destroys me.)

Why can't they realize my strength, how much it's taken to make so little of myself?

They always say they're concerned about me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love. Like prisoners everywhere, all I have left is the power to refuse.

I do eat normally; I eat only what is necessary for survival. I can't help it that we live in a piggish society where gluttony is the norm, and everyone else is constantly stuffing themselves.

When you coast without eating for a significant period of time, and you are still alive, you begin to scoff at those fools who believe they must eat to live. It is blatantly obvious to you that this is not true.

How many pounds till I am happy, how many pounds till I get thin? Three more pounds till I am skinny, three more pounds and I win!

You've made a decision: you will NOT stop. The pain is necessary, especially the pain of hunger. It reassures you that you are strong, can withstand anything.

You can learn to love anything, I think, if you need to badly enough. I trained myself to enjoy feeling hungry. If my stomach contracts, or I wake up feeling nauseated, or I'm light-headed or have a hunger headache, or better yet, all of the above, it means I'm getting thinner, so it feels good. I feel strong, on top of myself, in control.

Take II, Day 5

Today I start restricting liek woah. The only food that will be going into my body are fruits and vegetables -- if I decide to eat at all. All I've had so far today is water with my pills, and now a piece of Excel Polar Ice (2.5 cals a piece!). Hoping to stave it off for a few more hours, and then I might have an apple or something.

Also, I only woke up two hours ago. I guess that's what I get for going to bed at 4:30 AM. Heh. *cough*

Edit: "Morning" weigh-in: 156.2! Wow! I'm getting there a lot faster than I had anticipated...

End-of-day weigh-in: 158.8. Easter didn't do as much to me as I expected! That's always good. :)

Also, I'm so buzzed right now. I am very unsteady when I walk. Hehe. :P

Couldn't stomach the turkey dinner. Just could not stomach it. Went into the bathroom very soon after supper and threw it all up. At least, I assume I threw almost all of it up, because the last bit of puke was really, really bitter, like the bile I threw up in the emergency room once, and barely had any food in it. Plus I did a REALLY big one a few purges before that where the food just flooded out of my mouth. So I think I got almost all of it, if not all. I hope I did.

I don't like purging, but I had to. I felt so bloated and fat and disgusting that I just couldn't keep it in. Ugh. I guess there's not going to be any more "normal" eating for me from now on. :|

Change of plans. I've decided I'm going to eat as much chocolate / dinner / Pepsi / etc as I want today, but for at least two days after that I'm going on a VERY restrictive diet -- something like minimal fruits and veggies only (well, and water and diet coke) -- to clean out my system and help me lose what I'm going to gain today. I just can't resist all the chocolate and good stuff out around today, especially because we have company over. My willpower sucks on holiday days. :/

Take II, Day 4

Morning weigh-in (well, sorta morning): 158.2. I think I like weighing myself better in the mornings. Haha. :P

Today I will be eating turkey dinner... and nothing else. Fitday.com has helped me calculate the caloric content of my usual turkey dinner, and, as I said before, it's under 800 cals, which isn't SO bad, I suppose. Just as long as I can fast the rest of the day, and really restrict for the next few days after that, I think I'll be okay.

Daily weigh-in: 159.8!! I haven't been in the 150s for a really long time... I hope it keeps droppin down...
Calories for the day (estimate): 1441. Disgusting, I know. Tomorrow will not be so bad. Turkey dinner will actually be under 800 cals, and I don't plan to eat anything else except my calcium supplement, which is 20 cals.

Not bad, considering the havoc I went through earlier. Not so bad at all.

Graphic description of purging ahead

... okay, add purging to the list. I found a site that suggested the Quiznos regular pizza sub was over 1400 calories... and I just went bonkers. All I could think about was getting some of it out of me before it was entirely too late. So I purged. It looked like I got maybe a quarter or so out, at least, or maybe even half. It's pretty hard to tell when it's half-digested... but it looked like a fair amount to me. It was SO disgusting coming up -- burned my throat when I was finally able to get a "good" purge, and tasted terrible -- but I felt like I had no other choice. That fucking disgusting shit isn't completely staying in my body. I just had to get some of it out. Gross gross gross gross gross. :/ (The sub and puking both).

Take II, Day 3

Goddamnit. I gave into temptation and had a sub from Quiznos. I got it on whole wheat bread, and had diet coke with it, but still. It was a pizza sub, so it had the sauce and the pepperoni and -- ewwwwww. I'm afraid to find out how many calories is in it. I'm going to explore the Subway site and see how many calories their typical 12" pizza sub on whole wheat has, because it's probably somewhat close to how many I ate.

GROSS. Now I will probably have to fast all night, aside from a calcium supplement. Not that I can't do it -- but I wish I didn't have to. Fucking fattening Quiznos.

Edit: Disgusting... that stupid sandwich was 960 cals... NINE HUNDRED AND SIXTY. OMG. That's fucking sick. I am NEVER eating at Quiznos again.

Later:

My solution to getting rid of those extra cals (aside from fasting): Exercise! From the walking I did earlier, and the dancing I just did, I burned 106 calories. That's not even counting all the typing / walking around my house / other stuff. As long as every now and again I put on a dance song and aerobically dance the hell out of it, I will keep on burning calories. 20 cals burned for a 3-minutes Madonna song! Awesome.

I'm just glad I have a way to compensate. I don't feel so much like a failure now.

Kept it to under 500 cals today... I am proud of myself!!! I am using Fitday.com to keep track of all the foods I eat and their calories and nutrients, as well as my activities (if I do any -- I try to do at least 10 or 15 minutes of something each day) and my weight. The activities I entered only burned off 33 calories, but still -- it's something. And considering that I only ate 457 cals, I guess 33 is a fair percentage of that to burn off.

I will do my end weight for the day in a few minutes. I've just been filling myself with water, though, so perhaps I should weigh in before I finish drinking the glass. :)

EDIT: Final weigh-in... 160.6! Clearly, my body did not want to lose weight in that five-hour period or so between weighings. Ah well. Maybe tomorrow I'll see some change. :)

Current Weight: 160.6lbs

Sweeeet.

Take II, Day 2

All I've had to eat so far today is a Flintstones multivitamin, a piece of bread with peanut butter, and a bunch of Diet Coke and water. And, honestly, I'm not even that hungry. I mean, it's true that I only woke up for real about six hours ago, but it's still good :). Total cals: 159.

I might go weigh myself soon. I'm curious to see if I've lost any, or if that stupid gross fatty Pizza Experts last night made me gain some back. Ugh.

Day 1 weigh-in and calorie count

End of day weigh-in (unclothed): 161.8 lbs. I must say, that's better than what I expected. I went out to supper with friends, so, of course, I had to ingest many more calories than I wanted to :/. However, when I weighed myself earlier today, before going out to supper, I was 162.6... so I don't know exactly what that means.

Calorie total for the day was approximately 1220... much more than I wanted; but I can start fixing that tomorrow. No one's going to be dragging me to Pizza Delight and Dairy Queen then. :)

Take II, Day 1

Taking off all my clothes makes me lose about two pounds. I think that's cool. :)

Not even 300 cals yet today. I'm doin' good. An apple, water, a piece of gum, and now I'm having a bowl of Campbell's chicken noodle soup. I'm gonna have some Diet Coke with that, too, I think.

Might be going out tonight, so I may have to eat some random treat or another. But I am prepared for that. Nothing else with any caloric value, aside from maybe a few cauliflower florets, will go into me before we leave tonight, so I can keep the cal count as low as possible (I doubt I'll be able to puke it out before the cals reach my system). I will, of course, also order the smallest size in whatever treat thing I get. I think I'm gonna look up some stuff from McDonald's and Dairy Queen, because those two places are the ones we tend to frequent most. Figure out what I can buy that won't give me too many cals.

I must say, I'm pleased with my willpower today. Chewing that gum helped a LOT -- kept my jaw busy, so my mind was vaguely thinking it was eating. Drinking water helps a lot, too. Diet Coke will be good for drinking when I'm eating something, because it will give me that sensation of fullness, whereas water will just flush the food out faster and make me hungry again faster than I'd be with Diet Coke.

Am not sure what I'm going to do about Easter Supper yet -- whether I'll puke it out, or leave it in and just fast the day before and/or after. There's no question that I'm going to eat it... the parentals would be totally suspicious if I didn't, and I do NOT want them to know about this stuff.

Take I, Day 2

I am slowly trying to get my calorie max goal down. I went to a calculator on a website that told me my daily caloric needs add up to 1585.92 cals. I ate 1319 calories yesterday... far too much. I mean, yes, I burned around 45 of those calories off, but still. I changed my goal to 1100, down from 1200, to try and motivate myself a little more. Soon I'd like to get to 1000 as a max -- perfectly possible if I fill the time between meals with diet pepsi/coke, water, and maybe an occasional bit of veggies (cauliflower, anyone?).

I've only had 261 calories so far today... I am pleased with myself. I have decided that, to keep my cravings for junk food in check, I will allow myself to eat tiny bits of bars or a few chips at a time. I just had one Pringle -- 11 calories, which isn't so bad, I guess. One block of a Caramilk bar is 26 calories. One of those fiddle stix is 25 calories. Etc etc. You know? Just little things, so I don't completely deny myself and end up screwing myself over by gobbling down the whole chocolate bar or something. (260 calories in just one Caramilk bar! Eww.)

I am finding some contradictory calorie infomation on sites, though. For example, on this site it said my large orange was only 86 cals, but on another site I found it says 100. On this other site it also says that a regular-sized orange is only 35 calories, which doesn't make much sense to me. It also says an apple is only 45 calories... that seems a bit low to me, too. Wtf!? I will have to look at this some more -- get more sites, etc.

If I do well for the rest of the day I'll let myself have a bit of a treat, I think. Treats come only after I know I've met my calorie goal of the day, and have a little room to spare. :)

Take I, Day 1

Today was a bit of a worse day than I had anticipated, as Dad took me out for McDonald's for lunch today, and I couldn't start buying Happy Meals AND getting Diet Coke at the same time. I don't want this whole transition thing to look any weirder than it has to. At least I got the diet coke, though... saved myself a few calories. Even so, I've gone over 1000 already today. For tonight I predict: Lots of Diet Pepsi (it only has 4 calories in the whole bottle), water, and stuff like apples, oranges, cauliflower, and carrots -- negative calorie foods. Although this site is stupid and says I got 86 calories for an orange. Maybe I should just remove the damned orange from the list. Yes, that sounds like a good idea.

I was at the grocery store with Mom and Dad today and got a couple more cans of soup (not that we needed any, as I was to discover when I got home and found five cans in the pantry) and two cans of Heinz spaghetti, which has -way- less calories than Chef Boyardee. Random fact of the day: Did you know that Bob the Builder spaghetti has 10 less calories than all the other Heinz spaghetti? Fact. I thought that was really funny, and, of course, random. Got me a can of that and a can of Simpsons. Less than 250 in the whole can, I think -- haven't been able to calculate the actual caloric value of the entire can.

Some good things to eat are going to include dry Corn Flakes (well, maybe I'll add a painstakingly measured amount of milk), possibly some Quaker oatmeal with water instead of milk (140 for the apple cinnamon!), tropicana orange juice w/ calcium (110 calories per 250mL), and, surprisingly, a Napoli mini pizza is not bad, either (180 cals). And by "good" I do, of course, mean "calorie low". I wanted to buy Diet Coke instead of Diet Pepsi, but Mom was like, "What if Leanne comes over? She'll want some. Blah blah blah." So I let her buy the Pepsi instead of Coke... for now. But I plan to make the switch to Coke when this bottle is gone. Why drink 4 calories per bottle when it's just as easy not to? I mean, I know 4 calories isn't that much... but it could add up, especially considering the amount of soda I drink. :$

So, to sum up: Today wasn't as good as I expected, but some things must be sacrificed to keep up appearances. Tomorrow I can start restricting for real -- I think.

I think it's time for some water, followed by some Diet Pepsi. Stupid grumbling stomach.

Take I, Day -1

This is the night I started writing out calories and preparing for what I was about to start the next day: Restricting! Gotta lose that extra 30 pounds, or maybe even more!

Time to start eatin' less and movin' more!