I am not going to purge this binge I engaged in at the movies tonight. I am also not going to eat yet again more, so I can purge my stomach completely empty afterwards and feel somehow better about myself.

Tonight I am going to sit with it. I am going to live with the consequences of my actions. I am not going to take the cop-out way of sticking two fingers down my throat, leaning over a toilet bowl, feeling that familiar and easy release. I am not going to fucking do it.

I'm tired of living my life worried about food. My aim is for three fairly balanced, fairly healthy meals a day, plus snacks whenever I need them. An evening one will probably be necessary. Essentially, I am trying to put myself back on the Homewood meal plan again, only minus some of the food bulk and probably some of the calories. The Homewood meal plan was 2000 cals easy, though, so I don't feel guilty about cutting out a few hundred. I can easily maintain my weight on something like 1800, and hopefully feel satiated as well.

I know that this whole normal eating thing is going to take quite a bit of time. There are days when I'll possibly not eat certain meals, or put off certain meals; there are certainly going to be days when I overeat, by accident or just because I can or in spite of the fact that I know I'll probably feel like shit afterwards. Thing is, it is very hard for me to actually, TRULY learn if, every time I make an overeating mistake, I simply purge it out and forget about it. That's not how normal human beings learn to eat less. Rather, they eat too much, get sick and full and feel gross, and the next time they want to eat the same things in the same quantities they remember how it felt before, then choose to do it or not, as the case may be.

I need... to do something about all this ED shit. Because I'm sick of relying on it as that cop-out thing I do, and I'm sick of obsessing about food, and I'm sick of that same old bullshit story that I HAVE to be thin to acceptable, that only thin people ARE acceptable, and that being thin is not only preferable to being overweight, but preferable to being a normal weight as well. It's all fucking SHIT, and I'm SICK of it!! It is NOT normal to diet yourself beyond your set point, any more than it is normal to binge or compulsively overeat yourself beyond it. It is not normal to be a weight that is abnormal on your frame. The weight on your frame doesn't even mean anything about the real fucking you... rather, it is a visible, pointed statement about your food habits up until this very moment in your life. I don't know who decided that your previous eating habits were complete indicators about your various personality traits, but it's a load of crap, and I can't believe people buy into this shit so often. Including me. Maybe especially me.

I want to be healthier. I want to have more emotions. I want to live, instead of just pretending -- going through the motions with a happy fucking smile even when I'm not happy. So maybe there are days when I won't be happy! So what??? People aren't supposed to be happy and placid all the time! That's not even the way human nature works!

I am so sick of society's bullshit. So fucking sick of it. And I am, one way or another, going to remove myself from all of this before it is too late, and it takes away significant chunks of my soul as well as my body and mind.

I WILL NOT. FUCKING. HAVE IT.