Binged. Purged. Took six diuretics -- four Pamabrom and two Aldactone. Feel fat as hell. It sounds stupid, but I take diuretics basically because they make me feel thinner... that, and I know they're probably at least somewhat fucking up my electrolytes and throwing my body's natural balance out of whack, which is also something I want, for whatever reason. I hold my breath when I take them, because they taste really really bad, and I drink them with the smallest amount of liquid I can get away with, because otherwise I feel like the liquid will take up all the space that the diuretics just drained, and the thought of it makes me crazy.

Lately all I want is pills pills pills. These herbal diuretics I see everywhere (who knows if they actually work or not, but I'd try them anyway). Maybe some more laxatives (I only have three left, which is no good for anything). More water pills. Diet pills, maybe. I haven't had the courage to buy diet pills or laxatives, but I'm getting there, I think. Eventually I'm sure I'll want them so badly that I'll say "fuck it" and just BUY them. Have considered things like green tea pills, herbal supplements of various sorts, mixes of this and that extract which supposedly stimulate the metabolism or suppress the appetite or generally make you lose weight. I don't know why I want weight loss pills, really, because I'm not all that willing to modify my diet such that I actually would lose weight. I guess maybe I just want assurances that I'm not going to gain a zillion pounds. And, of course, there's also my constant conviction that I'm more or less a beached Beluga whale -- white and grotesquely rotund and unfit to be gazed upon by the human race.


And the beat goes on