Hello I am |
adult, alien, artsy, big sister, blonde, butch-liking, caring, cat lover, chapstick lesbian, child, complex, confused, cousin, curious, cute, daughter, different, dreamer, dyke, eclectic, family-closeted, female, female-born, femme-ish, femme-liking, friendly, gay, genetic woman, girl, girl lover, hypo-sexual, intelligent, introvert, LGBTQ, lesbian, lesbo, lezzy, little sister, Ms., me, monogamist, multifacetted, nerd, not sure of myself, odd, out-ish, passionate, passive, philosopher, pro-choice, pro-gay, progressive, quiz whore, right-brained, sensitive, sexless, she-geek, suicidal, survivor, treehugger, trustworthy, virgin, weird, whole-brained, woman |
Who are you? |
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Found this in an old entry and wanted to do it again... so here it is!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
So, well, I'm still around. Have been spending a fair amount of time wishing I wasn't, but whatever. I saw the on-call counsellor on Monday, and I'm talking to my own psychologist tomorrow, so I suppose I'll be okay at least until then. Or something. He's probably just going to hate me for wasting his time when I already saw someone on Monday, but I don't fucking care anymore. Even if he does, it's not like I don't deserve it, in my own mind at least. I am self-centered lately and think that my own horrible opinions of myself and my life are gospel, and everything else is a lie.
I have come to the realization, via the observations of a friend, that I am not actually in any sort of "real" recovery and probably never was. I just spent the better part of two years hiding and masking and creating more layers so that I could "cope" and "live a normal life". Turns out that when I get super stressed, and then maybe don't engage in as many behaviors as I had been doing before, all those layers start twisting and turning and pulling off. I start becoming that thing I never wanted to be -- the thing I tried to remake myself NOT to be. Emotional, with innumerable mood swings; alternatively terrified, lethargic, and self-destructive; and always, always needing more than anyone could possibly give me.
The biggest problem, though, is that as time has gone on, I've become very jaded about recovery in general. I don't think I can ever live the kind of life I actually want, or ever receive the kind of attention from other people that, at my innermost self, I feel that I desperately need. So clinging to behaviors seems not like any sort of childish or manipulative or even destructive thing to do, but rather the only way I actually CAN live in this world the way people seem to want me to. As a part of it, contributing, acting and seeming normal. As a nice person, a good friend, a stable daughter, a sister who doesn't echo the crazy you are trying to get over within your own self.
But the facade is slowly starting to come apart. And, predictably, so am I. (I just wish real predictions were as good as retroactive ones.)
I have no idea where this is going, or even where it can go. It could continue by keeping me in a downward spiral, leading to lots of horrible things. Or maybe it could be some sort of road that leads me into actual, true healing of some kind. But even as I write that second possibility I don't think that can actually happen. I am too broken, and I've been broken for too long, for it to be able to be fixed. It's starting to all work itself into the way my personality, my whole self is shaped, rather than being something abnormal that is controlling me and making me crazy. It seems to be trying to work its way from parasite to symbiote. And I'm letting it. I find it comforting. I like having this one avenue towards fire and chaos that other people can't take away from me, no matter what they do to me. In fact, negativity would probably just feed into it, rather than taking it away. I like having something that not even stubborn insensitive parents and well-meaning friends and poverty and being a total fucking failure can take away from me. I could get to the bottom of the deepest barrel and still have it. At the bottom of that barrel, I would be able to sit there and think, "At least I can still be good at one thing." In some strange, fucked-up way, I would win.
Shields.
Sometimes I also wonder if I want to recover at all, which may or may not be another reason that I never truly did. At one point I really think I wanted to recover, and even had some hope that this could happen. Again, I've gotten rather jaded since then. So many psychologists, so many different people and treatments, and here I sit, still like this, still the same as ever. They say it's insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I don't even WANT to keep doing it.
I am tired of all of it. Physically, mentally, emotionally -- I'm tired. I'm tired of therapy, of school, of my family, even of my friends sometimes. Really, really motherfucking tired.
I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I wish someone could just come scoop me up and magically make all this stupid shit that is my life go away -- change it all into something that's actually liveable, that is worth living through. I can't think of another way to make anything liveable. Which means I'm running out of options.
One way or another, something is going to have to change, and soon.
I have come to the realization, via the observations of a friend, that I am not actually in any sort of "real" recovery and probably never was. I just spent the better part of two years hiding and masking and creating more layers so that I could "cope" and "live a normal life". Turns out that when I get super stressed, and then maybe don't engage in as many behaviors as I had been doing before, all those layers start twisting and turning and pulling off. I start becoming that thing I never wanted to be -- the thing I tried to remake myself NOT to be. Emotional, with innumerable mood swings; alternatively terrified, lethargic, and self-destructive; and always, always needing more than anyone could possibly give me.
The biggest problem, though, is that as time has gone on, I've become very jaded about recovery in general. I don't think I can ever live the kind of life I actually want, or ever receive the kind of attention from other people that, at my innermost self, I feel that I desperately need. So clinging to behaviors seems not like any sort of childish or manipulative or even destructive thing to do, but rather the only way I actually CAN live in this world the way people seem to want me to. As a part of it, contributing, acting and seeming normal. As a nice person, a good friend, a stable daughter, a sister who doesn't echo the crazy you are trying to get over within your own self.
But the facade is slowly starting to come apart. And, predictably, so am I. (I just wish real predictions were as good as retroactive ones.)
I have no idea where this is going, or even where it can go. It could continue by keeping me in a downward spiral, leading to lots of horrible things. Or maybe it could be some sort of road that leads me into actual, true healing of some kind. But even as I write that second possibility I don't think that can actually happen. I am too broken, and I've been broken for too long, for it to be able to be fixed. It's starting to all work itself into the way my personality, my whole self is shaped, rather than being something abnormal that is controlling me and making me crazy. It seems to be trying to work its way from parasite to symbiote. And I'm letting it. I find it comforting. I like having this one avenue towards fire and chaos that other people can't take away from me, no matter what they do to me. In fact, negativity would probably just feed into it, rather than taking it away. I like having something that not even stubborn insensitive parents and well-meaning friends and poverty and being a total fucking failure can take away from me. I could get to the bottom of the deepest barrel and still have it. At the bottom of that barrel, I would be able to sit there and think, "At least I can still be good at one thing." In some strange, fucked-up way, I would win.
Shields.
Sometimes I also wonder if I want to recover at all, which may or may not be another reason that I never truly did. At one point I really think I wanted to recover, and even had some hope that this could happen. Again, I've gotten rather jaded since then. So many psychologists, so many different people and treatments, and here I sit, still like this, still the same as ever. They say it's insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I don't even WANT to keep doing it.
I am tired of all of it. Physically, mentally, emotionally -- I'm tired. I'm tired of therapy, of school, of my family, even of my friends sometimes. Really, really motherfucking tired.
I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I wish someone could just come scoop me up and magically make all this stupid shit that is my life go away -- change it all into something that's actually liveable, that is worth living through. I can't think of another way to make anything liveable. Which means I'm running out of options.
One way or another, something is going to have to change, and soon.
Friday, February 20, 2009
THIS POST COULD BE TRIGGERING. You have been warned.
I'm in a state of mind right now where reading about some other girl's struggles with wanting to off herself (I think) on a certain LJ community, a girl I don't even know, is ridiculously and absolutely triggering.
Let me be honest. I have been having the worst OD urges possible -- last night, and now they seem to be starting again tonight. I think I just want my life to go away. And it bothers me that I can post how hard things are in a forum I frequent and have almost nobody comment, and someone else can post the same thing on another community and everybody actually gives a shit about her. I know that sounds incredibly attention whore-y of me, and who knows but that it might be in some respects. I want someone to get a fucking clue that NOTHING IS OKAY AND I AM SO FUCKING FED UP WITH THIS SHIT. So maybe it's not being an attention whore so much as... I wish that if more people knew about it, maybe one of them would know how the fuck to fix it, or say the right thing to make me okay again. Make me functional. But maybe that can't actually happen.
The counselling center tried to call me this afternoon at around 3, and I can't think of a reason they'd do so other than that they want to cancel my appointment for Monday. My appointment LAST Monday didn't go ahead, either, because apparently it wasn't even in the schedule -- and even then the receptionist said he almost certainly would have cancelled anyway, because he was in some sort of Very Important Meeting. I am getting rather tired of this bullshit. Maybe I wasn't exactly acute before, but things are clearly way worse than they have been, and I really think I at least need to go and talk to someone. I guess it's the on-call counsellor for me on Monday. Let's just hope it's not someone horrible.
I need to think of something to do tonight instead of pills, or even cutting. I'm supposed to go putting up posters tomorrow for an art festival I'm volunteering for, and it would NOT be cool if a cut came open and bled all over my clothes while I was walking. So there needs to be something else. What can I do???? Fuck me, man. I should not be trying to think of ways to self-destruct. And yet I can't seem not to think of it these last couple of days.
I don't even know why I'm writing this here. You're all just going to think I'm doing this for sympathy and "omg baby feel better" comments. But I think that what I said above stands. I wish someone here could really truly HELP me, but I know they can't, not like a professional could (and really should, I guess), but I just need somewhere to vent, or a lot of somewheres to vent. And maybe someone has been through this too and can understand. I don't know. I don't know what I want. My brain is starting to try and extend itself in about a thousand different directions all at once.
fdjslkf;djsfkldsjafkldsf;jsflk;dsjfdsj;lafdjlksa;jf
I'm in a state of mind right now where reading about some other girl's struggles with wanting to off herself (I think) on a certain LJ community, a girl I don't even know, is ridiculously and absolutely triggering.
Let me be honest. I have been having the worst OD urges possible -- last night, and now they seem to be starting again tonight. I think I just want my life to go away. And it bothers me that I can post how hard things are in a forum I frequent and have almost nobody comment, and someone else can post the same thing on another community and everybody actually gives a shit about her. I know that sounds incredibly attention whore-y of me, and who knows but that it might be in some respects. I want someone to get a fucking clue that NOTHING IS OKAY AND I AM SO FUCKING FED UP WITH THIS SHIT. So maybe it's not being an attention whore so much as... I wish that if more people knew about it, maybe one of them would know how the fuck to fix it, or say the right thing to make me okay again. Make me functional. But maybe that can't actually happen.
The counselling center tried to call me this afternoon at around 3, and I can't think of a reason they'd do so other than that they want to cancel my appointment for Monday. My appointment LAST Monday didn't go ahead, either, because apparently it wasn't even in the schedule -- and even then the receptionist said he almost certainly would have cancelled anyway, because he was in some sort of Very Important Meeting. I am getting rather tired of this bullshit. Maybe I wasn't exactly acute before, but things are clearly way worse than they have been, and I really think I at least need to go and talk to someone. I guess it's the on-call counsellor for me on Monday. Let's just hope it's not someone horrible.
I need to think of something to do tonight instead of pills, or even cutting. I'm supposed to go putting up posters tomorrow for an art festival I'm volunteering for, and it would NOT be cool if a cut came open and bled all over my clothes while I was walking. So there needs to be something else. What can I do???? Fuck me, man. I should not be trying to think of ways to self-destruct. And yet I can't seem not to think of it these last couple of days.
I don't even know why I'm writing this here. You're all just going to think I'm doing this for sympathy and "omg baby feel better" comments. But I think that what I said above stands. I wish someone here could really truly HELP me, but I know they can't, not like a professional could (and really should, I guess), but I just need somewhere to vent, or a lot of somewheres to vent. And maybe someone has been through this too and can understand. I don't know. I don't know what I want. My brain is starting to try and extend itself in about a thousand different directions all at once.
fdjslkf;djsfkldsjafkldsf;jsflk;dsjfdsj;lafdjlksa;jf
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
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