I read this awhile ago, and thought it was so true. So I thought I'd share it with you guys. Written by an LJ user.


Bulimia is like a rollercoaster. Anorexia is like sitting on a bench at the amusement park while everyone else rides the rides.

Bulimia is plunging headfirst into the deep end, and then running out, then plunging in again. Anorexia is hanging your feet in the shallow end of the pool, too scared to go in but too scared to run out, either.

Bulimia is hitting Fast Forward followed by frantic attempts to Rewind. Anorexia is Pause.

Bulimia is fun and ferocious and horrible. Anorexia is counting calories, doing math problems and making graphs of weight-loss trends.

Bulimia is f--d and sex and life and death. Anorexia is staring at the minute hand of a clock.

Bulimia is gaining and losing 10 lbs within the space of a few hours. Anorexia is tiny increments, subtle change day by day, thigh circumfrence change measured in milimeters.

Bulimia is like creating a soap opera out of life to distract from the fact that you just can't handle living. Anorexia is making life smaller and smaller and more manageable because you just can't handle living.

582 cals today. For the love of all that is good, PLEASE don't let me eat any more food today.

In other words, if you've got anything motivating you could say or paste here, or otherwise direct me to, I'd really appreciate it... :).

850 cals so far today. I'd like to avoid going above 1000 if I can.

I actually think that lately I've been building a little muscle (not that much, but a little) and losing more inches, instead of losing weight. Reasons for this hypothesis:

1. I looked at my body in the mirror a few days ago and said, "Wow... I have a sort of athletic look to me. And I kinda... like it!" It was really bizarre.
2. This could be a result of washing/stretching, of course, but it seems like my newest jeans, the sizes 27/28 (size 3-5), are getting slightly loose on me.
3. My therapist said she thought I had been continuing to lose weight... even though my weight has been relatively stable for at least a month and a half now.

So... I really don't know. I'd like to believe it, but I'm hardly able to. I look bigger to myself these days. I'm always afraid that I'll wake up one day and not be able to get my smallest jeans on. If that happened, well, I'd completely freak the fuck out. I'm already freaking out enough because I swear I've got more fat on my body now, and my thighs are jigglier, and my stomach poofs out more -- if I gained much and/or stopped being able to fit into my clothes, we would have REAL problems.

Fuck "recovery".

I'm back.

I thought I was doing this great thing today when I made myself buy a club sandwich and large carton of chocolate milk, and then over about two hours eat and drink the whole thing. It's true that I did need the calories -- I'd been walking a lot that day, and twice had sat down, completely red in the face, full of sweat, and exhausted to a dangerous point. So I had to have some sort of substantial food -- preferably something I couldn't look up on the Internet later to check calories. I mean, it was fine... or so I thought.

Now, though, I think my intestines are getting back at me for putting such a strange type of food inside it -- a food it hasn't seen for quite awhile. I'm completely bloated and clogged up and heavy-feeling. My stomach is sticking out so far that I swear I almost look pregnant. And, worst of all, this load of water I've been drinking doesn't seem to want to help the food move through me at all.

If you've never read this before, read it now. Please.

http://www.net33.com/thin/updown.htm

My hands and feet are really cold, but I'm sweating because I'm too warm. Fucked up much? :|

Afraid of gaining. Afraid of losing. Afraid of eating. Afraid of not eating.

I hate this.

So when I eat too much, or eat a lot and don't count the calories, what do I do? Exercise compulsively. How the hell am I supposed to get better like this? Or will I ever fucking snap out of it?

I'm sorry I sound so depressed and pessimistic lately. The fact is, my mood has taken a turn for the worse, and it doesn't seem like my antidepressant is helping me all that much anymore. Plus the pdoc's got me started on a low dose of Seroquel, which serves to make me extremely groggy (and doesn't help me fall asleep any faster). Then, of course, there's the not being able to get warm, hair falling out, and hips too big for body things that are becoming issues now. Yeah. When I was blowdrying my hair today, every five or ten seconds another hair would just fall out of my scalp. It's not a lot of hair loss -- yet -- but it will become that. And my body is starting to look strange even to me. All I want is to be thinner, but I hate the way I look even at this weight, and I know I will hate it more if my weight diminishes.

I dunno. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

I have a cold sore in the corner of my lip, there's something unidentified and painful in the bottom of my left foot (I can't see anything, but I can feel it), and my eating disorder is starting to scare me because I'm always cold and weird-feeling now no matter how much I eat.

So how are you today? :/

I'm debating whether I should go to the doctor for a full physical. On the one hand, I'm scared that she'll find out about the eating disorder (of course she would) -- but more scared that something is seriously wrong and she's going to threaten to send me to specialists / the hospital. On the other hand, not knowing what's going on with my body unnerves me, and if something happens to me I probably won't even know what it is, let alone know what to do when it happens.

Any opinions? :/.

Hey girls (and boy!). I was doing excellently in my 200 cal day until tonight... which i don't really consider my fault at all. Certain combinations of circumstances left me depressed, angry, and sitting in a little ball on a couch as I tried to figure out what the hell to do with myself. The only thing I could think of, other than self-injury or yet another OD, was to take Ativan. Specifically, 6mg of Ativan all under the tongue at once. Didn't take too long for me to start feeling hyper -- and then, after the brief interlude of dancing-craziness-insanity, a nice sleepy calm came over me, which has been with me ever since. I must confess, I like feeling calm. It's an emotion that's rare for me lately.

But anyway... after taking the Ativan I went to my kitchen and started eating. Now, all I had was four cookies (300 cals) and a bowl of Multigrain Cheerios with milk (175-200 ish) -- well, okay, and like two Wheat Thins. I still don't feel guilty about it; but I'm sure it'll hit when I get on that scale tomorrow.

I kinda liked the ability to just enjoy a treat when on the Ativan, though. I haven't had Rainbow Chips-A-Hoy in forever, and it was nice to be able to allow myself a couple of them. It seems that when my anxiety goes away, I eat about as "normally" as it is possible for me to eat. On the other hand, this is probably my last night overloading on the Ativan, since I start 25mg of Seroquel tonight for sleep. I really hope that one works -- and maybe will have some slight mood stabilizing properties, too, even though it's such a small dose. One can hope, right?

Anyway, I'm gonna go to bed now. Already feeling pleasantly relaxed from the Ativan, so it's looking mighty tempting to pop the Seroquel now and get ready for lights out. :)

Au revoir!

I have decided to try one thing, and NOT WAVER on it: I will not drink diet soda anymore. I honestly think that diet soda is a big factor keeping me on this plateau. Lately I've really been lovin the diet soda, and I'm probably loving it too much. It always had a tendency to make me plateau... I thought that effect might go away if I drank diet soda for long enough, but I guess it didn't! And, I mean, it's not like 600-900 cals per day isn't still restricting anyway......

Okay... I just got a serious reality check. I posted my monthly weigh-in at [a LiveJournal community], and I lost a grand total of... THREE fucking pounds. Not to mention that I've gained it all BACK since my weigh-in day.

Omfg. I think I'm gonna lose it. I never realized just how little I was losing... I was ignoring my under-500 thing (doing between 600 and 1000 cal days, but mostly 600-800), thinking, "Oh, it's not a big deal." But I just realized how much of a big deal it IS. I want to lose the weight, and I want to lose it FAST.

So... opinions about what I should do? Do you think the 2468 diet would work for me? How about a juice fast, or fruit fast, or some other only-certain-foods type fast? I'm not sure I could handle a 0-cal fast right now, because I get really weak really easily from lack of nutrients, but I need SOMEthing better than what I have right now, because I have GOT to LOSE MORE.

All right. Shit is better now. I told my therapist a goodly amount of what I wrote in my last entry, and said some things I really needed to say, so I feel a bit better about the whole thing now. Translation: I haven't entirely given up hope on it yet :). Plus, psychology class was awesome -- not the lecture (which was pretty much all biology, a subject I know barely anything about), but the fact that I was on MSN and AIM chatting with people WHILE taking notes. I was just... amazed. Haha.

On the eating front, I had a few candies this morning (yeah, I know... but it was only 100 cals), and then smartly and randomly decided to go to Subway after my appointment. I had a turkey deli... and discovered that ranch and BBQ sauce go well together. Who'd have thought!? (The BBQ sauce is somewhat sweet at Subway, so that doesn't necessarily hold true for other barbecue sauces.) Then, after class, I made my dad bring me to McDonald's to get a free muffin, and I ate about 3/4ths of it. And I've just put away all the groceries Mom brought home, and some of them are beginning to look mighty appetizing.

Today I think I may make a bit of an exception food-wise, though. I'm dizzy basically every time I walk (mild -- I'm not always falling over or clutching things, but I have a weird feeling in my head like I'm kinda swaying), and I think my blood pressure is a bit low. Note the word think. Oh, yeah, and I'm starting to get a headache. Anyway, I might eat just because that deli did make me feel better, so I probably need some food to feel better, and... ughhhhhh. I dunno. Maybe maybe not. I am conflicted. Then again, aren't I always???

Sorry for the lack of caps lock in this post. I originally wrote it in another journal.

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oh my. gotta go to the t soon. not really looking forward to it. not sure what i'm gonna say......

i was supposed to get in contact with my old t and see if i could set something up with her. however, she's sick right now. like, really sick. as in, sick leave for two weeks because her flu made her asthma go wacked. she's still got a week of the sick leave left, so this means i have at least one more week (this week) with the new t. i don't know what she's going to think about that, or do in today's session. i think she's finding me pretty impossible to work with, and i HATE that. the old t could always work with me on some level -- or at least, if she couldn't, she never said, "i don't know what the fuck to do with you today." i wonder if new t has any idea whatsoever how earth-shattering those words can be when said in practically every session (minus the curse words of course). like, every session being told you're hopeless and even the person who's supposed to know what the fuck to do doesn't know what to do with you. you're weird; you're tough; you're complex; you have defensive layers so high that it's a wonder you stay standing. but my old t managed to get past all that. now, not always, and not even for a full session -- but enough to get shit done. what do i do with a t who won't even try to penetrate that -- who will just sit there if i make no active attempt to break free of those walls? unfortunately, it isn't quite that easy for me. i shouldn't be having to make her trust ME... SHE should be making me trust HER enough for defenses to come down. but she isn't. she isn't.

god. i've got like five minutes left on my laptop before i have to pack up and leave to walk over to that bloody clinic to go to that bloody appointment. so what do i do? i don't know. i wish i could just run away and never face therapy again... but that's not how borderline girls get better. and if i don't get better, i die.

sometimes, though, i don't know if i'd just rather die out of it instead of trying so hard and so futilely. everywhere i go, it seems, someone wants to flatten me or trip me up or just turn my shoulders in a wrong direction. and i'm fucking sick of it. sick of the world. sick of this life. SOMEBODY let me out of this hell i'm stuck in, PLEASE?

I wish my brain would really, truly go into recovery mode. Eating disorders are so bloody demanding and temperamental and tiresome. I just want all this to go away.

Only had 9 grapes and a Wheat Thin so far today. Not bad. I mean, it will be worse as the day progresses, but not bad so far.

These last couple of days I've been eating Splenda compulsively. I just pour out handfuls and lick it up. I know it's an odd habit, but Splenda is soooo good. :D

I wish I could sleep for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

I love that I just ate six grapes and a rice cake, and actually felt comfortably full. And then I took all my pills with water and didn't feel like gagging. And now I'm drinking Diet Pepsi, because caffeine is teh awesome.

Things are always just so much better when I'm restricting, and not giving in to binge urges.

Everyone else is so vital and interesting and alive, and then here I am, dull and spacey and lacking in any sort of contrast or brilliancy. And who really needs a colorless drone in their lives anyway?

I've spent my day going to classes, walking to the grocery store 10 minutes from the university campus to buy razors, going back to the campus and cutting my thigh repeatedly, and purging every morsel of food I've swallowed today (except one grape this morning). I'm in an absolutely terrible state. But I don't even care. Right now I'm dehydrated and my stomach aches, and I feel like numbing myself out even further by taking some Ativan. Hell, maybe I will. I know for sure that I'm going to go for a nap in the near future.

.....................

Tired as shit, and not in the greatest of moods. Wishing I could just go back to bed -- but I can't. I missed my classes on Monday, so it is essential that I go in today, so I don't end up too far behind. But that doesn't mean I have to want to go.

I'm dehydrated already and it's not even 9:30... just fucking great. I did fill up my water bottle before I left the house, though.

Lunch will be one of the small golden delicious apples Mom bought a bag of yesterday. Other food will be... well, something, I'm sure. I'll figure it out when I get home.

Tired, dehydrated, cranky, and vaguely depressed. What a lovely way to start the day. Not that anyone actually cares what kind of mood I begin my day in... but that's all right.

Off to browse the Net some more before I drag myself to Spanish class.

Today's food:

- Cool whip, 95% fat-free, with pills (1.25 tbsp) - 10
- Half of a McDonald's blueberry muffin - 175
- One cup Cap'n Crunch Red Berry cereal with half cup 0.5% milk - 170
***purged the cereal, and got some of the muffin up, too (not sure how much)
- One small green apple - 63
- One caramel chocolate chip rice cake - 60
- One Popsicle ice pop - 35
- One Cadbury Dairy Milk Thins bar - 100
- Calcium chew (20)

Total (approx): 480

Not too bad, all things considered. I've also been exercising a bit today (some walking around campus and jogging in place at home), so hopefully all this will help me in my goals. :)

Gotta start walking to psychology in about five or ten minutes. Right now the last thing I need to be doing with psychology is learning about it... but that's okay. I'll pretend to be at least somewhat normal for an hour and fifteen minutes. Or, you know, I can just say I'm tired and proceed to space out. Maybe I'll do that one. And take some semblance of notes while I'm at it. Yeah... that's it.

I forgot to weigh myself this morning because I'm stupid. Oh well. I'll weigh myself again eventually.

I'm all depressed and shit right now. I would explain why, but I don't have the energy to explain for the third time this morning.

Here's to a day severely lacking in food.

I'm starting to feel a little better about things.

I'm starting to believe that I have enough willpower to make a limit of 500 and stick to it, if I really really fight myself. And just thinking about being able to go back to my old restriction makes me feel awesome. Being able to do this without constant, tumultuous struggle in my head may happen a bit further down the road; for how, just cutting back on calories, period, will do me. I have managed not to go above 500 today, and it makes me SO happy.

I CAN do this. I MUST. There is just no other way.

I love it when I wake up, and ten minutes later am doubled over in pain because my back muscles have decided to seize up on me excruciatingly. And I love it even more when it gets harder to breathe, and then suddenly my hands are all tingly, so I know I'm about to have a panic attack -- and then I have to make my dad get my Ativan because my muscles are still waging war on me, making it impossible for me to go downstairs for the bottle myself.

Some ibuprofen, some water, and the two Ativan I put under my tongue eventually helped my muscles to calm down as well as neatly got rid of the panic attack. However, I've decided that I'm not going to go to school today. Frankly, I think I could use the extra sleep, for my state of mind as well as for my back; it would also be nice to relax a little, if I can (ha. haha. I'm so not punny).

I just wish I wasn't all too aware of what caused these back and (lesser) diaphragm cramps. *sigh*. I just never seem to learn...

All right. Girl. You're not hungry. You just filled your belly. You have diet Pepsi if you want some caffeine for more physical energy. You have had your allottment of calories for the day -- an amount which, may I add, you survived on quite well for several months. You do not NEED to eat more. You just want to. But want isn't good enough. It's not enough of a reason to consume things. Food is necessary to a degree; but you have reached that degree for the day.

The tingling in your cheeks will go away. You don't need that stuff. You really don't. You have eaten. You're good. Things are good. So let it go -- calm it down. You're okay. Really.

NOTE: Anyone who replies to this entry telling me I should eat more if I want it, etc, is going to get an instant permaban from my journal. I do not want to debate about the validity of this entry's contents. If you want to post with support, that's fine, as it always is... but I will be severely PISSED if you try to coax me into "healthier" behaviors.

Give me another month or two and I will more than likely meet all the diagnostic criteria for bulimia nervosa.

That scares the shit out of me.

Feeling gross.
Stepped on the scale today and weighed in at 114.2. This is the highest I've been in about three weeks, at least.
I worked so hard to get down to the 111s-112s, and what did I do then? Started fucking eating myself out of house and home.
I'm also on my period, and I'm bloated and crampy, which makes me feel even more gross.
I ate too much last night, too. I went to the kitchen and started eating some Oreos (fat-reduced, but still 50 cals a cookie), and then had a fingerful of cereal... and then of course I lost my self-control altogether and had to have a large bowl of the stuff, with milk.
I know -- to any "rational" person this doesn't sound bad at all. But I ate somewhere around 850 cals yesterday, and I'm SO disappointed in myself. I was not supposed to eat more than 500, dammit!
And all this just because I started feeling a little cold, and freaked out, and knew that the only thing which would make my body temperature go up was food.

Next time, grow up and deal with it, you fucking baby.
You pathetic, fat, ugly baby.
Fatty fatty fatty.

Managed to eat just 406 cals yesterday, and did lots of walking around campus. I think that's an awesome start to my "new plans". :D

I have 190 cals with me to eat today before going home. So... wish me luck for today as well. ^_^

Well, here I am, sitting at a university computer on the first day of classes. I don't have my first class until 10, so I've got a good long while to browse/read if I care to. And then, of course, I have a break from 11-3. The same break I'll have every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for the rest of the semester. I do plan to be somewhat productive during some of these breaks -- walk around campus, go to the gym, go to the mall or downtown, etc -- but today is mostly an "I-need-to-get-shit-done" day. Plus I'm wearing a skirt, and it's drizzling out, so chances are pretty good that I won't be doing too much walking outside, at least. I may still walk around campus several times, though. Just because I can, and I want to exercise at least a little. ^_^

Today all I have with me is an apple and a banana. I'd meant to make a half-sandwich or measure out some cereal instead of taking a banana, but I didn't have time before I left, so whatever I could grab was what I had to grab. But bananas are okay, anyway. I have a bit of money, because my dad gave me $20 (w00t), so I'll be able to buy a bottle of water and, later, a bottle of Diet Pepsi; I also have several pieces of gum in my purse. So I think I'm pretty much set for the day. I like it. :D

The really big thing for me is to not eat a shitload of food when I get home. Lately I've been taking in basically all of my calories between about 5 PM and 1 AM, so my body is used to that and so is my wandering mind :/. However, I am doing everything I can to try and make myself busy in the evenings. I mean, yes, the computer might work for a little while, but it won't keep me entertained forever. I did get the idea last night, though, that I can watch TV and do stuff like in-place jogging during commercials, or bleed the jogging into the show a bit if I want. The rule is that I am allowed to sit, if I want, during the actual show, but during commercials I must at least stand, but I will move unless I am utterly and completely exhausted. This will keep me interested, since I can watch programs I like, and allow me to do some mindless aerobic exercise at the same time. I'm not really sure what else I can do at home, though... anyone have any suggestions? I have danced to music a lot in the past, but I find this tiresome after very short periods of time.

I'll go check out the university's gym on a day when I'm not wearing a skirt, like possibly tomorrow. I'm gonna see what sort of cardio and/or other fitness classes they offer and when, and check out the exercise machines, and that sort of thing. I may hold off on the first workout until Friday, so I can get a feel for the place first. (AKA, I don't want to look like a lost idiot when I go in for the first time. :P) I am excited to be exercising, though -- my muscles are pitiful, and it's about time I started strengthening and building them a little bit. I'm far too flabby/loose-skinned, anyway. I need to start toning really badly.

And yeah. Umm. Shall be time for me to buy that bottle of water soon, I think. I'm really dehydrated.

And thus starts day #1 of New Plans. I just hope I'm not trying to fly too high with this one -- because I really don't want this to come crashing down. I am in desperate need of some extra discipline and time-fillers, and all this seems to fit that need so well. It had just better not backfire.

Tonight is my eat-anything-I-want night, and I'm already up to an absolutely ridiculous number of calories -- more than I've had on any day since I began restricting in mid-April. But tomorrow, with the start of school, comes restricting again, with the addition of exercise (I hope). So I am allowing myself to indulge tonight, because tomorrow I plan to start the process of losing weight, and if I have my way the method will be utterly without mercy.

Wish me luck.

Today: Went to awesome barn with a friend. Weather was gorgeous. Didn't eat too much, and everything I ate was healthy. After going to the barn I vegged out on her couch(es) and chair(s) for several hours, before having a beautiful walk home, only to discover that my parents had lit a fire in the backyard. So after sitting in firelight, star- and cloud-gazing and talking to my dad, for awhile, I came back in for my last snatches at Internet time before possibly eating a little more and then going to bed.

This has been by far the best day of my entire summer.

Fuck yeah.

life in sevenfour time

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         wake
computeron peeweighrecord
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meds(eventually) food eatportioncarefully
computercomputer shouldikeepthatinohmygod
thoughtsoffoodweightcaloriesfoodcaloriesfoodfood
eat eat purgepurgepurgepurge
fatiguedizzinessrelief
checkpulseweak worryismyheartstillbeatingyesthankfulness
selfhateselfdefeat hatingfoodhatinglife
computercomputercomputercomputercomputercomputercomputercomputer
liedown lightsout thinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthink
        sleep
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Lost a bit more weight. Am far too happy about this.
Binged and purged last night, for the umpteenth time. Am far too okay with this.

I think I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm attempting to recover. Because this... is not recovery. At least I don't think it is.

This whole thing is really just confusing and wonky and strange.

It seems like all I know how to do anymore is count calories, eat way too much cereal and milk, and puke.

Clearly, I win at life. [/sarcasm]