I admitted to hospital for a week and a half, reached a breaking point I had hoped not to have to deal with, and as a result of it felt that it was necessary to discharge rather than waste people's time/money when I had gone back into ED mode very strongly. Turns out I didn't actually gain as much weight as I'd feared... though of course if I was fully hydrated the scale would look different, but I was never fully hydrated at home ANYway. Today's weight was 81.5, which puts me at BMI 14 exactly.

I just don't even know what to do or say anymore. I feel so, so disappointed and disheartened by all of this. What is so fucking WRONG with me that I canNOT make this work even when I actually want to????

Today, after two b/ps, barely any fluid compensation, and a 20-hour sleep, I woke up and my weight was 79.4. BMI at my "new" height: 13.6. I know that at least a couple pounds of the "loss" is water weight, but still... I finally reached my goal of under-80. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

However.

This is the status I posted on my Facebook about 2 hours ago, using my mental health filter:

"I might ask my doctor to be admitted, again... I am really, seriously sick of this shit, and I finally hit my hopefully-last "weight" goal and I know it is not good, and I'm deteriorating even more (and, no, I didn't think that was actually possible). Yeah, sure, it's near Christmas, and I still don't have anybody any presents, but the truth is that I don't even care about Christmas this year because I don't care about anything... which is another sign. I just... I need to get better. I need to eat. I need to gain some weight. I need to get ready to go to residential, and have a shot at real, true ED recovery. I NEED these things, and it's time to stop kidding myself and stare it straight in the face. Yes, the gen hosp psych ward is hell, but if it's the only place I can get the help, it's the only place. I just need to be DONE WITH THIS FUCKING MONSTER IN MY HEAD."

I have also at this point sent a 4-minute phone message to my pdoc, in which I read this status aloud to her because otherwise my words would have failed me... telling her I think I want to try another admission. I asked her to call me back as SOON as she got the message, so I know she's actually in and at work (we're having a snowstorm right now, but it's not-quite 4 AM, so by 6 or 7 am the roads and conditions could be clear enough that things will be on the go). I'm not sure if she is required to work even on snow days... a lot of hospital personnel are, including doctors, but since she's the inpatient psychiatrist I'm not sure if it applies to her. She sees everyone who psychiatrically needs it that isn't admitted to the actual psych ward, and I know she's usually very busy in that capacity, but I'm not sure if this is still considered so essential that she has to come in despite what would for ordinary people be a snow day, including bus drivers, etc. It's truly hard to tell. But I'm really, REALLY hoping she IS in today, because I'd like her to personally arrange the admission so that I can get Dr. H as my inpatient psychiatrist if that's at all possible, because she knows the specifics of why I do NOT want to be admitted, EVER, under Dr. M or Dr. D (I have horrible, awful past histories with both of them). If I go in and get vitals, etc, done, and admit myself randomly, I could get any of the doctors and I won't actually have a choice. Last time Dr. C managed to get me admitted under Dr. H despite Dr. H technically not even having any beds inpatient, so my hope is that she can somehow work that magic again so I don't have to deal with a terrible psychiatrist, at the very least.

I'm rambling... but... I want this to happen, yes, and yet part of me of course does not and is terrified and all that garbage. But I know it does NEED to happen, and I have a couple of small plans I will be putting in place so I can't leave as quickly (such as getting one of my immediate family members to take my set of keys home with them). I want there to be deterrents if and/or when I decide I can't handle it again and "need" out... and lack of having a key with me is a significant deterrent. I think I will also give my debit card to my sister and ask her to take out money for the Christmas gifts I won't be able to buy my family if I'm in hospital, so that won't be playing on my mind. And not having the debit card on me will be a massive deterrent, too, because I won't be able to just pay for a cab to go to M House and get my spare key to go home.

Please don't praise me hugely for any of this... that kind of praise is scaring the fuck out of me right now, and lowers whatever bravery threshold I've managed to achieve thus far. Such comments hugely make me want to run and hide and never come out. So yeah. If you're going to praise me, at least be gentle? Or just... do the understanding thing. Understanding always works. :)

Tried to do an ED protocol admission at the mental hospital instead of gen... they wouldn't let me do it because it was my "choice" not to go to the general hospital (so they said), and they only do it in the mental hosp when you are unable to do it in gen hosp. I was actually willing to try this time -- to eat better, to accept increases, to even gain a little weight -- and they just completely shut me down. And they did this after I was assured protocol at the mental hosp WOULD happen. I spent all of last weekend in damn hosp so it could happen, and then I was told it absolutely, 100% would not.

I feel very... disheartened. Discouraged. Definitely quite down also. (What other negative adjectives can I think of that start with D?) I don't even want to see my psychiatrist at this point because it seems like EVERY time I go in lately, literally, I end up in a hospital afterwards. It's fucking ridiculous, and it's hurting far more than it's helping now, and I see no point in it. I did email her and ask her to tell me why I should come, given the circumstances. We had been having a conversation via email anyway, after I wrote her about what they did to me on Monday (said the regular ward or discharge, so when I refused the regular ward I was discharged). I'm sure she'll answer me at some point, but she's always busy, so it'll be when she gets time. She didn't answer my other email this early in the day, so it makes sense that she hasn't answered the new one.

I'm rambling. I gained a pound, apparently... not 100% sure how... but I know I was eating "too much" and continue to eat more calories than I'm at all comfortable with, because I literally feel like I'm going to go insane if I don't eat them. I've been binging and purging more than is normal for me as well. The energy pills that usually keep my appetite locked away don't work so well anymore -- I need an extra pill added to the dose now, and even then I still get hungrier than I did before. And taking 3 of these at once sometimes gives me palpitations, etc, which is just uncomfortable. (No, the other consequences don't worry me as much.) I do worry about really getting going with b/ping again. Ironically, though, the biggest worry is that I'll retain too much of the food and gain weight -- either that or get almost all of it out, only to be ravenous again in half an hour. That happens with fair frequency, especially when I first start b/ping. It fucks with hunger signals later, but when I start... ughhhhh. But I have to do SOMEthing that doesn't involve digesting a good portion of the contents of my cupboard or fridge all at one time.

I dunno what's with me anymore. The cognitive function doesn't seem to have declined much more than it already had, although I'm finding myself caring less about words and editing, so what you read here might not exactly be polished. But is it really cognitive dysfunction if the main reason is because I don't care? Or is it the lack of true energy in my brain that makes me feel like I don't care? Okay, there's definitely a high probability it's the latter. I'll admit it. But, goddamn it, I eat plenty of fucking carbs. You'd think my stupid brain would WORK. But I guess once you hit certain weights your brain and body just run out of shit and what minimum you're taking in ceases to fuel you at all.

Doesn't help that I'm tired. I need to take my night meds and go to bed. Yes, night meds, at 10 AM my time. Sleep cycle's switched around yet again. I'd try to stay up to switch it back but a) I'd probably just fuck it up again, and b) I'm too damn tired to be at that right now. So, after eating a fucking 230-cal Luna bar (this is probably why I'm not losing any fucking weight), I'm going to take the meds and head off to dreamland. At least there I don't have to deal with the insane hunger, don't have to keep myself occupied and non-suicidal, don't have to THINK. I can just sit there and rest, and my brain won't bother me with its business and need to always do something. I just wish I remembered more of my dreams -- when I remember them, I feel like I experience the peace of the sleep for longer.

PS: When they measured me on Monday (and took my weight *pukes*), I was 162.5 cm, instead of the 162 I had thought I was. This means that my height is so close to rounding up to 5'4" (it's like 5'3.97 something) that I might as well call myself 5'4". That makes a difference for the BMIs... but I'm also fascinated that I could possibly be taller. But I think the reason is that I've actually learned how to stand up straight, even though I don't do it very often, and I made sure to stand perfectly straight and upright for this height test. Maybe I was just hiding the extra half-centimeter in my slumping all this time.

81.4 lbs. BMI: 14.1.

I wish I could say I had any motivation to stop this. I wish I could say I would fully care if I died. But neither one would be true.

This is fucking ridiculous.

But if I know that... if I'm so aware of it... why the fuck can't I STOP it?!?!?

86.2 lbs. BMI: 14.9.

Where the fuck is this going to end?

All my bloodwork was completely fine (potassium was even smack in the middle of normal) except for slightly low white blood cells. I've had that happen before at low weights, so I'm not particularly worried about it. Even my pdoc isn't worried, not unless it drops a fair bit lower. But it is a sign, and there's no chance she'll not monitor my bloodwork at least once every 2 weeks or month, now. She is doing my vitals once every 2 weeks anyway, so if I have to get bloodwork equally often, whatever. I don't actually care.

Yesterday my weight was 87.6 lbs. BMI: 15.2. My pdoc told me that under 15 is when the "real" danger starts to set in solely because of weight; she mentioned BMIs like 14 or 14.5 as being possible hospitalization weights. I can't even think about that too much or take it too seriously because if I do I'm going to have an anxiety/terror FIT. If I end up certified for my ED, it's going to be the most fucking nightmarish thing in the world. So I simply will not think about it unless it seems very very likely to happen. I would think that either a bad change in vitals or bad bloodwork would be one of two reasons I'd really go into hospital. Unless I actually am at a weight where she can medically certify me until I reach x BMI. Since she's being sort of vague about the numbers, I can only assume there actually IS a standard certification BMI, but that 14 isn't actually it. She was supposed to show me the medical instability criteria last session and she did not, so hopefully next time she'll remember to bring it, so then I can know what's coming if it happens. Even if it scares the shit out of me, I'd rather know than not know.

So tonight I’m afraid that tomorrow my pdoc will call back saying she thinks it’s a good idea for me to go to the ER and get checked out (orthostatic vitals, bloodwork, etc). The problem is that we know I already have orthostatic tachycardia, and she suspects my blood sugar is low, and she talked today about how she sees signs of cognitive impairment (which interferes with my ability to fully engage in therapy). I’m not sure how low the sugar is, but the cognitive impairment is accurate -- she said (and I could see) that my thought processes and speech were slower, I wasn't as sharp-minded or sharp-tongued (lol), my focus and concentration were off, and that I was forgetting things, which I hadn't previously done. And my bloodwork was fine when I was admitted to short stay before I went on protocol, and I did eat much better for that week, but lately I've been having leg/body cramps and other random, odd symptoms, like short lasting bouts of vertigo, or what I would call "muted" brain zaps. Most of the time, though, I don’t even get symptomatic when my lites or sugars are low except that I feel tired, so there’s no actual way to tell if I'm low in anything without the tests.

However, my pdoc also gave me a slip for bloodwork. So I could go get that done, then... what, wait several days for her to get the results? If she thinks I might be bad enough to end up admitted to the ER or even medical, should I wait that long? But I’m not trusting my own memory of what went down in the session, now... hence why I called her and left a message asking her to phone me when she got it. I need to be sure that I won’t be going in for no reason, the doctors won’t laugh their asses off because my being there is so ridiculous, etc etc.

If I do go I’ll make sure to go during the morning/afternoon, before Halloween truly gets to a full start, because Lord knows the ER is going to get filled up tomorrow night from people having accidents or just doing stupid-ass shit because it’s Halloween. Halloween isn’t one of those holidays (like Easter or Christmas) where people try their best not to go into a hospital; it’s more like Paddy’s Day in that people party and celebrate and are more, not less, likely to get hurt and need the ER.

I guess at this point I just feel this whole thing is ridiculous... like, do I really need to be on a damned medical ward just because I get tachycardic when I stand up? But then again, when I think about my physical state atm, I know I don’t feel “right”. Standing or walking for any length of time makes me feel quite weak and not-okay, and as such I really can't do a lot of walking... so, basically, the ED is also now causing some impairment of mobility on top of everything else. Yet I still don’t feel like I would in any way qualify for a medical admission. The pdoc on the psych ward didn’t pay any attention to me suddenly getting orthostatic tachycardia in my last couple of days there; he let me go after about three questions when I asked to be discharged. But, then, this is the doctor who’s discharged me from psych assessment when I was actively suicidal. How good can HIS judgment be?

I just don’t know. I’m so confused and scared and my head isn’t working right and idefk.


PS: My scale yesterday said 88.3 lbs... but today it was also 88.3 lbs, so now I don't even feel good enough for hospital ANYway because I didn't even lose any fucking weight yesterday, so what good of an anorexic am I? But I'm not nearly so hungry today, or at least it's somehow in check, so I'm hoping that might help compensate a bit....

I am still around... well, not so much on [site], obviously, but I am at least alive. I just spent almost two weeks in the hospital (psych wards) but only spent not quite one week on ED protocol -- and since I was voluntary and it was made clear to me that I could leave at any time, on the day the shit truly hit the fan in my head... I left. I just couldn't cope with it anymore.

Here's something I wrote just before I logged in.


++++++++++


So “this morning” when I weighed (I woke up at like 3 PM, but okay), the scale said that I was 90.6 lbs. I did not, of course, believe it. It was jumping around more so than a scale really should, though all within the 90 lbs slot (90.4, 90.6, 90.9), so I picked the number that it showed the most near the end. But, really, I’m starting to think the battery is truly gone. I have a new battery that I will put into it before I go to bed shortly, and I’ll do my weight again tomorrow... it shouldn’t have increased any, at least, so hopefully I’ll know it with 100% certainty.

If that WAS actually the right weight, though... it would qualify as my lowest weight ever. Until now, I had never gotten below 90.9. (I discounted that as an actual possibility because I only saw that number 1 time out of at least 5 or 6.) I think I’m supposed to feel pride, or triumph, or something, but I really just feel mostly blank. A nod to myself — “Good, you didn’t gain in the hospital, actually you lost, how awesome is that?” — and then back to blank. Because there is always, always the knowledge that you still have more left to lose. That you have to keep losing and losing until either you die or someone stops you, because you tried as hard as you could, but you simply could not stop yourself.

I’m on a downhill train with no brakes, waiting to reach the end of the railway... I have no concept of where that path might go, and the window blinds do not open, and it’s entirely possible that the train may suddenly turn too sharply and if it did I would crash and roll off into Neverland, irretrievable, an exploded carcass amid a melting ton of coal and steel

I weighed 95 a couple days ago.

Everything sucks fucking ass, and I really hate my life. I slept all through Thursday (deliberately; took another dose of sleep meds when I woke up) and am grumpy about being awake even now. I would love to be able to constantly sleep through everything but I just can't. Maybe every other day or every few days, but not all the time. So for now I'm suffering it out. And that sounds so stupid, because I don't really have many demands on me and I've got "fun" things so why should I be "suffering" just from being awake? But I'm so fucking apathetic that almost none of these things is actually fun anymore, and I'm tired and cranky and just basically feel like dung, and I DO NOT WANT TO BE AWAKE.

Fuck everything.

96.1. BMI: 16.6. Ho hum blah blah. Just another day, another weight, another small percentage by which I'm shrinking. I wish the weight loss made a difference. It doesn't.

96.5 lbs. BMI: 16.7. It's truly odd, and interesting, how little I actually care. I'm glad to be losing weight again, yes, but the actual number doesn't matter. I just have to lose and lose and lose. It's already pretty low, and I already think my body is too skinny, but I have to keep losing. It doesn't matter about anything else in life -- it can go on, or it can not, but I HAVE to lose weight, whether sooner or later. And I absolutely cannot do anything that I know would cause me to gain weight, and minimize weight-maintenance behaviors to a bare minimum. That's just it. That's all my life really is right now, at its essence.

I'm helping with a political campaign, and I have a sponsor child, and getting portraits done today at 5 as part of me and my sister's gift to our parents for their 30th anniversary... but absolutely NONE of that would matter if I wasn't losing weight. For that matter, if it all disappeared tomorrow, it wouldn't be so much a disappointment as, "Oh, I have to find some other way to distract myself now", despite how much enjoyment or satisfaction I may get out of these other pursuits. The weight loss is actually the only thing that truly matters, aside from maybe the political campaign. And that is truly, pathetically SAD.

Binged. Purged. I feel GOOD right now. Actually good, unlike I feel most of the day. More relaxed, and more... high, I suppose. Maybe my blood sugar's going down, idek. But I feel so much better and so much more free. I finally realized afresh that binging and purging will let me eat EVERYTHING I've wanted without absorbing much, if any, of the calories.

This is probably dangerous. Since I'm already restricting, any b/ping will be on top of that. But I think this is the point at which I'm going to become a b/p "anorexic" instead of just restricting as I've been doing... I'm getting too hungry, and the cravings for food are too insatiable. I want more than I've been eating, and I can't get it unless I b/p. So there's a really good chance that this is exactly what I will be doing.

PS: My weight is 97.6. BMI 16.9. Whoop de fucking dee.

Yesterday my weight was 98 lbs. BMI: 17. Solidly underweight. And yet I don't care, because I'm nowhere near where I need to be, and this body is still fat fat fat, and this is literally embedded into my brain now instead of being any kind of "other" voice or force... yet it still doesn't feel like me, precisely.

It's very very hard to describe how I see or interpret this thing in my head. There's nothing I can do to verbally challenge it, because it's not a voice. There's nothing I can do to attack it of itself, because it's not really a separate thing. It's IN me. It's a strange no-real-color nothingness that yet is somehow inside me, and it has complete control over my head. The closest it comes to any other disorder is OCD. I do not have a choice: I HAVE to do what I'm doing. Anything else is completely and absolutely unacceptable, and hardly crosses my mind as a serious possibility anyway. It's not a possibility because it's just not.

I can't describe it any better than that. I wish I could. I do feel that some brain switch has flipped now, or more likely many switches, and suddenly shifted my head into some different and strange kind of mode that I've never experienced before. I don't know how to feel about that... but it doesn't even matter how I feel about it, because it happened and now it's there. And that's it.

I'm going to the walk-in clinic today because I'm feeling a significant, hard thing where my transverse colon would be located in my body. I haven't taken a natural poo in probably at least a week and a half, maybe more... and when I did take a dose of Ex-Lax (a safe dose, for once in my life), all that came out was what was in the descending colon. Which is fine, and I'm glad it came out, but I'm worried about that big hard-feeling thing above it. I'm worried that maybe I have some sort of impaction and it's not GOING to move. So walk-in clinic it is for me... and I hope to God they don't test my sugars or something, because I doubt my sugars will be great, unless I manage to get a coffee in before. Hopefully if they did check my vitals they'd at least be acceptably normal.

These are the sorts of things I worry about lately. Hoping to God to stay out of the hospital as long as possible. Realizing that I won't be out forever because I'm bad at hydrating, I don't get nearly enough electrolytes, and now all these bowel issues on top of it. Realizing that if my weight keeps dropping and dropping, eventually I won't have a choice anymore, and I'll be certified in. It's all really fucking scary and I'm just trying to stay out of the damn hospital as much as is humanly possible. I mean, who actually likes the hospital? Not most people, anyway. And I'm sick of ERs and drips and paramedics and sugar boluses and being attached to heart monitors and being stitched up and all the rest of this fucking nonsense. I WANT OUT. But it's only a matter of time before I end up back in. And that is very, VERY disconcerting, to say the least.

Weight today: 98.9. BMI: 17.1. I'm starting to get down there, but I have a ways to go before I'm even close to what I want. And after that, I'm not sure I could even stop, anyway. The vice grip on my brain is too tight and this is literally all-controlling of my food decisions. I don't even feel like someone else is in there... just that something was put in my head, like some chemicals changed around or something. It's not ME, but it's not some separate "voice" whispering either. It's not "anorexia" and then "me". It's me, and a vice grip. I can't explain it any other way.

Today I was 101.9. BMI: 17.6. At least I’m decently into the underweight category. I don’t qualify for anorexia by the ICD, but it’s quite possible that I qualify as anorexia under the DSM-V at this point... either that or atypical anorexia. I barely purge; I just take energy pills to keep myself from feeling as hungry. I don’t want to purge and I certainly DON’T want to binge. It’s very strange to me that I’m able to just... not eat, but apparently I am. I’m pretty sure that’s only because of the pills, though. But I'll use whatever method is necessary to prevent me needing to b/p constantly.

Saw pdoc today... she gave me some ideas for keeping electrolytes and fluids a bit better that aren’t too many cals, so I’m grateful for that. I don’t want to end up in the fucking hospital again. I hate the hospital. (But, really, what rational being likes the hospital?) I hate it especially when it comes to medical shit due to ED, though. There’s always the chance that this will be THE time that you don’t actually stabilize enough and they send you to the psych ward (voluntarily or not)... and if that happened, I’d be put on a protocol for the ED and either have to eat, or have a tube forced on me. I’m terribly, terribly afraid of that. This is why I want to avoid the hospital. I’m terrified it will happen someday when I’m unawares, and I’ll just have a complete fucking meltdown and, whoops, there goes the last strand of my sanity. That is not what I would consider a good outcome. (Understatement.)

I don’t want to die doing this... I want to lose weight. I want to lose every pound that I can lose. And I don’t really have a choice anyway — my brain is so far gone that even if I wanted to fight the weight loss and the restrictive mind, I wouldn’t be able to. If I landed on a ward right now for ED they’d have to force feed me, and I’m sure I’d be extraordinarily upset the whole time. I simply cannot handle the calories right now, let alone taking them into my body VOLUNTARILY. The thought is disgusting and repulsive to me, because I feel disgusting and repulsive because I’m still nowhere near my lw, let alone where I want to go. Having any sort of complications at this stage to me would be absolutely and utterly ridiculous because I’m still too fat to have anorexia consequences. I know that logically this is stupid, but... ED brain is absolutely convinced. And ED brain is steering this ship at the moment.

My next challenge: to get through the next 4-6 weeks without my pdoc available at all. I have made plans with her: Going to see my M House counselor in the interim, getting bloodwork done in another week or two (to make sure electrolytes aren’t bottoming out, basically) and seeing a doctor for the results; and, well, that’s it, really, but the medical and psychological aspects will be covered, albeit not as well as I’d have liked. But she can’t help that she needs surgery and I can’t help that she’s going, so all I can do is try to cope the best I can, you know? It’s not exactly going to be the easiest thing in the world, but I’ll have to handle it because... I have to. I don’t have a choice.

Oh, yeah, and she’s also going to call my completely paranoid self after she has the surgery to tell me she had the surgery and she’s still alive. I’m always scared for people when they go into surgeries because there’s always the small chance the surgery will go wrong, no matter what surgery it is. The fact that she is actually willing to call me, and I know she’ll do so, makes me feel much better about it. Once I know it’s done and she’s still alive, it will be like, “Okay, there really isn’t much danger anymore, and she really will come back.” Which, apparently, I need to know rather desperately. Then again, everything I need feels desperate lately... *sigh*

103.8. How the FUCK did I gain to ONE OH THREE point FUCKING EIGHT????

Coffee and diet soda today. Nothing else. The creamer will be my calories. Fuck it all.

I hate ED... I hate my weight... I hate my life.

Written yesterday:


So tonight I had to go to the ER because my heart was racing a bazillion miles a minute and when I drank a bit of fluid, I almost threw it up... yeah. Had to have two bags of fluid as well as a REALLY FUCKING PAINFUL sugar bolus right into my IV, because my sugar was at 2.8 (not the American blood sugar scale, btw). This is, literally, the first time I’ve ever had to call 911 solely because of ED, although I’ve been dehydrated AND had low sugars before.

Tonight should have scared me more, I think... but it really doesn’t, because there’s not a thing in the world I can do to stop this if it’s going to happen. I mean, I can’t stop the behaviors on my own, so obviously whatever consequences come from those aren’t going to be just automatically stopped, either. I’ve been poked, prodded, and warned, but ED is just in the driver’s seat and I am the passenger, and when it’s not that way I can’t deal with anything. So... whatever’s going to happen will happen, I guess.


**********


Today, well, I still feel stable. Medically, you know. I kind of overate a bit yesterday (to me) because I guess I had gotten sort of scared by the blood-sugar-me-unable-to-get-off-kitchen-floor thing. But today... I am planning to eat what I normally eat (which I was told by the medical people is most definitely not enough -- as if I didn't already know that). And I'm planning to take my energy pills, although I was told point-blank by medical that I shouldn't take them anymore.

What fucking difference does it really make? If I get dehydrated again I can go back to the ER. They can't do sh!t to me in there anyway unless something else that doesn't have a quick fix is wrong. Hydration, sugars, they can fix that in an ER stay. I'm not so worried about it. I can't have the wolf in my stomach all day, and the energy pills are the only things that tranquilize it (mostly), so I will take them. I don't see another way, unless it was to give up ED, but I just CAN'T do that right now. I am incapable of doing it on my own. ED is too loud and too huge in my head to not listen to it. I can't fight it the way people want me to. I just can't. So there's no point in even trying.

102.2 lbs. BMI: 17.7. I was dehydrated this morning -- but that's usually the case in the mornings. Yesterday I was "too" hydrated which is why I didn't lose anything at weigh-in yesterday. But today I figured I would... and once I recalibrated my stupid-ass scale, I had about a pound gone. Almost a pound. Whatever. I'm down another BMI point so I'm okay enough with it.

I'm at the point now where what I want to do is just... go on like 100-200 cals a day. So my coffee and MAYBE one other thing. My true preference would be to just have the coffee and nothing else (the creamer comes to at least 70-80 cals for my coffee), but I'm not sure I can handle that yet at nights... so maybe just the coffee for the day, and then something small, like a Greek yogurt, before bed. That would work out okay, I think. I think I think I think.

You can't tell the eating disorder has gotten bad at ALL. Noooooooo. Never.

Written yesterday


103 lbs. BMI: 17.8. Finally in the 17s. Of course, if I'm not careful, it'll go right back up. But being careful doesn't seem to be so much of a challenge these days — that is, if I can accept feeling tired and fairly miserable all the time, and waking up with cramps in my legs. Which I can. I can handle that just fine. My bones don’t hurt on the bed or when pressed together yet, so that’s something. I’m not sleeping most of the day… although, to be honest, I wish I could.

I also got bloodwork done a week and a half ago, and when I and my psychiatrist looked at it during my appointment yesterday, everything was normal, including my ferretin (which was, a few months ago, at 5, and is now 30 something — normal is 11+). So I’m like, "Dude, my body's totally fucking fine! It doesn’t matter if I feel tired or sick because it doesn’t mean I’m anemic!" And I know my head will totally run with that.

However, my pdoc did actually do my vitals (sitting and standing). She said something about how she works with cancer patients, etc (she’s an inpatient psychiatrist for basically whoever needs to see a psychiatrist, regardless of unit), and so she had some things that other psychiatrists didn't. I thought it was good that she did that, but also strange. Mostly because I've NEVER had a psychiatrist who even had a stethoscope in their office, never mind a blood pressure cuff and a pump! I have a feeling she may check my vitals either every time I see her or every other week... especially because my BP was low-normal (I think she said 110/80) and my heartbeat sitting was 104. It went down to high 90s when I stood, though, and it's usually the opposite way around when you stand, and my orthostatic BP wasn’t much different either. So I'm 'okay' for now but not really okay. If that makes sense.

I looked toward the back of the clinic where I’d never been before as I was walking out from my appointment (which was therapy and not just vitals, etc) and noted that there was a scale, saying, "Oh, there IS a scale. I always figured there was one here somewhere; I just didn’t know where." She kind of smiled and said "I’m not weighing you". I said "I know"... but she then said "There may come a point at which I do weigh you, though." There was nothing I could say to that because I knew exactly why such a time might come, and I couldn't argue about it because that would be pointless. It IS kind of reassuring to know I probably won't die if she's keeping an eye on me. Note the word probably.

I can't lie, though… if/when I do start to get weighed, it's going to scare me shitless. I know I will be tempted to waterload and/or put weights under clothes, etc. Because I know that if I go under a certain BMI I can be certified into hospital, and I do NOT want that to happen. I mean, maybe if the time came I would feel differently, but at the moment, being certified and forced to gain weight is one of the worst things I could possibly imagine. That fear tends to increase as I lose weight, not decrease, so... *sigh*

Anyway, I'm rambling and this is stupid, so I'll end it. All I know is that a) I’m not medically unstable, b) My appointment frequency is going to be increased when my pdoc can possibly do it, and c) I don’t think I'm going to be able to stop this without some sort of intervention. The ED is already making me more depressed and stuff, on top of the physical aches and pains, so honestly I think it's just a matter of time before I totally lose my shit and end up suicidal anyway... but then again, maybe not. I am trying my absolute BEST not to let that happen, because that's how I ended up on protocol last time. I DO NOT WANT TO BE ON PROTOCOL AGAIN. Chances are pretty good I'd refuse it, anyway, and either end up dead or on a tube... neither of which would be fun... aaaaaagh. Why do I torture myself thinking about shit that's never happened to me and would take a long time to happen even now?

Apparently I stop and start this shit on a fucking dime.

106.2. Can't take anymore weight gain. Back to restriction. I just hope I have the fucking willpower this time. Of course, I will probably make myself do it whether or not I want to, or "have the willpower", so (hopefully) that part is totally irrelevant.

I CANNOT GET FUCKING FAT AGAIN. I'VE SPENT TOO MUCH TIME FAT. THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE.

Well, I got down to about 104. Then I started binging at nights. Then, on the third day (two nights of binging), I think my head... I dunno, started to clear a little?

I realized: I don't want ED. And I do I want to eat.

And those sound like powerful thoughts, and they are, in a way. I'm letting myself eat. In meals and snacks, and trying to have relatively healthy stuff if I can. On the other hand, ED is like, "Fine, okay, you can eat now, and maybe for a little while longer, but then you might have to stop again."

Fact of the matter is, I don't want to be as big as I was before. I don't want to get past 110 ever again. In fact I'd prefer to maintain somewhere around this weight, or at least, if I have to do a gain/lose cycle, to start the lose cycle before 110 or just as I hit 110, and then to lose to at least low 100s, and cycle back if necessary. If I HAVE to binge, if I HAVE to fucking cycle around, I want to plan it, and have more control over it.

So it's like I'm throwing the wants-to-eat part a bone... but not too big a bone. Not a bone too unmanageable for the ED to deal with. I feel like in order to stay at all stable I have to do this.

I have my next appointment with my psychiatrist on August 1st. I was supposed to have been seeing her every two weeks, but then I got into a phase where I wanted zero to do with "therapizing", as I call it, and then when I finally did make an appointment I missed it because I thought it was on Thursday when it was on Tuesday. I know this one is actually on a Thursday, and the date is burned into my brain, so I won't miss this one, at least. But I also know I don't have to be therapized if I don't want to, and I know how to not let her in if I don't want her there. So, I guess, I've figured out how to control that too.

I mean, I want to be honest with her. I do. But part of the honesty would be that, if I didn't want to discuss something, I would tell her "I don't want to talk about that". Or talk about the not wanting therapy anything, if I felt that way. Honesty, for me, is in the moment. And if I tell her I don't want to talk about something, she knows there's more to it, but it's also TRUE that I don't want to talk about it. You know? I don't feel like I'm lying in saying that. It's more of a lie to force the words out when I'm not okay with it. That's how it feels, anyway.

I guess what happens happens. In the meantime, I have almost a week to kill. The heat (really the humidex) is insane, and threatens to stifle me at every turn, and I'm so BORED and I can't find anything to occupy my time in such a way that I feel fulfilled. I'm slightly depressed, still, but I'm also completely restless. I want everything to CHANGE, NOW, but I haven't got the means to do that unless I do something ridiculously self-destructive, and I don't want to do that. In the end, it won't fill up the hole inside me -- it will just be another distraction.

I don't want more goddamned distractions. I want answers, and I want the truth, and I want all this stupid disorder shit OUT OF ME.


PS: *resiprog* isn't going to happen. I got through part 1 of the application process and realized that this is a VERY Protestant organization (non-denominational apparently means non-denomination Protestant), and even just listening to the two lectures I heard in one day was completely overwhelming. There's no way I could go there and listen to two lectures a day, plus daily prayer and/or Bible study, plus groups, plus meals, plus chores... yeah, you can see why that would probably make me go UTTERLY INSANE. And I am NOT going to be indoctrinated into a religion that isn't Catholicism. So sorry, but no.

Relapse. Again. This time I made it up to about 111. Currently at 107.7, which is a BMI of 18.6. This is apparently now underweight for my age and height. I just turned 27, and with each year up you enter, the higher the BMI that says underweight for you. I know that any ED clinic would look at my BMI and think I was on the cusp, not actually underweight. So whatever. I don't consider myself underweight by any means... definitely not until I get under BMI 18. So fuck it.

I just couldn't handle the feelings that came up... yet again... around that 110-112 weight. It always happens, and I am always completely unable to face it alone (which is what always happens because I have nobody I can call for crisis that I have actually worked with in the last year or two), and so I always, always turn back to ED.

On the positive side (I think/ED doesn't think), I applied for the *resiprog* program in the country, a free, Christian, residential program in *place*. I have to call them sometime today and see how to get them the records they want... the last 2 years of my history from anyone who's been a treatment provider, including hospitals, etc. I was embarrassed by how many treatment providers and facilities I've actually had in those last 2 years. I guess what I'm going to have to do is sign a release of info and fax it to them, which they will then fax to the places to get the info. I hope that's what will happen, anyway, because I really cannot go to at least 5-6 different people and hospitals, including psychiatrists who no longer provide me care, to ask for records. Too many people I'd have to speak with; too much red tape. I can't even fathom it. If they can't help me with this part, the application simply will not get done. And this is only part ONE of the process. If I get approved after this, I have to go get a full physical including STD tests (no idea why they want that, but I don't have them, so I don't care), send them a self-written medical history, etc. After THAT I think there's an hour long phone interview... so yeah. It's going to be a lengthy process, so whatever I can do to speed it up is probably a good thing.

I know a lot of you may have heard very bad things about *resiprog*, because it's true that a lot of horrible shit went on in many of the other locations, but I've been talking to a girl who went to the program in our country and she said that all these horrible things basically are not happening in *mycountry*. They still have rules that will be hard to deal with -- for one thing, there is no TV, internet, or cell phones, and the only music you can bring is Christian music -- but at least they're not going to try to do exorcisms on me, condemn me for being gay/queer, try to indoctrinate me into some sort of weird cult-like system, etc. I honestly have too much spirit and intelligence to allow that shit to happen, anyway. As a Catholic, as well, I'm sure I will be asking a LOT of questions about theology that they're not necessarily used to. Catholics can spend lifetimes just trying to interpret scripture, whereas Protestants, fundamentalists, etc just take the Bible literally and don't do interpretation. I'm not sure what kind of Bible studies I'm going to run into there, but I know what Catholicism stands for in these matters and they will not be turning me into a non-Catholic. This is just what I AM, and they'll have to accept that. Questioning is in my nature, anyway, which is one reason I am Catholic rather than another denomination. I'm the weird kind of Catholic, meaning that I'm a liberal Catholic (I am still pro gay rights, pro choice, etc), but I'm also still Catholic and I come from a Catholic perspective where the Bible is concerned. So I'm sure that will play a part, as not everyone there will be Catholic and I have no idea what sort of denominations the program people might come from. I just have to be careful where Bible studies lead me.

Anyway, that's loads for this update... sorry if I bored you all with this stuff about Catholicism (I realize a lot of you believe in other stuff or are not spiritual). It's all new to me, to be honest. I only realized that I believed in God in later June, and shortly thereafter realized I was a Christian. It wasn't so long ago that I realized that the only church that seemed to suit me was the Catholic church. And, again, I am a liberal Catholic/Christian... I have some fairly radical beliefs, such as that anyone who believes in any kind of god or goddess is my sibling in God, and that I respect your religion no matter what it is. I will certainly never try to convince anybody out of their own religions. It is actually Papal doctrine that Catholics are not to force anybody into becoming a Catholic; but it's more than that for me. I would never force anything on anyone, period. I believe in freedom of choice, no matter what the choice, as long as you're not hurting others or taking away their rights with your choices. Hence why I am Catholic, pro gay rights, pro choice, and accepting of other religions. It doesn't hurt ME if others do what makes them happy.

Okay. I think I've rambled enough. Try to get some more coffee down, and take my last morning pill...

FINALLY out of the fucking 109s. Okay, so I'm only 0.1 lbs out of the 109s, but that's better than always being at 109.2 or greater! I'm really really hoping this downward trend just keeps on going and going.

I started making plans for a tattoo consultation before I realized paying for a tattoo may interfere with my ability to pay for things I want for ED. I really should be past the point where I would even consider putting ED above something I really really want, but apparently I'm right back there again. It's funny how your mindset can be different for such a long-ass time and then suddenly... it's as if it never left you. But, more than that, this time I seem to be willing to do anything to appease it, and try to be a "good girl" by not binging or purging. I do NOT want to purge! The idea of it right now is completely disgusting to me. I envision vomit coming out of my mouth and it's just... ugh. I mean, if it has to come to that eventually then so be it, but I'm hoping that with some of the measures I'm taking, MAYBE this time I can NOT become a binge/purge restrictor. I would really really love that.

Hopefully I can find some way to afford the tattoo within a month AND get the stuff I want. I think it may be possible. We'll just have to wait and see.

Weight loss weight loss weight loss.

ED is back.

Weight has been in the 109s for like an ETERNITY now. At least 5-6 days. I can't fucking stand it anymore. I'm doing a coffee and 0-calorie liquids fast until it starts fucking coming off, because I CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE.

I've also started something I would never have done before, in a bid to actually keep having energy while I am restricting and anemic at the same time. Because I got bloodwork done, then ended up in the hospital for suicidality that weekend and... turns out I once again have iron-deficiency anemia. My ferritin was like 7, and my hemoglobin was low. Apparently they know for sure that it's diet-related because the bloodwork says my iron binding capacity is actually high. Which I'm glad for, because at least the iron supplements should work well. Apparently my hemoglobin was also low in DECEMBER, the last time I was hospitalized, but nobody bothered to fucking tell me. I'm livid about that. So I've basically been anemic for four entire months and the motherfuckers didn't bother to tell me back when it would have helped me more! I wouldn't have had to go through all this shit with being so tired, losing my skin color, etc etc etc. So, yeah, I'm mad. Isn't there a fucking REASON they do bloodwork in the first place!? Ugh. Just fuck them.

Anyway, I am treating the anemia as "prescribed" by the nurse practitioner and pdoc I saw while in hospital, and as I have at least two months' worth of iron pills still in my house, I didn't need a prescription. So there's that. I usually allow myself half a cup of juice to go with it, so I can supplement the iron with vitamin C. So that, coffee, and 0-cal drinks will be my entire intake. FUCK FOOD until I lose the goddamned weight I want to lose so fucking badly.

PS: Did I mention I basically hate everything? Then again, don't I hate everything most of the time anyway? Whatever.

At a normal weight. BMI: 19 or maybe a little above. I haven't managed to gain to a weight this "big" for about two years, so it's interesting. Equally interesting, but less good, is the fact that I've now managed to give myself abdominal obesity, and my body fat percentage is such that I come pretty close to qualifying for obesity in body fat as well. ED had a lovely little many-days-long freakout over this, convinced me I needed to lose weight -- even had me restricting again. But I figured something else out that I'm going to try.

I'm sure most or all of you have heard of the glycemic index (GI) -- for those who may not know, this is an index based on how much a food, condiment, etc will raise your blood sugar upon consumption. High GI foods include things like white carbs, sugar, regular soda, candy, etc. The idea of following a "GI diet" is to choose foods that are lower on the GI (low or moderate, instead of high) so that your blood sugars remain more stable, and you also feel fuller for longer. Protein basically doesn't have a GI unless it is plant-based, and vegetables have very low GIs. Some fruits have relatively low, or moderate, GIs also.

This diet was originally put forth more for diabetics than anybody else, but I find that when I generally apply the principles of GI to my life, I feel a lot better and I don't gain weight in the same ways, or I maintain more easily. For me, it means going from a diet of mostly junk food to actually making sure I have properly-portioned 3 squares, and a snack or two if I need it. It means I will be trying some different breads, or at minimum sticking to whole wheat or multigrain (either is much lower than white on the GI); I'll be making sure I get in my proper protein every day; I'll be trying to buy more veg and lower-GI fruits, and NOT buy much, if any, junk food (maybe as a once-a-day thing after I've finished my meal... if you eat junk after a meal it automatically lowers the rate at which that sugar enters your bloodstream). I feel it is appropriate to do this because a) I have a very high tendency to get sugar-addicted, and b) at least three of my dad's sisters are diabetic (two insulin-dependent) and my grandmother was, too, meaning diabetes is something in my genetics that I could easily inherit. Given my apple shape, and my hormone disorder PCOS, a disorder that correlates highly with diabetes, diabetes is even more of a concern, and highly likely to occur if I don't eat reasonably now. So I'm going to go back to following the GI as much as possible, though I'm not going to deny myself a treat now and again. (Hell, I just had a cafe mocha with breakfast, and hot chocolate is nowhere near low GI.)

I need to do this for my health, not just because I am abdominally obese or because my BF % is probably higher than it needs to be. I know that I need to start exercising as well, because I always feel better when I exercise, and I also really need to build up better muscle strength, particularly if I intend to get better at archery. I still can't pull back my recurve (bow) all the way and hold it there without shaking & significant muscle burn, and the draw is 25lbs MAX. (If you don't know much about archery, that is a standard beginner's draw, and pretty light compared to non-beginner and competition bow standards.) What I really want to do is swim... but this requires me to go buy, say, one of those 10-swim passes, which I don't currently have the money for (although I will tomorrow!). The problem is that if I have the money for exercise, bills, and my sponsor child, I don't have the money to actually eat. Oops.

However, I'm hoping to get a full-time job sometime near the end of May, a job I think I can actually handle (I recently had a stint at *fastfoodplace* but had to quit because I had a freakout and it took me like a week to get over it). If I get such a job, I will be able to afford all that I need PLUS save money for my desperately-desired trip to R. But I think I need to take a bit more time for me at this particular point in time... and my parents always fill in the food gaps if I have any. All I can do at this point is just make sure that whatever food I do buy is on sale, and is generally healthy. More fruit if I can, more veg (haven't been eating any), no fries and junk and general crap. If I cut out the junk and fries and stuff, that's probably at least 10-15 extra dollars right there. Which could go towards veg and such. Though I may have to use the white pasta and brown rice in my cupboard (both high GI), but at least I can pair it with high-protein foods and then also have dairy with it (which without added sugar is relatively low GI, at least if it comes from a cow).

I'm also working on adding some non-vegetarian things back into my diet... which will sound really f*cking stupid, given that I'm an ethical vegetarian, unless I tell you why. You see, when I go to R, I will have to eat meat. If I don't, my protein will be almost non-existent. The people I'll be staying with only have one rooster a week, and then eggs sometimes. This, as you can gather, isn't even adequate protein for a normal person, let alone minus the meat. So if I want protein, meat is going to have to happen there. They live in a very poor rural part of the country, and it's a poor country ANYway, so protein is a rare and valued commodity. In fact, I am actually looking into buying a compound bow, one of those funny bows with wheels and three strings and gadgetry, so I can hunt when I'm there. It's a skill that none of the girls have, but if I can get my hands on the bow and a sight and practice a lot, it will be a skill that I'll have, and it has the potential to help them out a lot.

My bigger problem will be finding the places that have game the girls (and my friend) are willing to eat. For example, would my friend eat rodent (like mouse or shrew)? Would the Rwandan girls eat that? I'm sure any of them would eat bird, rabbit, or wild hog. But I would love to be able to hunt bigger game, particularly the several types of deer/moose equivalent they have over there, and if I'm to do that and actually take an animal down with a bow and arrows, it needs to be a compound bow. Compounds shoot with much more force for much less drawback, and are a lot easier to aim. They are definitely the ideal hunting bow. You would need a 60, 70, 80lbs draw on a recurve to even come close to killing deer; on a compound your draw will be 50 or 60 and it will work, plus when you actually pull it back it will feel way lighter than that. I practiced with an 11lbs draw compound (a Lil Banshee youth compound) and it shot with the same force as my 25lbs recurve, but felt much lighter to pull back (and requires no constant force to keep back once drawn). So a 50 or 60lbs draw on a compound is probably going to feel more like 35-40lbs on a recurve, but it will have the force of an 80-100lbs recurve, which is the sort of force you need to hunt large game like a deer or moose equivalent.

And, yes, I've checked extinction statuses, etc... almost all of them are low-level status, meaning there are plenty of them. So assuming it's legal to hunt there (I'm guessing it is, or nobody's really going to pay that much attention if it's not), and presuming I can find a decent hunting spot or two, there is definite potential to get much more protein on the table for all of us. Which would be great for all our health. It is also a skill that's possibly marketable, if at some point I decided I wanted to stay. Of course, I'd have to learn how to gut, clean, and slice all the meat (which I kind of shiver at the thought of), as well as how to remove a hide so it's whole and sellable, but I have to be able to CATCH the game first. So the starting step is to get the compound bow with a sight, and learn to shoot well with it.

I'm guessing I can recruit a man, or a few, to hunt with me, which I'll probably need for protection and assistance (if we have to bring back heavy loads) regardless. Because while the wilderness may be full of game, there are also a lot of animals in R that would really like to eat a human -- all sorts of big cats, for example. And then there are monsters like rhinos and hippos that you just want to avoid because, well, if they trample you you're dead, and a bow probably isn't going to penetrate such a thick animal. The bigger problem is that I'm pretty sure all these animals are high on the extinction list and therefore not supposed to be killed... but, frankly, if I'm being chased down by a leopard or tiger somewhere, and it won't leave me alone, I'm going to HAVE to kill it. I don't know... maybe I can let the men have the skin and keep most of the meat in a case like that. I certainly wouldn't want to be wandering around trying to sell an illegal animal pelt.

Anyway, I guess this really went off topic, but... I am going to try to start eating things with gelatin in them. Like "regular" yogurts (non-organic ones). Even this is really difficult for me -- I've been avoiding doing it, been buying my same old organic yogurts -- but there would be a major cost difference if I ate regular yogurt (those actually go on sale, whereas the organic rarely does, and even then it's never much of a sale), and it would get me back into at least eating dead animal products, which would hopefully mean I wouldn't get violently ill the first time I ate meat (chicken or something white, because eating beef or pork your first time after a long time meatless can make you sick as a dog no matter what you've been doing). I don't want to do this preparation, but I feel like for my body to have to best chance, I need to do it. So on my next grocery list goes... gelatin yogurt. Ughhhhh.

I've written enough for one entry! I hope you guys are all doing well. Love you all.