I have realized... that I still think extreme thinspo, or at least a lot of it, is beautiful. I still think bones are beautiful. I know, beyond a doubt, that many of the girls in the pictures that I have been looking at were sicker than sick, and I've been sick myself, and I'd never wish that on anybody. I also don't think super skinny is the only kind of beauty out there. But I still can't help thinking that extreme skinny is, nonetheless, so very delicate and fragile and lovely.

Maybe I am still sick, at that. For still thinking things like this. For wishing, even among my opportunities and chances to grow and change and become better as a person, that I could go back to my old smaller body. For wishing that I had the liberty to starve myself down to that delicate and fragile weight. For wishing I could be the one taking these pictures, only of my own self.

I don't really know what to think of my own head, sometimes.

A bit stoned still. I seem to be one of those people who gets the munchies while stoned. YAY! So far I ate junk food at the friend's where I smoked (I bought it and ate most of it before the MJ, though), and then when I came home I ate some chocolates from upstairs, and THEN I went to my pile of binge food, which I actually haven't touched since a bit before Christmas day for an actual binge. Apparently I still had a whole pack of Snickers bars in there, although I had thought I only had the remaining Kit-Kat Chunky. So I had a Snickers bar. I fucking love Snickers.

MJ kinda... slows me down. But I discovered tonight that it doesn't actually make me happy -- it's just a great high when I'm in a good mood. Tonight I had some of my mood-swingy shit because my friend got "annoyed" at me over essentially nothing, so I went from happy to kind of sad/lonely/something. Dysphoric, maybe. I was still really slow and sloggish and didn't want to focus my brain on anything and concentrate, but instead of happy underlying it, crap did. It kind of makes me feel a bit like when I'm in one of my extremely irritable depressions, which used to be fairly rare until recently. These days I seem to get irritated or mad a lot. I'm not really sure why.

Well, I hope this all made a bit of sense. Hopefully my writing isn't ridiculously bad while stoned.

I can still feel my muscles trying to relax themselves.

Things I want to do this year:

- Get fit
- Get admitted to the psychology program (it'll be about time)
- Get the best grades possible in my courses
- Find a GOOD job for the summer... not just some shitty fast food stint that makes me want to claw my eyes out


There are other things that I'm afraid to write down, because I'm afraid I won't keep them. I'm scared about keeping them, and I don't know if I even can. So maybe they should just stay within myself for now.

Actually, I don't know if getting fit will be possible, either. But I guess we'll see.