How could I be so full of hope, happy and determined and so sure I was going to do well and be beautiful and lovable and have everything that I wanted -- and then crash down so hard?

Yesterday: I was fasting. I was sure I could lose weight. Willpower. Determination. I felt like maybe I could be beautiful, inside, out.

Today... well, I ate. A good amount at first. Then got displeased with my fat self just before going out to a birthday gathering for a friend, because my jeans are too fucking TIGHT and they made my love handles just pop out way more than they needed to, and it was awful, and I was overstimulated anyway because my sister wouldn't stop blasting her fucking music above my head, and I was tired because I'd only gotten four hours of sleep the night before, and everything was just horrible. And then I get to the gathering and of course there's nachos with this great dip and little two-bite triple chocolate muffins, and... FUCK!!! I really did not want to eat anything else, but I felt like I had to eat socially, and then of course I just dived right in because it was a comforting social thing, and I felt horribly awkward for awhile for various reasons, and... FUUUUUUUCK! Why am I so goddamned COE anyway??

I am the most gargantuan blimp on the face of this planet -- I am convinced. Even girls who have far higher body mass indexes than I -- girls who are really overweight, girls who are obese -- even they cannot possibly match myself in blimplike qualities. I might as well be swimming in the fucking ocean. Rename me the blue whale, and you will have some idea of the TRUE fatness inside of me.

I don't know how to describe the feelings in a way that doesn't sound completely stupid. I know that comparing myself to blimps and whales is pretty cliché. The truth is, that's not even the half of it. I feel like anybody looking at me must immediately KNOW how much of a fat, ugly, disgusting failure I am. They must look at me and laugh behind their eyes and whisper about me to their peers, giggling too loudly to ignore because they also think I am a deaf idiot and can't hear them at all. Only I do. I do. I can feel their criticisms, their judging looks, their stares, see the hands cupping mouths to ears, almost touch the hostility and negative feelings that flow towards me as they look at me. And all this they can tell just by LOOKING at me, I am positive, because my fatness MUST exude in waves and bursts and slap everyone in the face as they pass by. I am so huge that I am impossible to ignore -- impossible not to laugh at -- impossible not to hate and make fun of.

And don't tell me this isn't logical. I don't care if you don't think it's logical. I don't care if the whole fucking WORLD can't see what I see in myself. I see it, and so to me that means it MUST be logical, and it MUST be true. There is no way it CANNOT be true.

What I want to know, logically, is this: How can I possibly keep going on in a body like this, which causes me so much pain every time I look at it -- when I dress it in the too-tight clothing that fit me a few months ago -- when I go into dressing rooms and try on two sizes bigger and the pants are STILL too fucking small?? How can I even keep making myself eat, when I am alone and not accountable to anyone? It's a pure decision of LOGIC. I like food -- I really do. I WANT to eat. But everytime I eat I always end up feeling like this!!!

How can I keep doing this? Or can I even keep doing it??