When I stop giving into various ED behaviors that I have relied on to regulate my mood, it never seems to fail that I become spectacularly depressed.

I lack interest in a lot of the stuff that used to interest me. Sometimes it will interest me for a little while, but left to my own devices I will usually start ignoring everything again after not so very long. I don't even like reading anymore, and reading used to be the one thing I always, always loved to do. These days I prefer watching television, or movies. I can sit passively and just stare at a screen that way. Plus I never have to use my brain to imagine the scenes, the characters, how it all fits together logically -- when I sit in front of a box and watch the pictures flash before my eyes, all the scenery and people and things are laid before me, and all I have to do is let my mind process what is presented to me. No brain work on my part. Said brain work has become, generally, too laborious for me -- too much of a chore.

I feel, most of the time, like nothing really matters all that much. And yet when things do matter, they matter so much that I experience overwhelming amounts of anxiety when I think about them. School, for example, is one thing that does cause me anxiety when I think of it a lot. A lot of the time I am convinced I'm going to fail at it yet again, and when I do fail I'll then never be able to get a real job, never get out of this hellhole I'm in, etc etc. But, most importantly of all, when I fail, people will start to look down on me, to realize my failure and think less of me as a person. People will start to dislike me, even hate me, because I am not good enough and not worthy of their affections. In fact, I don't really believe I'm worth anyone's affection even now. It's not like I've ever done anything good enough to be worth anyone's care or time or effort, anyway. It seems like mostly I just either squander or completely fail to appreciate what I get.

Half the time I can't tell whether I'm just tired, or whether I'm actually, truly depressed. But it seems like no matter how much I sleep, I'm always, always fucking tired. And I know that's a symptom of depression. I mean, I'm not stupid. I'm the one who spent hours and hours reading everything I could possibly get my hands on online relating to depression, borderline, eating disorders, whatever. I used to be able to recite the DSM practically verbatim. I'm not that obsessed anymore; but I haven't forgotten it, either. I feel like people condescend to me a lot... tell me things they think I should know, and might have known if I was smart.

And that's the other thing. I feel like whatever intelligence I used to have is basically gone. It's not as if my brain is being USED in any way right now. Complete idiots can do the same job I do right now; I'm not in school; I'm not taking lessons of any sort because I haven't got the money (and I probably won't have the money anytime soon). And yet when I actually try to use my brain, it does not seem to want to work. Is this depression, or is this just me being lazy and unused to actually thinking or working? I am, of course, always inclined to blame it on myself. Everything is always my fault. I am always the reason for my own lack of ability and drive -- the reason for my own fucking failure.

This is what it always comes down to: if no one can change this but me, then my brain tells me that the reason this came to be MUST have been my doing, even though I've never heard of a person who caused his or her OWN emotional problems. And there are certain people who think I should be able to put aside whatever emotional shit I have and just do the right thing and be acceptable and functional in society. Well, whoever actually believes that is a fucking asshole, because the reason I have fucking problems in the first place is because nobody cares about my damned feelings. All anyone cares about is that I be presentable, that I be likeable, that I just give in to what everyone else wants and never have any selfish demands or needs or wants or desires. That I never try to fulfill what I need or want, if that want happens to conflict with another person's want. Well, FUCK YOU. I'm so tired of believing in your fucking bullshit. There is no reason in the world that I shouldn't be able to do what I WANT.

Yet even as I type that, I know I don't have the self-confidence, or sense of self, required to actually stand my ground even the majority of the time if there's a conflict. I will give in to what the other person wants, then be horribly angry and depressed and beat myself up later on in private for it. That's what I always do. Because, deep down, I can't stand it when people hate me, and I'm always sure that if I disagree with them on something that is important to them, they will hate me. It's like I would rather put myself through hell than go through the even greater hell of being unloved and unwanted by ANYone on the face of this planet. I'd always rather have a lot of personal pain than the hatred of even one person around me. I don't know why it is so important to me that no one, absolutely no one, visibly disapproves of me; but it is. And I always seem to be willing to do anything at all to make sure that people do not hate me.


Comments are off because I don't want fucking common sense advice, and I know that's probably all I'll get. I am so fucking SICK of goddamned advice. It's all words, without a twinge of sympathy behind it, and none of it ever works anyway. All I want to know is that someone understands, or maybe even cares. I want... compassion. And I really don't understand why that is such a hard concept.