THIS POST COULD BE TRIGGERING. You have been warned.


I'm in a state of mind right now where reading about some other girl's struggles with wanting to off herself (I think) on a certain LJ community, a girl I don't even know, is ridiculously and absolutely triggering.

Let me be honest. I have been having the worst OD urges possible -- last night, and now they seem to be starting again tonight. I think I just want my life to go away. And it bothers me that I can post how hard things are in a forum I frequent and have almost nobody comment, and someone else can post the same thing on another community and everybody actually gives a shit about her. I know that sounds incredibly attention whore-y of me, and who knows but that it might be in some respects. I want someone to get a fucking clue that NOTHING IS OKAY AND I AM SO FUCKING FED UP WITH THIS SHIT. So maybe it's not being an attention whore so much as... I wish that if more people knew about it, maybe one of them would know how the fuck to fix it, or say the right thing to make me okay again. Make me functional. But maybe that can't actually happen.

The counselling center tried to call me this afternoon at around 3, and I can't think of a reason they'd do so other than that they want to cancel my appointment for Monday. My appointment LAST Monday didn't go ahead, either, because apparently it wasn't even in the schedule -- and even then the receptionist said he almost certainly would have cancelled anyway, because he was in some sort of Very Important Meeting. I am getting rather tired of this bullshit. Maybe I wasn't exactly acute before, but things are clearly way worse than they have been, and I really think I at least need to go and talk to someone. I guess it's the on-call counsellor for me on Monday. Let's just hope it's not someone horrible.

I need to think of something to do tonight instead of pills, or even cutting. I'm supposed to go putting up posters tomorrow for an art festival I'm volunteering for, and it would NOT be cool if a cut came open and bled all over my clothes while I was walking. So there needs to be something else. What can I do???? Fuck me, man. I should not be trying to think of ways to self-destruct. And yet I can't seem not to think of it these last couple of days.

I don't even know why I'm writing this here. You're all just going to think I'm doing this for sympathy and "omg baby feel better" comments. But I think that what I said above stands. I wish someone here could really truly HELP me, but I know they can't, not like a professional could (and really should, I guess), but I just need somewhere to vent, or a lot of somewheres to vent. And maybe someone has been through this too and can understand. I don't know. I don't know what I want. My brain is starting to try and extend itself in about a thousand different directions all at once.

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