Today and yesterday I was 101. That makes my BMI 17.5. Percentile as it relates to the average American's weight for a woman my age and height: 9th. Clinically underweight. Yadda yadda yadda. But it is not good enough. I am not good enough. And I feel that losing more weight is the only way I have right now of even trying to be good enough. So I must pursue it as much as I am able to. I know that is a fucked-up way of thinking... so why don't I stop? Why does it seem that even when I try to, I can't stop?

I dislike my life in general right now. Everything seems just a bit useless, just a bit pointless. I go through every day, do most of the things I need to do, but I'm like a puppet -- going through the motions instead of truly living. I'm not really connected to any of it. This ED puts a barrier between me and others -- between me and the world. It is a hazy screen which I must always look through these days, because it never seems to go away.

Doldrum and loneliness.

101.8 today; 102 yesterday. That puts my BMI at 17.6.

Everything is still the same. Still restricting, & still b/ping at least once a day. I usually restrict in the daytimes, and b/ps will take place at nights. I prefer it that way. Makes me feel like I have at least a modicum of self-control.

GP's office hasn't called back about specialist appointment yet. If I don't hear anything by tomorrow afternoon I'll phone them instead. See my social worker tomorrow at 3, and my psychologist on Wednesday at 10:30 as per usual. I didn't do my homework for my SW (again), but I don't really care. She can get mad at me if she wants.

So not only did I end up eating yesterday, but I absolutely could not resist a b/p. I needed it so, so badly, and I could not control it.

I think I am an addict.

Been meaning to update for a few days... have been putting it off. Oh well. It's not like it can't wait.

Had a binge of epic fucking proportions last night. That, plus my overeating of the day before (due to being sick -- the food made me feel better), put 3.4 fucking pounds on me. I am completely grossed out. However, I fully intend to compensate for my disgusting-ness by coffee/liquid fasting for the next three days. Which means coffee is the only liquid I will consume that actually has many calories in it (milk). Everything else will be diet soda, Crystal Light (about 5 cals per cup?), maybe some flavored electrolyte water (5 cals per 2 cups), and water. If I've got any fucking willpower left, I can liquid fast for three days. And I DO have willpower left. I am going to prove it to myself by doing this.

I'm also doing this because my gag reflex seems to be dying, which is why I binged so badly last night and didn't purge. I had already binged once before that night, but despite heaving and heaving it would NOT all come out. And I wanted to binge too fucking badly to be able to stop myself. By the time I managed to stop eating last night (due to an EXTREMELY spicy hot n sour noodle cup), I quite literally looked like I was about 2-3 months pregnant. I think I actually have pictures of it on my phone. Maybe I'll post them. Or maybe not. I don't generally like posting body image photos.



Another thing I've been meaning to write about is the ED clinic referral... which is becoming an ongoing and apparently epic saga . Actually, the word I've been calling it is "rigamarole". "Pedantic" would also apply.

My psychologist asked me at our last appointment on Wednesday if I wanted her to call the ED clinic and find out where I am on the waitlist process, which I agreed to, since I hadn't heard from them yet and was wondering why. She got me to write down my email address and told me that she'd send a message if she heard anything.

On Thursday at around lunchtime I got an email from her, which read as follows:

Hi. I spoke with the ED Program today. They are waiting for the return of the info package from your MD. Their policy is, if they have not received it back after one month, they will send a reminder letter to the MD. In this case, that would be early next week. Once they review that, and the info fits with their criteria, they will contact you for an interview and an RMI (to assess readiness for the program). The person I spoke with thought that would be within the next few weeks. Hope that helps.

That surprised me, because I had expected the delay to be on the ED clinic's end... since the hospital had let me go after the weird EKG thing, I figured everything was good to go.

So I called the GP's office, and she told me that the reason she hadn't sent my referral was actually because of the EKG. Apparently there was some slight abnormality in one of the waves. She said that they usually look for a specific kind of abnormality in EDs, which mine didn't fit, but she thinks the clinic probably won't be happy with that EKG and is likely to simply turn me down because of it. So she wants to send me to a cardiac specialist to get 100% medically cleared for all things cardiac. She didn't sound as if she thinks anything is really wrong with me, though. I think she's just being extremely thorough, so the ED clinic can't deny me for something minor that doesn't actually mean anything. You know.

So the bullshit factor just went up by about 1000... but I suppose, if something actually is wrong, I should find out. However, I suspect that all this is probably just a waste of time -- as if enough time hasn't been wasted already on this goddamned referral. But I've gone this far, I suppose, and I'll be damned if I let bureaucratic medical shit stand in my way. Or something. Or, y'know, I'll go because my GP will probably murder me if I don't. Whatever works. :P


So... yeeeeah. That's about where everything stands right now. I'm sure you're all highly interested. *yawn*

102.8 for the last two days. BMI still rests in high 17s. Body doesn't seem to want to lose weight. I guess I can't really blame it. Wants to survive as a biological organism and all.

Have had half a coffee, an apple, and a bottle of caffeine-free Diet Pepsi so far today. Considering a garden salad before class. We will see.

Saw my psychologist today. She offered to call / go to the ED clinic and see where my referral is in terms of getting processed. The people at [clinic] (where I see her) had an orientation with the ED people last week, which I guess is what gave her the idea. She said it didn't seem to her like the wait list was that long, judging by what they said -- certainly not months like I'd been thinking. Here's hoping she's right. Anyway, she's going to get in touch with them if she can, and if she hears anything she's going to email me.

So that's two professionals trying to get hold of the clinic for me... my social worker has been playing phone tag with them for at least 3-4 days. I suppose one of them might get through eventually. Apparently the clinic doesn't yet have a secretary or anything, so any calls, etc, have to be made by the people who work at the clinic themselves. Guess that would also explain why my doctor was late-ish in receiving the proper medical forms from them, etc. They really need to hire a secretary. o.o

Chug chug. *train*

Two days at 103.4. I am a fatass. The only consolation is that I seem to be in the 103s more often now, which maybe means I'm the tiniest bit smaller? But I could just be kidding myself. I suspect that I am.

Have to go to the grocery store after class sometime and buy Draino, and possibly a plunger. My toilet is not working properly -- it won't flush anything solid, and water drains from it only very very slowly. So now there's a bunch of soiled tissue sitting in it. FUCKING FUN. Since I'm 99.9% sure the toilet is fucked because of my b/ps, I'm going to attempt to fix it myself before I call the superintendant, despite the nastiness. I mean, fuck, if I can puke in the toilet, I can sure as hell clean up my messes when I break the thing. Seems only fair.

Getting fed up with my life. Am currently skipping Research Methods, because I'm sure I've learned whatever he's teaching today before, and frankly the lectures bore the hell out of me right now. Not to mention I'm in a horrid mindset, and the thought of spending two hours in class today nearly sent me over the edge. I woke up wanting to binge/cut, which is a great way to start the morning :|. I didn't do either, but that's not much credit to me binge-wise... I simply didn't want to have yet another bag of puke on my hands / in my garbage can. (There's already one in there from last night.)

I'm a dirty nasty fucking bulimic, and I fail at restriction, not to mention life. But I guess I don't really deserve anything else, since I'm essentially willing myself into this downward spiral. Why the fuck do I do this stupid shit to myself?

Yet another set of crossposted entries. Not too many this time.


September 15th, 2009

105.6. WTF OMG. How the FUCK did I become such a fat fucking heifer?

This needs to change. NOW. I don't fucking care anymore. I cannot gain back 2+ lbs in 3 days. This is ridiculous, not to mention disgusting. I will not let it continue. I cannot.

Fuck my life.


In reply to this, a friend wrote: 'How is that disgusting? 105 lbs is nothing, you must be teeny tiny.'


September 15th, 2009 (Part 2)

I am still a size 3/5 in pants, although I do wear a small in shirts. I'm not sure if I'm still a small B or have become an A cup, but either way I still have boobs. And body fat. My friend saw me today and said I looked "rather fit", as I had lost weight and "had color in my cheeks". I mean, come on... I can't be that bad if H is telling me I look athletic and healthy, can I? Really?

I know what you're getting at... I know I'm not objectively "large". It's just that I'm nowhere near truly "small", IMHO, and everything that objective observers say seems to confirm that. If I was REALLY "small", people would look at me and think I was skinny, not fit. They probably wouldn't think I looked healthy, either. Therefore I must not be very small.

I know this logic is stupid. It works in my mind only because I'm completely fucked in the head. And none of my professionals seem to care how fucked in the head I am right now, and none of my friends are qualified to deal with my shit, so why should I care? Why should I try anymore?

The truth is, I don't care as much, and I'm getting tired of trying. It's just that I also get tired of my life being complete shit. So, essentially, I'm stuck. There is no right way out of this. There is no anything. And I am so tired of living nothingness and meaninglessness.


September 16th, 2009

104 today. Well, at least it's not 105.6. Can't say I'm super thrilled about the actual number, though, still.

Had coffee for breakfast, and a big garden salad with light Italian and a bottle of Diet Pepsi for lunch. I would have considered something slightly more substantial for lunch, but it's Formers' Night at M House, meaning they cook supper for everybody. M House is a social support I value dearly, and I know I probably ought to eat a real meal once in awhile, so I'm going. Plus we have choir afterwards, and they're serving food when we're finished practice, which I know I will probably eat unless I eat the M House supper first. Rumor has it the choir food will be KFC... so I'll take a properly balanced meal over grease, thanks. :|

Had an interesting session with psychologist today. Maybe I'll write about it at some point.

Au revoir.


September 18th, 2009

103. BMI: 17.8. Of course, on a doctor's scale I would be higher, so it's still not even close to good enough yet.

B/ped three times last night. I do it at least once a day now. I've had a little extra money, so I've been buying extra random, fun yummies to b/p on, such as the garlic fingers and onion rings I bought last night. Still have half of what I bought left in my fridge. Have a feeling it will get consumed tonight.

I'm weaker, more tired. I slept a ton yesterday & am still tired. It really wouldn't matter how long I slept, I don't think... I would still be just as fatigued. If I want to be less tired I have to eat more -- I know that -- but I simply cannot do that right now. So I will put up with the tired, and whatever else happens. The random shakiness I sometimes get when I tense my hands. The dizziness I get for a few moments when standing. The muscle aches I get now and again. The headaches. All these things are really minor. Hell, I was medically cleared a few weeks ago -- everything was perfect. My body seems to completely resist medical instability, and I don't care anyway, so why the fuck should I worry?

Life goes on, and I trail along behind it.

I feel so... depressed today. Depressed lately. These last 2-3 days, for sure. It's one of those blank depressions where you're content to just sit and stare at the wall for an hour at a time. When almost all your thoughts just stop, and you have no desire to do anything, ever. Where you wish all your bodily functions and needs would cease, so you would never ever have to move, because you're so exhausted, such a shell, that the mere act of moving seems to take a momentous amount of energy. Where somewhere below all the blankness lies an incredible sadness, which if you could access it and let it out might make you cry for hours, cry until you couldn't produce tears any longer. But you never can. So you are blank, empty, miserable, and left wishing someone would just perform a mercy killing and free you from this fog once and for all. Only for some reason everyone seems to want you alive. You can't imagine why.

Yeah... that's exactly what I feel like right now. Even my food issues don't seem to want to bother me so much, although I'm still restricting because it's familiar, not to mention that when I eat a lot of food at once I seem to have trouble digesting it. Just to give an example: I woke up nauseous after about 5-6 hours' sleep last night, because I had eaten onion rings at around 10:30 or 11 PM, but was still burping them up at 6:30 AM (I woke up at around 5:30). So, essentially, they spent all night rotting in my stomach. Not an experience I desire to repeat.

I am mad at, and disappointed with, myself for not dealing with my issues generally. All sorts of people are actually experiencing real recovery, because they're going through all the pain and misery, and sooner or later, slowly or quickly, are coming out the other end. But me... I'm still running. I'm still avoiding, and dodging, and doing whatever I can to put up all the barriers possible so that no one can ever truly get to me. I'm afraid. Actually, I'm terrified. But that's no excuse. All those other people are afraid, too, and yet they're doing it. N was right. I am a coward.

The only good things I can say about life since [around a week ago] is that I have not SIed since then, and my student loan should be in by late next week. Which isn't exactly timely, but at least I'm getting it.

:|

Was 104.0 this morning. I'd say I think my scale is fucked, but it has been fairly accurate so far, especially since I got weighed at the doctor's office and the difference between the scales was exactly what it should have been. I know my system was pretty empty, though, and I've already had food today, so chances are decent that the weight might be up from that tomorrow. Oh well. I know that, pattern-wise, I am losing, so I don't care.

According to my favorite BMI calculator online, and using the height my doctor measured me as (5'3.75" or 162cm, as opposed to the 5'3.5"/161cm I had been thinking I was), my BMI at 104 lbs is exactly 18. Which means, also according to said calculator, that I am underweight. However, this is only according to percentiles, I think, because when I entered my age as 20 instead of 23, the BMI was suddenly listed as "normal" instead of "underweight". Mind fuckery. I'm sure the weight will be low enough to "actually" call myself underweight soon, anyway.

Has a bit of a freakout moment today at the hosp, also... got my EKG done with plenty of confidence, sure it would be perfectly fine, but when I turned my head to the paper afterwards I saw something like "consider abnormal *something*", and then the person who did the EKG said that she was going to have it read, and asked me to wait outside while they faxed it to my doctor. So I got to spend about 30-40 mins or so wondering what the heck was going on with it, wondering if they could possibly keep me there -- and then the person who was at the front desk came out and told me I was free to go, and apologized for the wait. O.o. As one of my Twitter friends suggested, they were probably just being overly cautious, or something. Evidently nothing is seriously wrong, or else they would have told me instead of just allowing me to leave without comment. So whatever. I'm in perfect health. Surprise!!

I have to go now, but I'm sure I'll be on [the forum] later on my phone. That's what I've been doing lately, as I don't get to a computer often these days. That will change next week when school starts, though.

:)

Crossposted from forum.


So I am finally, FINALLY almost done the fucking referral process for the ED clinic. Really, it's become a bit of a pain in the ass. I went to my GP for the third and final time today to do medical shit for the referral... she had to take my blood pressure & pulse both lying down and standing up, take my temperature, order me an EKG, and make sure she had all the necessary bloodwork done. Turns out there are a few fairly minor things she didn't know about, so now I get to go have my arm pricked again as well as a bunch of sticky tabs attached to my chest -.-. She also had to fill out a form the clinic sent her, which included questions about my high, low, and current weight(s), and current height. Her scale read me as 107.5, which is about what I expected; my home scale read 105.4 this morning, and all I'd had before my appointment was a couple of coffees. Actually, I've been liquid fasting for the last two days, aside from a b/p last night, & also took Colace yesterday evening, as I didn't want to look fat on her scale :|. But whatever. The first thing I did when I came home tonight was have oatmeal and baby carrots, so it's not as if I'm uniformly reluctant to eat real food. I was really glad to finally have something solid in me again, actually. But I digress.

All I have to do is go to the hospital, get the EKG and bloodwork done, and wait for the doctor to send my stuff off and then for the ED clinic to get back to me. I don't think there's any worry of not getting accepted - even my blood pressure and pulse were good, which were the only things I was worried might actually be fucked, and in every other way I am apparently the picture of health. My body always seems to really want to stay stable, & to work hard to make that happen, no matter what I do to it. That's a good thing, I guess.

Also, I saw my psychiatrist today for the first time in two months. He was very nonchalant about the news that I was engaging in ED behaviors again. He just thinks it's a symptom, and that I need to explore why this has suddenly come on again - what it's a reaction to, what the "real" reason for it is, etc. Well, duh, I know that. The problem is that all my insight and all my intellectual ability to analyze shit just isn't stopping the symptoms, and the symptoms are getting too bad too fast to ignore right now. He did seem to think the referral to the ED clinic was a good idea, though - said it would help me to manage the symptoms, at least. Not that he spent a lot of time talking about that, either, but whatever. He admitted himself that he doesn't really do eating disorders, so I guess I can't expect much from him in that regard.

In general, though, I'm just taking everything as it comes for now, one day at a time. That's all I seem capable of at this point, so it will have to do. Hopefully this referral won't be too ridiculously slow in coming through, and I can try yet again to get my life back on track. I just can't help wondering how many more tries this is going to take before it actually fucking sticks. :S