Sometimes I just figure I will die from all this shit eventually. And then I start wondering why I am bothering to try and prolong the inevitable. But then sometimes I think I can actually get better, and I have to keep trying or I never WILL get better.

I am massively ambivalent about recovery, and it's tearing me apart. The self-destructive drive is SO STRONG right now, and yet the side that wants recovery has some strength as well, particularly because that side is being highly supported by M House. If I wasn't here, I can say with fair certainty that the recovery side wouldn't even have a chance. As it is, though, both sides are pulling at me, screaming at me, trying to force me to make a choice, and I haven't got the first fucking clue what to do. All I know is that this may slowly drive me even crazier than I already was.


I have to eat supper soon. :/

The suicidal thoughts are starting to become more of a chronic condition than an acute, episodic thing. I don't think that's good, really, but I feel rather indifferent to it most of the time. It probably doesn't scare me like it should. It just feels like... the way things are. The way my brain works. It also feels, at this point, like something I've always had and always will have, although I realize logically that this last part isn't true. It just feels true.

Today my ninth belt notch is not as tight as it was. Yay!!

I'm sorry if I sound like some kind of bubbly school girl in these posts, by the way. I forgot how heady this stuff can feel initially. I can't exactly call it the fasting high, since I'm not fasting, but maybe you could call it a restriction high. Sort of. I think it has just as much to do with the fact that doing this makes me feel like I actually have some kind of purpose, and am working towards something I actually WANT, instead of something I feel like I should do. You know?

Anyway, I have to go try to do some more Latin, since I was a moron and decided I needed lots more work in my life -.-. I'll probably write something again soon-ish. Hopefully, at least.

125.4. OMG OMG OMG. You have nooo idea how happy this makes me. This was in my skivvies, after 1.5 cups of dehydrating coffee, a BM, and no food so far today, but still. That's exactly the weight I came back from Homewood with!! I never thought I'd see that number again.

But I need to lose more. I am still far too fat. 120 is the absolute minimum, but ideally I'd like at least the mid to high teens somewhere. It's just a matter of how much I can get away with before staff finds out. I guess I will find out the limits pretty soon.

And if I can't restrict a lot, well... there's always exercise, I guess.

Being at my old house seems to be a trigger. Hmmm. Maybe it's just because I realize afresh how stupid and fucking pointless my life actually is while I'm here.

On the up side, I got on my scale tonight, wearing only my t-shirt and undergarments, and it said 127.2. OMG WTF. I am ridiculously happy about this. Also, I tried on a pair of my old size 10 jeans and they fit!! *does a happy dance* I know size 10 probably doesn't seem very small, but compared to a 12 it feels like I'm a million times smaller. 12 is just fucking ridiculous, anyway. Gargantuanely fat. Especially on someone who's only 5'3.5". Size 10 is not small, but at least I'm not quite as GROSS AND FAT as I used to be. Gotta try and keep hold of my eating, though, so that I don't gain anything. I think I will freak the fuck out if I gain much from where I am right now. And by "much" I mean like... more than a pound. But more especially if I gain the pant size back. I DO NOT WANT TO GAIN THAT SIZE BACK.

Crazycrazycrazy.

Today is one of those days when I don't want to be alive. I'm not actively suicidal, per se... I just really don't want to be here.

Only two days left! Huzzah!

I'm going to see a play today with a couple of friends. It's about a gay guy in a concentration camp who falls in love with another gay guy. Fascination with the Holocaust + LBGT themes = a good show, I hope. Has the potential to be profound. Yadda yadda yadda.

And since I have some time now, I guess I'll tell you about the psychological assessment, as I promised I would do before. None of it was very surprising in any way. DSM-wise, it went something like this:

Axis I: Dysthymic Disorder; Identity Problems
Axis II: No diagnosis, but characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder
Axis III: GERD (acid reflux disease) and PCOS (hormone disorder)
Axis IV: I can't remember what this said, if anything. There might have been something there, but if there was it was fairly obvious, so obvious that I didn't take much note of it.
Axis V: This was the Global Assessment Functioning scale. My GAS level was rated as a current 50, but for the past year as a 60.


So, yeah - nothing terribly surprising in that, for me at least. I've known about the dysthymia and borderline crap for a long time. It is interesting to me, though, that neither my ED nor my anxiety received any diagnostic attention. I can only assume that neither, at this point, must seem serious enough to qualify, or something. On the other hand, it was a full report, and the report itself contained some details about the b/ping and my "drive for thinness" (which apparently doesn't mean I have to actively be trying to get thinner - just that I always want to BE thinner). The anxiety was sort of mentioned in with the borderline stuff, and not so much as a separate thing, except for maybe in passing.

Anyway, I have to go check in yet again, so I guess that's all for now. Comments and queries are always welcome! Heh.