Food. I may start eating it. I don't know. I DON'T want to live with an ED forever (or have it kill me), and there is some new stuff going on with my psychiatric treatment which may make a difference with the ED within a few months.

I'm not sold on the idea of eating food on a regular basis, and I'm not sure at all about doing it, but... I'm considering. I'm thinking about it. And I have eaten much more today than I'd planned to. So... maybe it's a start? Or maybe not. We all know how up and down I get on these things.

The real test will be in the coming days, I guess. We'll see what happens...

98.6 lbs. After my little eating extravaganza last night I was afraid to weigh myself today... but instead I lost .9 lbs. Bodies work in such fucked up ways.

Other than that there's really not a lot else to report. I did watch Sister Act, yesterday, and it was lots of fun . Also, I'm planning a "sleepover" at my parents' house on Saturday, so I can visit my aunt who just got out of hospital after her second bowel surgery... she's staying with my other aunt who literally lives a 2-minute drive away from my parents' house. So I'm going to spend the night with them, and visit J (aunt who just got out of hosp) and E in the evening. I know there will be food involved at some point, and I will admit I'm quite nervous about that, but probably what will end up happening is that I'll hardly eat anything before my parents pick me up, so if somebody makes me supper I can eat at least a semi-decent portion and make myself "look normal" while still more or less keeping to my cal limit. I can do it. I CAN do it.

Someone on my forum responded: Please keep trying to overcome this because I know you can.


I can, but not on my own. And right now I am entirely alone. So I just can't fight it atm. I'm sorry if that disappoints anyone... but that's just how it is.

99.6. Double digits again. I don't feel impressed... not really. I still have such a long way to go just to even hit my lw, let alone get anywhere near any sort of ugw I once held for myself. Besides, it's not even about the specific numbers so much as it's about that the number MUST continue to go down. Hitting milestones just means I'm doing exactly what I have to do, and everything is going as it was planned to.

Today I am going to aim to make myself feel better mentally. I think I may watch Sister Act... been listening to a lot of the music from it lately, and I know I love the movie, so that will make me happy. I also have a newly downloaded two-part Doctor Who episode to watch that I've never seen before, AND I unfollowed a lot of the blogs I talked about last night that were making me so fucking angry. So... things are slooooowly getting there, I guess. Gonna work more at it. I don't want my spirits to come crashing down super fast just because my eating has to. I like positivity and happiness in my life, so I'll try to create as much of that for myself as possible.

100.2... and that was after I accidentally drank a small quantity of fluid before weighing in. Evidently yesterday's weight was no fluke.

Waging sociological battles on [blog site] has taken the piss out of me this evening, and I'm just... tired. Not that the purging and starving doesn't already make me tired enough. But this is like a soul tired. I'm so fucking sick of arguing with anti-racists and anti-isms people about why their methods might not be working and why certain things that they say probably shouldn't be said. I can't get them to understand, and it's so fucking FRUSTRATING. I wanted to have some down time on [blog site] after, to take my mind off it, but whaddaya know... I reached my fucking post limit. So now all my stupid debate crap is stuck at the TOP OF MY JOURNAL for like 3 hours. I'm just... irritable. Grumpy about the whole fucking thing. It makes me so mad that we're all fighting with each other when we should be friends and actually be fucking doing something about this shit. Why the allies are picking fights with allies I simply don't understand. It's the biggest load of shit I ever heard of and I'm so, so sick of it. I might have to take myself out of it for awhile just to clear my head.

What happened to the [blog site] that used to be a fun, safe space for me to vent and play around? Show pictures of pretty things, funny things, fandom things? Why do I now log onto [blog site] every day and get discomfitted by at least a fifth of what I read on a given day? Why is it that even though I now understand their POVs I still can't agree with them? Maybe unfollowing certain journals would let me take a break and try to regroup, think things through better. I still want to understand, and help if I can. I'm just not sure this is the most good-for-my-mental-health way to go about it. And we all know my mental health isn't good to begin with.

I just got totally sidetracked... so I guess I'll leave this where it stands. Another day of ED; another day of frustration and wishing things could change; another day of nothing changing. But I guess that's just going to be how my life is for -- well, I only wish I knew how long.

Today I was 100.5. Officially back in the anorexic BMI range. W00t. Or something. (I'm just happy that every day since I started this I've lost at least .2 or .3. Today's loss was .9, which was a little more startling... I'm hoping it's actually real loss, as opposed to just water weight.)

I'm doing about 600-700 cals a day. Have been b/ping for the last couple of days also. Binges are not as big as they used to be when I was diagnosably bulimic, but they're getting there, or could get there. I seem not to keep any of the binges in, thus far. I sure as fuck hope it stays that way.

Feeling, of course, generally weaker and more tired. Keeping up my caffeine levels and smoking to try and avoid some of that, but... it's going to hit me sooner or later regardless. I'm just slowing down the process, staving off the inevitable, for now.

La la la.

102.2. It said 102.0 the first time I weighed, but then I decided to weigh my cat (aka get on the scale with him in my arms), and once I got off and back on, MY weight had changed and gone up .2. Bastard scale!! Lol. [Also, my cat is now 11 lbs... he used to be 10 to 10 and a half. He's a fatty. Ahaha. ]

I have been eating too much at night again... as was a problem before, when I was trying really hard not to b/p. It seems like my only choices at night are either to b/p or to eat way too much according to my own standards. I'm going to have to figure out a way to permanently fix this problem. I tried smoking instead of eating but smoking makes me hungrier... wtaf. Coffee helps too, so maybe I should make sure I have another cup in the evening.

I've been eating a relatively normal-ish breakfast... a bowl of cereal with 1% milk. I've been mixing Nesquik and my All Bran bran flakes cause frankly it makes the bran flakes taste better. But today I upped the proportion of bran flakes to Nesquik (Nesquik has more calories). It was still pretty good. Next I'll probably go down to 1 cup cereal and 3/4ths cup milk instead of what I've BEEN having, which is 1 1/4 cups cereal and 1 cup milk. I've been using my 2% chocolate milk in my coffee (usually about 3-4 tbsp) because the chocolate milk makes it taste way better than regular milk does, and I might as well try to use the chocolate milk before it expires. I bought it to have with meals while I was being "healthy", but now I'm obviously NOT going to have a 190-calorie cup of milk with a meal. So coffee it is.

My "lunch" has usually been a golden delicious apple, but I have none of those left, so we'll see what I have, if anything. Maybe I'll have half a cup of yogurt. It's about 20 cals more but still in the same range.

As for supper... well, I'd allowed myself to have baby carrots and dip (a lot of dip). But that never fills me up and I still seem to eat and purge later on anyway. I might just say fuck it and see what happens. Gotta figure out different things to put in my "routine" when what I usually have isn't available, or working for me. I do at least get my cheque in 2 more days, so if I want to buy more fruit and stuff then I can.

There's one thing I'm glad about for this [...] forum, and it's that I can actually talk about like calories and measurements and weight and stuff and nobody cares. It's forbidden to talk about any sorts of numbers on so many forums, and to be honest it gets really really annoying sometimes. I'm glad there's one place I can come and actually be fully HONEST about what I'm doing, instead of having to sugarcoat or hide things.

102.8. Took lax last night, but I only BMed a "normal" amount this morning. We'll see if anything more happens when I drink some coffee (aka bowel irritant).

Yes, I'm lapsing. Yes, it could (and probably will) become a relapse. And, no, I don't care. I just can't handle this weight, and all the food, and the ED brain SCREAMING in my ear all the time, as well as all the other psychological shit that comes up when I'm eating. I just... can't... do it. I'm not strong enough to handle all of that on my own. And I have zero supports, aside from seeing my pdoc once every 3-6 weeks, and that's just for med checks. It's not as if he does any sort of therapy with me.

How can any rational person expect a polymorbid individual with a strong and long-standing ED to recover on her own? I look at it now and I shake my head. I don't know how I could ever have expected to just be able to gain the weight without any repercussions. My steel will only lasts for so long... with mental illnesses constantly tearing and pecking and poking at the will left and right, it is impossible for it to hold fast forever -- eventually it always begins to show the signs of wear and tear. And after that it's only a matter of time before it just starts to unravel completely.

So it goes.

I got up at about 5 AM or so today... that's getting pretty normalized. So that's good.

On the other hand, though, apparently I don't have to worry about my weight, because it went up 1.5 lbs in two fucking days. Today I was 104 lbs. Fuck my fucking life. I need to gain weight, yes, but not THAT FAST! Ughhhhh.

I'm having a hard time telling the ED to go fuck itself lately. I keep thinking more and more about wanting to get skinny and lose this stupid weight again. And then I remember it never does me any good to lose the weight, that I always get sick and sad and miserable. But I fucking hate the numbers always going up and up and up, and eating so fucking much because apparently now I'm ravenously hungry most of the time (and I have eaten a LOT in the last couple of days). I hate all this recovery bullshit. Yet I don't want to back down from the "commitment" I made to myself and to a lot of other people. I was pretty public about putting my recovery out there. A bunch of people I know IRL, or am close to online, know I'm recovering again and this time I have been saying it's really for real, I intend to gain all the weight back, whatever. How can I let them down? But at the same time... how do I deal with all this fucking SHIT???

Apparently my weight gain has slowed... I've only gained about half a pound this week. I'm currently at 102.5, which is still a gain from before, so it's still okay. Nonetheless, though, I really ought to be gaining 1-2 lbs a week (which is what any ED program would have me be gaining, or aiming to gain, per week), so I'm going to have to start my whole calorie-counting spiel again. I had started ignoring calories and sort of doing the eating-when-hungry-stopping-when-full bit (and believe me, my body TELLS me when it's hungry now!!) but apparently that might not be enough. So I'm gonna have to keep track of what I eat, and if I do any extra movement (even stuff like walking), so I can keep my caloric intake appropriately high enough to gain the weight, and at a decent rate.

My sleep schedule is totally fucked up, also, so this actually counts as "morning" for me. I had my "breakfast" at about 1:30 AM O.o. BUT my aim is to stay up a little bit later each day, and eventually my sleep cycle will go back around to where I'm going to bed around 11 or 12 at night, which would be ideal (to me). Going to bed at 10:30 AM or so and waking up at 1am ish is still better than going to bed at like 7am and waking up at maybe 8pm. I did at least get some daylight time in yesterday. And I'll get lots more in today.