Weigh-in: 137! AAAAAAAAH! *cries*. Stupid hospital making me eat... gah. That's three pounds heavier than I was when I went in. Must. Get. Rid. Of. Weight. SOON.

Anyway, I'm off to cabins for the weekend with family... wish me luck. -.-

Eating Disorder Survey

**Eating Disorder Survey**

General

Age - 20
Height - 5' 3 1/2" (161.3 cm!)
Weight - Last time I weighed myself it was around 134. The Moment of Truth shall be tomorrow morning...
Lowest Weight (at current height) - Around 130.
Highest Weight (at current height) - 167.
What do you want to weigh? - Somewhere in the 100s or 110s would be nice.
What eating disorder do you have? - EDNOS.
Diagnosed by a professional? - No.

In-Depth

How many calories do you eat in a day, on average? - I try for less than 500.
Do you throw up your food on occasion? - On occasion.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress? - It'd be neat if I could, but I'm not so sure.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track? - No. I m teh lazy. :/
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight? - Actually, I got teased more when I was "flat" than when I was overweight.
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long? - Yes... for about a day and a half before I gave in. All other attempts have ended after about half a day.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories? - No.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses? - Yes. Models especially.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED? - Nope.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting? - No... that's hella dangerous.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder? - I've thought about it, but I've never been able to yet.

Body Image Qs

Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not? - Yes.
What part of your body would you change? - Excess fat on, well, just about everything, actually.
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body? - I'd give it around a three or four.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body? - Not usually, but it doesn't hurt either.
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed? - Not really... it's just another thing that makes me think about how much I need to change!
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses? - The mere thought of that is depressing as hell... let's not even go there...

Health/Food

Do you think you eat healthy enough? - 500 calories a day is not healthy.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs? - No. I'd rather eat those than fats.
Fat grams? - I don't count, but I try to keep my fat percentage in my daily intake low.
Calories? - A lot of them, yes.
Are you often tired/fatigued? - Yes.
Do you feel more energised after eating food? - Sometimes.
Do you eat meat? - Sometimes.
Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc - Sometimes I eat really slowly, in tiny bites, etc.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished? - No.
Have you ever thrown up blood? - No.
Is your heart bpm above 49? - Yes. At rest it is in the mid to high 60s.
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating? - No.

Other Stuff

Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders? - I don't doubt the media has helped, but eating disorders existed far before mainstream media did.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana? - I kinda see it the same way I see pro-suicide -- looks good to the people in the middle of it, but it's just another manifestation of the disorder when you really think about it. Suicidal people want to die, so they reason about why it would be okay for them to die. Anorexic people want to get skinny, so they reason about why it is okay for them to restrict. What's the real difference?
Do you have any other mental disorders? (ie Bipolar, BDD, etc) - Dysthymia, generalized anxiety, borderline personality disorder
What's your favourite food to eat? - Lately I really like organic apples, Cheerios, etc. I still have weaknesses for junky foods, but eating too many of any of them hurts my stomach, so that's a good excuse. :)
Favourite drink? - Unfortunately, I have a huge weakness for soda. I also really like apple juice, orange juice, milk, and lemonade.
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED? - Sometimes I do, yeah. It would make life easier if I could eat healthily and heartily and never have to think about calories or fat or any of that bullshit. But right now I just can't.
Do you want to recover? - Sometimes I do. But, like I said, I just can't make myself right now. Things are going to have to change in my head first for any "recovery" to work.

To make a long story short: I just got out of the hospital. ODed on acetaminophen for the fourth time, but this time my body decided to be stupid and randomly make my liver enzymes go up for no reason (it the liver does this it will usually do it gradually, but mine did it all at once after a couple of days). I had to have the whole acetaminophen antidote over again. Not to mention that for two days I was so nauseous that I was throwing up small amounts of foods, so I was on a forced fast -- and forced fasts really aren't pleasant, especially because I wasn't drinking liquids either. They had to keep a saline IV in me to keep me hydrated, and yesterday they added potassium to the IV because I hadn't been able to eat enough to get it back up myself. Today, however, the bloodwork came back improved and they let me go home.

Having eaten relatively normally for the last two days, and not weighed myself since Saturday morning (or was it Friday morning?), I am a little terrified about what I'm going to see on that scale when I get on it tomorrow, plus now I've got to work myself back down to restricting levels again. Argh. Double pain in the ass, that. But never mind. I will do it. I vowed to get to at least 120, and get to at least 120 I will! :)

Daily weigh-in: 134.2. I wonder why it keeps going in between these two particular weights (this and 133.8)? It can't rest squarely on 134? It doesn't want to go above .2 or below .8? I find this rather bizarre, to tell you the truth.

However, I swear that I WILL lose again. I WILL go below 133.8, if it's the last damned thing I do. Actually, my goal right now is to get below 129... that was the low weight a friend of mine with an ED reached. It's terrible of me to be set on beating my friend, I know, but after reading her journal I can tell that I am a better restrictor than she is AND I know more about eating disorders now. Plus, she was more of a bulimic than a restrictor anyway -- would binge and then compensate by fasting, which as we all know just leads to binging again. Which is exactly what it did for her. The scary thing is that we had/have the same goals... 120 and 105. But I swear I will get there, even if she did not. At least to 120 if not as low as 105 -- although I'd LOVE to go to 105, or even lower.

But yeah. I suppose that's enough comparison for one day. I have something she did not -- willpower to avoid binges. That, combined with determination, should get me something, or this world just doesn't work according to the laws of human physiology and nutrition. I wouldn't be surprised, though, knowing my luck. Haha. :P

Well, I'm off now. To do... umm... something. I just gotta figure out what.

Daily weigh-in: 133.8, again. Lol. It's kinda funny, in a way... because my scale did the exact same going-down-from-134 that it did before, too. But before THAT it was going from 133 to 137 to 135, and then it said CAL. My scale has problems. Haha. :P

I'm going to a concert at around 7 tonight... I think it'll be okay. I'm going with a friend I haven't seen in a long while, anyway, so at least I'll get to have a chat with her and such.

One more thing: Coke Zero is awesome! It tastes so much more like regular Coke than diet does, and it still has the same minimal calories. I ♥ it. I think I'm going to become a regular customer... hehe. ^_^

Daily weigh-in: 134.2. I guess you could say I didn't gain that much... but, really, what comfort is that?? :P. But seriously, I don't think eating a peanut butter sandwich and having a glass of Diet Pepsi at 1 AM helped, nor did getting about five hours of sleep. Ugh. Girl, if ya wanna lose weight, you have to stop eating late and get enough sleep! Get yerself in line!

So on that note, I'm going to go get a glass of ice water and two crackers (I have to take my Effexor with food or it makes me nauseous), and then I have to get ready for an appointment with my psychiatric nurse. Blargh. Ah well. He's nice enough... I just don't want to get off my lazy ass to get the bus. :P

Later, people.

Daily weigh-in: 133.8. And for those who have been asking what my "secret" is... I've just been restricting really, really heavily. It helps that lately I just haven't felt like eating, even though I've been hungry. I think that's caused by the depression -- but pfft. If it works, it works! Also, by restricting really heavily I mean that I've been trying for 200-300 cals a day. It's not something I'd recommend to anyone else, but I can't deny its effectiveness.

Daily weigh-in: 134.6. That's because of the stupid sandwich I got shoved in me. Screw you, sandwich! :P. Well, okay... it could also be because I ate that sandwich at four in the morning. Or because I didn't get nearly as much sleep as I'm used to. All that kinda helps. :/

Daily weigh-in: 134.8! I have reached my short-term goal!!! :D.

But you know what that means, boys and girls... time to set new goal weights!

Previous Goals:
STG: 135
LTG1: 120
LTG2: 110

New Goals:
STG: 120
LTG: 105


I am excited... I can finally take 135 off my goal weight chart forever :).

I hope you guys are having a good day today -- or, failing that, at least not a terrifically bad day. :)

I just ordered these books:

Best Little Girl In The World
Stick Figure: A Diary of My Former Self
Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa
The Minds of Billy Milligan

... okay, so the last one isn't eating-disorder related. So what. :P

I think they will all be good. I may or may not let you know what I think of them (I haven't decided yet).

Daily weigh-in: 135.8. I'm almost at my short-term goal!!! (That would be 135, set when I was way back at 163 pounds.) I'm quite excited. I'm finally getting to goal weights... yaaay. :D

I'm going for a bike ride now, so I must go get ready. I wish you all success for what remains of the day! :)

Take the quiz:
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Daily weigh-in: 136.2! Yesss!!! I'm finally starting to lose again! Fucking awesome. ^_^

Purged the birthday lunch as soon as I got home. Got most of it up, I think. Definitely got all the ice cream cake up, at least -- not as certain about the wrap.

I don't want to eat anymore today. I feel disgusting and fat.

I did get some lovely presents, though, including Chapters money and a $20 bill and a bunch of pretty things (dreamcatcher, fountain, etc), and I got to see my aunts and cousins and little second cousins. So it wasn't all bad, but... I wish I hadn't had to purge the whole meal up. I could possibly have kept down the half of the wrap I had, but after the cake all I could think of was how soon we'd get home so I could go purge. Ughhhhhh.

I'm, like, afraid to eat now. I'm afraid I'll purge just about anything up. And this is only going to lead to binging and purging, instead of the eat-normal-meals-and-purge thing I'm doing now. But I can't help it. I feel gross and food is disgusting and I am NOT putting that shit in my body today. It's just not happening.

I need to cleanse myself of the filth I poison my body with.

Daily weigh-in: 138.2. Goddamn these fucking 138s! And for the next two days I have to eat a lot more than I want to -- I'm going to the annual birthday lunch today with relatives, and on Friday night I'm having my party, which will probably mean pizza as well as a ton of candy and pop. Ughhhhhhh. I am SO going to be fasting from this evening until Friday night. I guess you could say I'm going on a 24-hour fast, kind of. I'll be asleep for part of it, but still. I can't eat that kind of shit and NOT not eat in between. Fucking grosssss. :/

One thing I have noticed is just how much birthdays revolve around food. Isn't that disgusting? Major holidays all involve the shovelling in of terrible amounts of calories. I swear human beings are all fucking pigs. Those of us with eating disorders are just the ones who try to control our gluttony.

Compulsive overeating

Okay... on [a site for people with EDs] I just read a description of compulsive overeating disorder, and I realized... I have had that disorder since ninth grade, until I began restricting. That's four years that I had COE without even knowing it!!!

Compulsive Overeating

Some characteristics of COE:

- May fulfill all the diagnostic critia for Bulimia Nervosa except for the regular purging. (Nope. Besides, isn't that binge eating disorder?)
- Will either binge on large amounts of food or snack continuously throughout the day. (I did both, I think, at intervals, but mostly I snacked on the junkiest of junk food.)
- May be obsessed with food by thinking about it continuously. (I remember a fairly long period of time -- at least several months -- when I'd freak out if I didn't have some kind of junk food in the house.)
- Food becomes a form of comfort to help with depression and feelings. (HELLS YEAH.)
-Usually results in the person being overweight or obese. Some may be of normal weight if they go through periods of 'binge-free' days. (I was overweight for at least two of those four years, and if I'd gained 10 more pounds I would have been obese.)
- May express frustration with weight and not being able to control urges around food. (I didn't like how much fat I had or how big I was, but to me it wasn't worth the effort it would take to give up all the junk food. When I finally found an antidepressant that worked, though, I almost instantly switched from overeating to restricting. That used to strike me as rather odd, but when you think of them both as disordered eating behaviors, it kinda makes sense.)


So... I had COE. Odd, odd thought. Maybe it was just never noticed because I always thought my eating was "normal" except that I ate far too much junk food, which is common among teenagers anyway. The difference is that I was using food as my comfort through those years of dysthymia. Now that the dysthymia is in remission -- I start restricting to get this gross fat off me.

This is even more proof that I didn't just magically develop the mentality. I had it all along, but it was covered up by the COE for many, many years. Now the blanket's just been lifted off my head. That's all. It did not take many "triggers" for me to start restricting to a ridiculous degree (by "normal" standards, at least). And now I know why.

Daily weigh-in: 138. Not so bad, I guess. The scale was telling me 137.6 at first, but then at the third weigh it changed its mind and started sticking with 138. Damned thing. I don't think it's calibrated right, but I don't know how to calibrate it unless the CAL message comes up on the screen. Stupid 40-dollar scale. I didn't have the money for a better one at the time, and I still don't. :/

Yesterday I had less than 300 cals, though. I also slept from about 10 PM to 12 PM today -- so, yeah, that's 14 hours. It was good though. I feel pretty rested :). I still have annoying purple rings under my eyes, though. Anyone know what causes those / how to get rid of them aside from using concealer?

Today was my birthday, so I let myself indulge. Really, I'd pretty much call it a binge. I had my birthday supper -- chicken, mashed potato, green beans, and fresh corn -- and a small glass of Pepsi with it, and then afterwards ate a small piece of ice cream cake. A couple of hours later I went to the mall with my friends, where I bought a Subway sandwich higher in cals than my normal choice (and I wasn't even that hungry), along with a meal, although the cookies are still sitting in my purse. I then went to see The Da Vinci Code, and there I had a Kids' Pak with an upsized regular Coke. But -- that's it. No more tonight. And tomorrow I really really really want to assert my restriction control again. No more of this eat-anything-you-want business! If I want to lose weight, I have to start restricting again. NO Pepsi. NO fatty foods. Seriously, girl. I'm ashamed of you. *scolds self*

I can't believe I didn't realize this before... I have been eating more junky things, and eating more in general, because my body wants food and is making me eat more pretty much on its own. I thought I was just getting more apathetic about what I ate. Truth is, though, that this is my body trying to fool me into eating more.

I will not let it fool me anymore! I will keep control of myself, no matter how bad the cravings get, and no matter how hungry I get. I got over my cravings before, and I can get over them again. I just have to really assert my willpower -- not let this stupid apathy get me. I WILL WIN, GODDAMN YOU. I WILL LOSE WEIGHT.

Today's weigh-in was 138.6... ugh. I really have NOT been good at ALL lately -- I mean, I'm not consuming that many calories, granted, but I've been drinking regular Pepsi and shit. I've also been giving into cravings and then have often ended up purging what I've just eaten. It really fucking sucks.

I've gotta try and get back into the mostly water, juice, and fruits and veggies thing again. I feel better when I do that, and it's better for me, too.

So I love Canada's Next Top Model, and it's totally thinspiring. Petite Asian girl with ribs and some bones sticking out. "Large" model wanting to lose weight, seran-wrapping her butt and legs. People talking about size and definition and food. Of course, we knew that models are very concerned about their body and size anyway.

And we can't forget the girl with extra arm hair. When questioned, she said that she's so cold now that her arms are growing extra hair. They told her to wax or shave it, because it's bad for photographs. She so has an eating disorder. Very pretty girl, though. Beautiful face. They got makeovers, and she got very short red hair -- it was completely transforming.

Too bad I'd never have the height or the looks to be a model. Not to mention that the scars on various limbs would be a rather large problem. Oh well. I never really wanted to be a model anyway. It's just a little different to know you never could, as opposed to just not choosing it.

Well, I'm doing the best I can, on the weight front at least. All I've had so far today is an apple -- and I'm not even finished that. I'm doing the nibbling bit again. We'll see how well this shit works.

I haven't been a good girl lately -- well, not really. Haven't exactly been counting calories, but I'm pretty sure it hasn't been more than 1000 on any given day. However, today I weighed myself for the first time in several days and I was actually at 138, so now I'm more motivated than ever to lose. I'm SOOOOOO CLOSE to my short-term goal of 135... I can almost taste it. I want to get there so bad. And if that means I have to starve a little -- well, so be it. My stomach is a lot smaller than it used to be anyway.

Fucked up the fast, but I don't care. I'm too depressed to give a shit what I eat right now. I had a small amount of spaghetti and meat sauce earlier, and now I have candy and a Charleston chew bar and Pepsi. The only way I know to make myself feel better right now is food. What a fucking idiot I am.

I'm considering starting a fast tomorrow.

Daily weigh-in: 139.4. Well, I could be back to 140 again, I guess. But still. Always just a teeny bit discouraging when you do really well and the number doesn't change at all.

Daily weigh-in: 139.4. Clearly, my new "technique" of eating works better than just straight-up counting calories, and starving for hours in between. I'd talk about it, but I'm afraid that if I write it down I'll stop doing it. Yes, I know that's weird. But I'm still not talking about it. :P

Daily weigh-in: 140.4. Are weight fluctuations a good thing or a bad thing? I dunno. But at least I'm not back in the 141s. Lord knows it could happen, though. :/

Bought and read the book "Wasted" today -- about a girl's struggle with bulimia and anorexia. It at times made me really really want to recover, but at times made me feel terribly guilty about how much I do eat. It prompted me to let go of my fears about eating cookies and eat some (which turned into eight... but they WERE small cookies), and then reading it some more after that made me feel like absolute shit and sent me to the toilet to purge most of the cookies up.

So... yeah. Really good read, but really intense. And triggering. Just be warned.

Not even the whole outer half of a large apple (well, okay, and a glass of water before that) and I am full enough that I don't dare eat the rest of the apple yet, lest I get uncomfortable and decide I need to purge.

This shit really does take over your life.

Daily weigh-in: 140. Yuss! Now, mind you, my scale was being stupid the first few times I weighed myself... a different weight each time... but it stuck to 140 three times in a row after that, so all I can do is take it at face value. I just hope it's, y'know, actually right. :)

Yesterday I was going to start trying to eat a little more, but that ended with me purging twice (I didn't write about the second time), so fuck that for now. I will hopefully be starting with my old psychologist again at the end of the month or early next month, so maybe I can work on it then...

I love excuses. Lol. :P