Somehow I am tolerating life right now. I think it's just because I'm b/ping all the freaking time, and also getting a little more scared about what I'm eating. Everything seems like too much. Especially full meal plan compliance. I'm not quite sure how this recovery thing is going to work.
My depression/dysthymia is acting up a bit lately, I think. My memory kind of sucks a little. I want to sleep a lot more. Not so many things actually interest me. My level of apathy is fairly astounding lately, in fact. That being said, though, there are also times when the anxiety hits me, anxiety because of feeling empty and lonely, or overwhelmed by all the things I'm supposed to do, and I never know how to deal with it. Never, that is, except for when I use ED. I seem to use ED to deal with, well, every feeling ever. Which is not productive.
Then again, I am unproductive. Boring. Listless. Lost. Unmotivated. There is a big void inside me; my life is a big void. I am trying to put things in it, but it is like lining the bottom of a tall, round vase with a thin layer of sand. There's something there, and the vase won't fall over, but the hollowness around and in it is massive and cannot be ignored. And I simply do not have any more sand.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Yay for backdated entries, again.
Sunday, January 24th, 2010
So on Friday I got two calls from the ED clinic, for two of the groups. On Mondays I'm supposed to do the body esteem group, and on Tuesdays a group called wellness group, which I think is supposed to focus on day-to-day wellness and stuff like that. I am not sure how I feel about this, but I'm going to try it. I have my first group tomorrow.
Been b/ping as per normal. Everything else in life is going fairly okay. I guess I don't have so much that I want to report.
Monday, January 25th, 2010
Had the body esteem group today. It was actually a lot better / more relevant than I had thought it might be. I think I will continue with it and see where it goes from here.
I have my first wellness group tomorrow. All I can really hope is that my first impression of that group is as good as the impression from body esteem. Well, and I also hope both groups continue to go well. We will see on both counts, I guess.
Didn't eat all my exchanges today, though, and have b/ped twice. I kind of feel like I am failing at recovery. But whatever. It may all fall down around me... but it's not like that hasn't happened before. Right now I do not particularly 100% care. Whatever happens happens. Maybe I will get more motivated as the weeks go by, and I actually see the program dietician, etc.
Sunday, January 24th, 2010
So on Friday I got two calls from the ED clinic, for two of the groups. On Mondays I'm supposed to do the body esteem group, and on Tuesdays a group called wellness group, which I think is supposed to focus on day-to-day wellness and stuff like that. I am not sure how I feel about this, but I'm going to try it. I have my first group tomorrow.
Been b/ping as per normal. Everything else in life is going fairly okay. I guess I don't have so much that I want to report.
Monday, January 25th, 2010
Had the body esteem group today. It was actually a lot better / more relevant than I had thought it might be. I think I will continue with it and see where it goes from here.
I have my first wellness group tomorrow. All I can really hope is that my first impression of that group is as good as the impression from body esteem. Well, and I also hope both groups continue to go well. We will see on both counts, I guess.
Didn't eat all my exchanges today, though, and have b/ped twice. I kind of feel like I am failing at recovery. But whatever. It may all fall down around me... but it's not like that hasn't happened before. Right now I do not particularly 100% care. Whatever happens happens. Maybe I will get more motivated as the weeks go by, and I actually see the program dietician, etc.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Followed my meal plan all day; b/ped three times tonight. Seems about normal to me, which is kind of sad. I actually tried to follow supper and night snack as normal, but it was all surrounded with the b/ping, so I know I did not keep in the totality of either meal or snack. However, it's quite possible that I kept in extra cals from the binges, so to me it kind of evens out. Or something.
Haven't heard from clinic yet. Dropped off my psychology evals to them on Wednesday, since I decided to do them a few nights before that, but I was only there for about three seconds. I'm starting to get slightly anxious about the lack of communication. I just thought I'd've heard from them by now. Evidently not.
I am attempting to put myself back on a more normal sleep schedule. I had been getting up at about 12 or 1 every day and going to bed at 2 or 3... which, yes, also means I've been sleeping far too much. However, this sleep pattern has meant I've gotten very little time in during daylight hours, and also that my later hours are spent not being able to go anywhere or do anything, since nothing's really open after 10 or 11. When I used to go to bed by 11 or 12, and get up at more like 9 or 10 every day, I think I did feel better generally... more alive, more in tune with the world, what have you. So I started getting up earlier yesterday, which is the only day I am usually required to be up early. However, I actually had an appointment with a career counsellor from income support this morning, and I have an appointment with my social worker tomorrow morning, and I'm going out for coffee with my mom on Saturday morning. I think the universe is trying to tell me something, somehow. :P
Speaking of career counselling... there is a possibility I may be able to get funding to do some courses at university! The program I'm doing, which is supposed to help young people go back to the work force or to school, has funding until October, so I may be able to do a course over the summer and then do a full course load in September, provided I feel ready for both those steps. I definitely think I could handle at least a course over the summer. I really want to do a full-time courseload in September, but we'll have to see how I feel about it when it comes time. Then again, I'm not sure how easily I could pass up the opportunity to do something productive AND have it funded. I really really hope I am feeling in a place to handle it by then. Doing so would also mean I'd get to keep my parents' awesome insurance for the final year I'm eligible (I'm only covered until I'm 25, and only as an adult if I'm in school full time). So here's hoping I am up for it.
Haven't heard from clinic yet. Dropped off my psychology evals to them on Wednesday, since I decided to do them a few nights before that, but I was only there for about three seconds. I'm starting to get slightly anxious about the lack of communication. I just thought I'd've heard from them by now. Evidently not.
I am attempting to put myself back on a more normal sleep schedule. I had been getting up at about 12 or 1 every day and going to bed at 2 or 3... which, yes, also means I've been sleeping far too much. However, this sleep pattern has meant I've gotten very little time in during daylight hours, and also that my later hours are spent not being able to go anywhere or do anything, since nothing's really open after 10 or 11. When I used to go to bed by 11 or 12, and get up at more like 9 or 10 every day, I think I did feel better generally... more alive, more in tune with the world, what have you. So I started getting up earlier yesterday, which is the only day I am usually required to be up early. However, I actually had an appointment with a career counsellor from income support this morning, and I have an appointment with my social worker tomorrow morning, and I'm going out for coffee with my mom on Saturday morning. I think the universe is trying to tell me something, somehow. :P
Speaking of career counselling... there is a possibility I may be able to get funding to do some courses at university! The program I'm doing, which is supposed to help young people go back to the work force or to school, has funding until October, so I may be able to do a course over the summer and then do a full course load in September, provided I feel ready for both those steps. I definitely think I could handle at least a course over the summer. I really want to do a full-time courseload in September, but we'll have to see how I feel about it when it comes time. Then again, I'm not sure how easily I could pass up the opportunity to do something productive AND have it funded. I really really hope I am feeling in a place to handle it by then. Doing so would also mean I'd get to keep my parents' awesome insurance for the final year I'm eligible (I'm only covered until I'm 25, and only as an adult if I'm in school full time). So here's hoping I am up for it.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Written yesterday.
Ballooning. Scale today said 113. BMI of that would be 19.5. I guess it's possible that I'm retaining water, as I've been b/ping at least 2-3 times a day for the last week or more, but not much of it is water. I'm just getting fat.
Funny thing is, I hardly care. I seem to not care about so much these days. I just have this little blank void-ish thing going on, and I seem to be... not content with that, but not fighting it, either. Content would not be an appropriate word to describe how I feel about anything in my life these days, but nor am I ridiculously upset. I guess I am keeping myself in a very neutral, rather emotionless spot with all this b/ping.
However, I feel like there's some kind of emotional tidal wave beneath all this, which would overwhelm me if I stopped b/ping... which is why I don't stop b/ping. Last night I resisted an urge to eat, not even for a very long time, and all at once anxiety threatened to overwhelm me. Don't ask me why not being able to eat would cause such a reaction. All I know is that I don't feel I can handle any such reactions, and so I don't even try to. I just give in to all my food urges, which always involve eating massive quantities of either salty or sweet junk foods. And then I purge when I get hideously full, to avoid getting sick, to avoid gaining weight. Not that the avoiding gaining weight plan seems to be working very well... but I can't imagine where my weight would be right now if I was keeping all this shit IN. Doesn't bear thinking about.
So... yay for non-emotional states? I dunno. I feel very dry and blah. But I'm sure soon enough what I'm doing will no longer be sufficient to stem the tidal wave, and I will begin to suffer again. Already there are tiny cracks in the armor. And once that happens I'm not exactly sure what I will do, but I doubt it will be anything pretty.
Ballooning. Scale today said 113. BMI of that would be 19.5. I guess it's possible that I'm retaining water, as I've been b/ping at least 2-3 times a day for the last week or more, but not much of it is water. I'm just getting fat.
Funny thing is, I hardly care. I seem to not care about so much these days. I just have this little blank void-ish thing going on, and I seem to be... not content with that, but not fighting it, either. Content would not be an appropriate word to describe how I feel about anything in my life these days, but nor am I ridiculously upset. I guess I am keeping myself in a very neutral, rather emotionless spot with all this b/ping.
However, I feel like there's some kind of emotional tidal wave beneath all this, which would overwhelm me if I stopped b/ping... which is why I don't stop b/ping. Last night I resisted an urge to eat, not even for a very long time, and all at once anxiety threatened to overwhelm me. Don't ask me why not being able to eat would cause such a reaction. All I know is that I don't feel I can handle any such reactions, and so I don't even try to. I just give in to all my food urges, which always involve eating massive quantities of either salty or sweet junk foods. And then I purge when I get hideously full, to avoid getting sick, to avoid gaining weight. Not that the avoiding gaining weight plan seems to be working very well... but I can't imagine where my weight would be right now if I was keeping all this shit IN. Doesn't bear thinking about.
So... yay for non-emotional states? I dunno. I feel very dry and blah. But I'm sure soon enough what I'm doing will no longer be sufficient to stem the tidal wave, and I will begin to suffer again. Already there are tiny cracks in the armor. And once that happens I'm not exactly sure what I will do, but I doubt it will be anything pretty.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Thought I'd post some journal entries from the other site I update to, as they will explain pretty well where I am right now in terms of ED.
January 4th, 2010
Wish I could say I was facing my issues right now. I suppose I'm not.
On Saturday I was 109.4 lbs. Today: 109.6. This puts me at a BMI of about 18.9. I am pretty unimpressed by the fact that I managed to gain two fucking pounds over Christmas, even though, aside from one or two days, I didn't feel like I actually ate a ginormous amount. I wonder if it was the change to a lot of sugary calories that did it. I've always suspected that my weight does unspeakable things where sugar is involved. I swear I need to follow a practically diabetic diet not to gain weight from sugar. It fucking rots me, because I have a sweet tooth, and intuitively I seem to want to eat a lot of carbs, and sweet things. So when I follow my intuition I gain weight. Is it any wonder I'm afraid to follow my damned intuition?
I know this weight gain is supposedly "healthy" and all that, but it doesn't feel healthy. It just makes me feel fat. Pretty soon I'm going to gain even more weight and not even fit in my clothes anymore (even though I have other, bigger clothes), and then I'm not just going to feel fat... I'm going to BE fat. I am so tired of being motherfucking FAT. WHY is it that every time I eat "normally" I get fucking fat??? Aaaaaaagh.
I'm just tired of it. I want my 107 lbs back. Maybe I could just stay there instead of dropping 5 or 6 lbs below. Body doesn't like that so much. But maybe it could like 107. I don't want it to like 109. I can't fathom it liking anything higher. Very soon I will no longer be considered "skinny" or "small" by my stats. And I want to be small in EVERY way. Not just in what people see. I want the numbers to work too.
WHY do I always have to weigh more than I look? Why can't I just have a more normal body type?
*head explodes*
January 5th, 2010
Had appointment with dietician today. I've been ridiculously triggered by this weight gain -- have wanted to go off the meal plan a lot. We kind of agreed that maybe I could do something midway between restricting and the old, full meal plan I was doing. I don't really know what that is yet, but I'll figure it out.
I'm ridiculously anxious today. Like, so anxious I feel sick. Part of it has to do with a situation with the guy who just moved in above me... he's a night owl and is always walking around above my head at like 12, 1, 2 in the morning, and his footsteps are LOUD. I tried to go to sleep last night, and it took about one step for me to come right awake again. I don't know how I'm supposed to get any sleep until very late if he can't stop the heavy footsteps. I've already talked to him about it, but I know he's going to forget intermittently, and then what am I supposed to do? There are nights when I have to sleep far earlier than those hours... before therapy and stuff like that. I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep with that noise. The guy who used to live above me must have had extremely light footsteps -- in any event, I never heard him walking around. This guy I hear ALL the fucking time. How am I supposed to get used to that?? I've never been able to sleep when random loud noises jar me awake. Even the earplugs don't block it out enough.
I mean, fuck. As if I didn't have enough to deal with already. Now my sleep is threatened. And it just makes my anxiety sky-high, which makes me want to eat "enough" even less. I guess I do know that this apartment anxiety has nothing to do with the ED anxiety; but I hate the way this all feels. Hate it hate it hate it. And I don't see how I can escape from it. I am trying to tell myself that all things have an end -- maybe I could get a unit upstairs if someone moved out, maybe this guy will be able to get quieter, that sort of thing -- but I just don't know. Ugh.
To this a friend replied, in part: This can be something good love. You can do it. We're here for you..
January 6th, 2010
Three (basically complete) meals. One snack. I can do that. I think. I think I have to do that much, or my body will probably revolt. I don't want to start mad b/ping again, or even have cravings for mad b/ping. I am just having a really f***ing tough time with the food right now, and the weight gain. I'm still fairly healthy with this meal plan. Not FULLY healthy, but not super completely restrictive, either. I'm going to have to make do with this for now.
And thanks so much, R, for your support... it means a lot to me. I think I CAN do this, and I WILL do it... I just have to figure out a way to deal with my body first. I guess I'm being a little stubborn, but I simply can't deal with feeling like my weight is going to spiral out of control. So rather than losing weight, maybe I can at least decrease what I eat enough to maintain, or not gain much. I don't really know what my body will decide to do, to be honest. I just have to attempt to arrest this all somehow, for now, and see what happens. Tomorrow is a weigh-day (I do Mondays and Thursdays), so I guess at least I'll know then what the weight's doing. Not that I think I'll like it, whatever it is... but I have to know nonetheless. Not knowing at all is scarier to me than not liking what I see on the scale.
In reply to this, a friend then said: You know Niika you have made such good progress perhaps you could speak with your dietician to see about a meal plan that might help - for a temporary basis - to maintain? Rather then fiddling with the meal plan yourself it might be better to speak with and work with someone.
January 8th, 2010
Well, the dietician was the one who suggested that maybe I could do some sort of compromise between the full meal plan and going completely back to what I was doing... restricting binging purging. You know. And I don't really want to go back to what I was doing, either. I just can't deal with the weight continually increasing right now. I just can't. Not enough internal resources.
Was 109.6 again today when I weighed, so at least it's staying the same. Which is a comfort. My full ED instinct would be to lose the couple of lbs I gained over Christmas, but I'm at least trying to fight that one. Trying to not let it all go downwards, the way the disorder is kind of tugging at me to do. Just because it tugs at me doesn't mean I have to listen to it. But I don't want to send myself into an anxious, suicidal-y freakout state by forcing myself to do the full meal plan, either, and I fear that's what would happen. So I guess I'm putting the brakes on, to a degree, but I do think that's better than completely backpedalling. Right?
And, well, the b/ping is a separate issue, I guess. Been doing it at least once a day for the last few days. Have basically only purged binge food, at least, so I kept all the other stuff in. The problem is that I keep having urges to do it. It's really bloody annoying, to be honest. I don't necessarily WANT to do it, but my body is apparently too used to the old, full meal plan to let me get away easily with the lesser one. Oh well. I will deal with it, resist the urges, whenever possible.
I have an appointment with the psychologist from the ED clinic tomorrow. I guess she'll be doing the psychological assessment that day. She said I'd be there anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half. So we'll see what happens. I had been at a point for awhile where I wasn't sure if I needed the clinic at all, but I think the happenings in the last week, with my weight and body image and all that business, have convinced me that maybe I need to do this. I'm sure I'll get a chance to explain at least some of that to the psychologist tomorrow, anyway. I'm trying not to overanalyze it the way I would like to do. I'm just going to let it be whatever it's going to be, and if I need their help then maybe I need it, and if I don't I'm sure they'll tell me. But maybe I do. Maybe I do.
January 16th, 2010
Had the psychology appointment. Didn't really do that much -- she just took some of my psychological history and whatnot. As psychologist interviews go, it was quite brief (maybe 45 mins) and "standard". Didn't feel too probed into. Had to talk about shit I didn't really want to talk about, like my history of suicide attempts, SI, etc, but that's pretty much inevitable. The ED clinic is gonna have to know all that sort of stuff if they're gonna treat me properly.
Been in a very very bulimic mode for the last... I dunno, week maybe? Been b/ping consistently at nighttimes. Been buying tons of binge food, going through an average of a 2L of diet soda a day, all that sort of shit. It's funny -- you'd think I'd be tired of this -- but I'm not. My motivation for stopping is pretty nil right now, if I'm being honest. It's not that I want to live my life forever as a bulimic -- it's just that bulimia seems so natural, so inevitable. It's just the way I have to operate day-to-day. It's just something I do. It doesn't feel like any sort of self-killing, life-changing thing... it's just there. It just is what it is. I dunno.
Haven't had a call from ED clinic from the dietician. That's the next step in this process. That, and I have to finish filling out the forms I was given. I already filled out the eating disorder inventory, but there's an inventory of mood/psychiatric symptoms that I have yet to fill out, and also some quality of life doodad. I haven't felt like filling either one of those out yet, so I've been putting it off. I figure whenever a dietician bothers to call me about an appointment will be plenty of time. Not like I won't be able to find a minute to do them. I'm pretty free these days.
So life continues along with bulimia, and I am apparently no different than I ever was.
January 4th, 2010
Wish I could say I was facing my issues right now. I suppose I'm not.
On Saturday I was 109.4 lbs. Today: 109.6. This puts me at a BMI of about 18.9. I am pretty unimpressed by the fact that I managed to gain two fucking pounds over Christmas, even though, aside from one or two days, I didn't feel like I actually ate a ginormous amount. I wonder if it was the change to a lot of sugary calories that did it. I've always suspected that my weight does unspeakable things where sugar is involved. I swear I need to follow a practically diabetic diet not to gain weight from sugar. It fucking rots me, because I have a sweet tooth, and intuitively I seem to want to eat a lot of carbs, and sweet things. So when I follow my intuition I gain weight. Is it any wonder I'm afraid to follow my damned intuition?
I know this weight gain is supposedly "healthy" and all that, but it doesn't feel healthy. It just makes me feel fat. Pretty soon I'm going to gain even more weight and not even fit in my clothes anymore (even though I have other, bigger clothes), and then I'm not just going to feel fat... I'm going to BE fat. I am so tired of being motherfucking FAT. WHY is it that every time I eat "normally" I get fucking fat??? Aaaaaaagh.
I'm just tired of it. I want my 107 lbs back. Maybe I could just stay there instead of dropping 5 or 6 lbs below. Body doesn't like that so much. But maybe it could like 107. I don't want it to like 109. I can't fathom it liking anything higher. Very soon I will no longer be considered "skinny" or "small" by my stats. And I want to be small in EVERY way. Not just in what people see. I want the numbers to work too.
WHY do I always have to weigh more than I look? Why can't I just have a more normal body type?
*head explodes*
January 5th, 2010
Had appointment with dietician today. I've been ridiculously triggered by this weight gain -- have wanted to go off the meal plan a lot. We kind of agreed that maybe I could do something midway between restricting and the old, full meal plan I was doing. I don't really know what that is yet, but I'll figure it out.
I'm ridiculously anxious today. Like, so anxious I feel sick. Part of it has to do with a situation with the guy who just moved in above me... he's a night owl and is always walking around above my head at like 12, 1, 2 in the morning, and his footsteps are LOUD. I tried to go to sleep last night, and it took about one step for me to come right awake again. I don't know how I'm supposed to get any sleep until very late if he can't stop the heavy footsteps. I've already talked to him about it, but I know he's going to forget intermittently, and then what am I supposed to do? There are nights when I have to sleep far earlier than those hours... before therapy and stuff like that. I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep with that noise. The guy who used to live above me must have had extremely light footsteps -- in any event, I never heard him walking around. This guy I hear ALL the fucking time. How am I supposed to get used to that?? I've never been able to sleep when random loud noises jar me awake. Even the earplugs don't block it out enough.
I mean, fuck. As if I didn't have enough to deal with already. Now my sleep is threatened. And it just makes my anxiety sky-high, which makes me want to eat "enough" even less. I guess I do know that this apartment anxiety has nothing to do with the ED anxiety; but I hate the way this all feels. Hate it hate it hate it. And I don't see how I can escape from it. I am trying to tell myself that all things have an end -- maybe I could get a unit upstairs if someone moved out, maybe this guy will be able to get quieter, that sort of thing -- but I just don't know. Ugh.
To this a friend replied, in part: This can be something good love. You can do it. We're here for you..
January 6th, 2010
Three (basically complete) meals. One snack. I can do that. I think. I think I have to do that much, or my body will probably revolt. I don't want to start mad b/ping again, or even have cravings for mad b/ping. I am just having a really f***ing tough time with the food right now, and the weight gain. I'm still fairly healthy with this meal plan. Not FULLY healthy, but not super completely restrictive, either. I'm going to have to make do with this for now.
And thanks so much, R, for your support... it means a lot to me. I think I CAN do this, and I WILL do it... I just have to figure out a way to deal with my body first. I guess I'm being a little stubborn, but I simply can't deal with feeling like my weight is going to spiral out of control. So rather than losing weight, maybe I can at least decrease what I eat enough to maintain, or not gain much. I don't really know what my body will decide to do, to be honest. I just have to attempt to arrest this all somehow, for now, and see what happens. Tomorrow is a weigh-day (I do Mondays and Thursdays), so I guess at least I'll know then what the weight's doing. Not that I think I'll like it, whatever it is... but I have to know nonetheless. Not knowing at all is scarier to me than not liking what I see on the scale.
In reply to this, a friend then said: You know Niika you have made such good progress perhaps you could speak with your dietician to see about a meal plan that might help - for a temporary basis - to maintain? Rather then fiddling with the meal plan yourself it might be better to speak with and work with someone.
January 8th, 2010
Well, the dietician was the one who suggested that maybe I could do some sort of compromise between the full meal plan and going completely back to what I was doing... restricting binging purging. You know. And I don't really want to go back to what I was doing, either. I just can't deal with the weight continually increasing right now. I just can't. Not enough internal resources.
Was 109.6 again today when I weighed, so at least it's staying the same. Which is a comfort. My full ED instinct would be to lose the couple of lbs I gained over Christmas, but I'm at least trying to fight that one. Trying to not let it all go downwards, the way the disorder is kind of tugging at me to do. Just because it tugs at me doesn't mean I have to listen to it. But I don't want to send myself into an anxious, suicidal-y freakout state by forcing myself to do the full meal plan, either, and I fear that's what would happen. So I guess I'm putting the brakes on, to a degree, but I do think that's better than completely backpedalling. Right?
And, well, the b/ping is a separate issue, I guess. Been doing it at least once a day for the last few days. Have basically only purged binge food, at least, so I kept all the other stuff in. The problem is that I keep having urges to do it. It's really bloody annoying, to be honest. I don't necessarily WANT to do it, but my body is apparently too used to the old, full meal plan to let me get away easily with the lesser one. Oh well. I will deal with it, resist the urges, whenever possible.
I have an appointment with the psychologist from the ED clinic tomorrow. I guess she'll be doing the psychological assessment that day. She said I'd be there anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half. So we'll see what happens. I had been at a point for awhile where I wasn't sure if I needed the clinic at all, but I think the happenings in the last week, with my weight and body image and all that business, have convinced me that maybe I need to do this. I'm sure I'll get a chance to explain at least some of that to the psychologist tomorrow, anyway. I'm trying not to overanalyze it the way I would like to do. I'm just going to let it be whatever it's going to be, and if I need their help then maybe I need it, and if I don't I'm sure they'll tell me. But maybe I do. Maybe I do.
January 16th, 2010
Had the psychology appointment. Didn't really do that much -- she just took some of my psychological history and whatnot. As psychologist interviews go, it was quite brief (maybe 45 mins) and "standard". Didn't feel too probed into. Had to talk about shit I didn't really want to talk about, like my history of suicide attempts, SI, etc, but that's pretty much inevitable. The ED clinic is gonna have to know all that sort of stuff if they're gonna treat me properly.
Been in a very very bulimic mode for the last... I dunno, week maybe? Been b/ping consistently at nighttimes. Been buying tons of binge food, going through an average of a 2L of diet soda a day, all that sort of shit. It's funny -- you'd think I'd be tired of this -- but I'm not. My motivation for stopping is pretty nil right now, if I'm being honest. It's not that I want to live my life forever as a bulimic -- it's just that bulimia seems so natural, so inevitable. It's just the way I have to operate day-to-day. It's just something I do. It doesn't feel like any sort of self-killing, life-changing thing... it's just there. It just is what it is. I dunno.
Haven't had a call from ED clinic from the dietician. That's the next step in this process. That, and I have to finish filling out the forms I was given. I already filled out the eating disorder inventory, but there's an inventory of mood/psychiatric symptoms that I have yet to fill out, and also some quality of life doodad. I haven't felt like filling either one of those out yet, so I've been putting it off. I figure whenever a dietician bothers to call me about an appointment will be plenty of time. Not like I won't be able to find a minute to do them. I'm pretty free these days.
So life continues along with bulimia, and I am apparently no different than I ever was.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)