Had another fucking slip last night... had a mini binge, and then purged. I decided I really REALLY wanted some Kraft Dinner last night, so I started making it, but maybe halfway through it cooking figured out I wasn't actually hungry. Rather than just not eating it, though, I was craving it so badly that I had a rather large bowl. After that I couldn't get the thought of b/ping out of my head, especially because I had (stupidly) gone and read the Purgatorium on LJ (a bulimia community), and it made me remember all the comfort and fun I used to get out of bulimia, and it really made me miss it. So both of those things combined with feeling lonely and kind of hating my life lead me to eat the rest of the box of KD, and then purge.

Of course, after I did it I felt like complete shit about myself, and got really pessimistic about my ability to actually stay in recovery once I leave M House. However, the rational part of me can see some things that I can change in the future so I don't find myself in this situation again, such as actually taking all the KD out of my house (since it was a binge food, and I have at least 7-8 boxes in my cupboard), making sure I have no other triggering foods in my house (like the bunch of chocolate my sister brought to me from my mom for Easter), not going on sites like the Purg, etc. So... I don't know. Part of me really really REALLY wants to b/p again, because that addict in me wants it so fucking badly, but the other part of me is planning what I can do so I don't slip again, or at least not in the same way. I guess I just... don't get my mind right now.

I need to actually think, and write, in detail about all the things I fear happening once I leave M House, and all the things that are bothering me lately. Once I do that I may be able to think of solutions that just aren't coming to me with it all swimming around in my head, popping in and out seemingly randomly. I just wish writing about my life and what bothers me was easier.

There are times when I really, really hate recovery. Unfortunately, this is one of them emoticon. But I have to keep going on.... I can't NOT go on. This is my life, and if I don't work at making it better, and keep myself on track generally, nobody else is going to. And that's the shittiest part of all about it. I don't get a break, and I can't have one, because recovery is not just something I can enter and leave whenever... it is built into my LIFE, and that is an inherent trait about it. I literally cannot escape it, much as I may want to sometimes. And I am definitely itching to escape it lately.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Eating's back on track a little more today... I did skip breakfast, aside from a coffee, but after supper I was able to allow myself a couple extra slices of toast w/ marg & jam, which mostly made up for the calories. Everything else was fairly "normal" (as in, on my usual eating schedule). I'm pretty much okay with this, for now... I just hope it lasts. I really do hope so.

Now if I could figure out why it is I feel so dysphoric or anxious or down when I do, and could work on it... that would be wonderful. *sigh*

Okay, so... up until a few days ago, I was doing really really well. Like extraordinarily well. But in the last couple of days my mindset has started to slip a bit. I had the experience of a renewed intensity in my belief about being fat, being horribly disproportionate, having a ridiculously fatty and bulgy midsection, etc etc. This in turn has led to a lot of self-hatred, which I think is what's been leading me into the more volatile, negative moods I've been having.

It didn't manage to creep into my eating patterns until today, though. Today's breakfast was not the usual (a large bowl of higher-calorie cereal with soymilk and a coffee with creamer) because I had no cereal I wanted to eat in my apartment (I'm home on an overnight pass); instead of it was a bowl of oatmeal, a slice of ww toast with peanut butter, and about half a coffee with almond milk. Calorically, this is at least 100-200 calories less than what I usually have for breakfast. Then I delayed snack by at least an hour... though I did have a fairly normal-sized snack, as calorically it was about the same as my usual snacks. However, my supper was missing any fruit or veg exchanges (I usually have at least 1-2), and I don't have any desserts here, either, so I didn't eat dessert. And now it's around when I would usually have snack if I was hungry (I am), but for some reason I'm not letting myself have anything.

I just... I don't understand why I'm being so stupid. I KNOW I need to eat, and I know it's incredibly ridiculous, not to mention dangerous, not to eat all my exchanges, especially when my hunger cues are still not fully operational yet. (I do generally know when I am hungry [though not always], but it's a very rapidly onsetting hunger, and if I leave it alone for more than half an hour or so I get really weak and fuzzy-brained and stuff.) Physically, I feel rather crappy at the moment, since I DO feel fairly weak and fuzzy-brained. And yet... I can't challenge it right now, or maybe am choosing not to, because the emotional fallout and anxiety from forcing myself to eat more would be more than I can handle right now. I self-injured the other night, and it was because I hated myself so much, and felt so awful, that I felt like I deserved it, and needed to do it. I don't like that horribly intense, destructive headspace, and I can't deal with it alone... and right now I guess I don't feel like the staff at M House could do enough for me to keep it at bay right now. I feel like even with their support (talking to them, etc) I would not be able to get rid of this thing, or properly fight it whatsoever. I just... can't do it.

I fucking hate my stupid motherfucking brain.