109.6 lbs today. Pleased that I've lost a little over 5 lbs in two weeks; but at the same time it doesn't feel like enough. I want to be in the double digits like NOW. You know?

I got a full-time job at FFP*; I started that on the 12th. I don't mind it, because a) I'm a vegetarian, so I don't eat most of that shit anyway; b) because it's in a mall, I can eat, or not eat, whatever the hell I want on my breaks and nobody notices; c) since I'm not trained in the kitchen I don't work in the kitchen, meaning that most of the food smells are far away from me, meaning I'm not really super tempted to eat the food most of the time. Plus it takes half an hour for the bus to get to the mall after a typical shift, meaning that if I did order food to bring home and b/p on, it'd be 50 minutes before I even got it home. Meaning that I don't buy it, because I don't want to eat it before I get somewhere I can purge, but after 50 minutes it's gonna be cold as fuck anyway, and reheated fast food = gross. So that temptation disappears as well.

The ED clinic has been calling me for the last few days, since I haven't gone to meal support in two weeks. I have tried to call them a couple of times, but got no answer. I may have to resort to leaving a message on their machine about how I don't want to come back; I would have rathered tell my care coordinator on the phone, but so far my work schedule seems to make me miss all her calls, and I have to tell them at some point soon. I'll go in for my dietician appointment on Wednesday if they want me to, but if they don't, I don't really care. I certainly don't intend to retake their EDI or whatever. I haven't decided yet whether I'll let them refer me to an OP dietician. On the one hand, I have no intention of following a meal plan; on the other, maybe somebody ED-knowledgeable should be at least monitoring my basic health. Of course, at some point I'd want the health monitoring stopped, too, more than likely, so there's probably no point at all. Maybe I could let them refer me and then decide later. Whatever.

To me, this is just... it, you know? I've tried so hard to get over my issues, to learn how to actually live, and I can't seem to do it. There's too much mental shit still holding me back, still making me feel, making me know, that what I am is not right within this world, this society. I just can't deal with it, or the mental torture of everything, anymore. So I have no intentions of stopping this, or of trying to stay healthy indefinitely. I just want this to continue until it comes to whatever conclusion it's going to reach.


*Fast food place