Tonight... I am tired. And also wondering if I will ever really, truly get out of this eating disorder for good.

Basically everybody I know, or used to know, with an ED still struggles with it at least some of the time. Probably the majority of them still have anywhere from mild to moderate to severe life interference, even today, from their eating disorders. What would make me so special, so lucky, that I would somehow magically be able to get rid of it where most of my other friends have not been able to? The answer, of course, is nothing.

I'm not quite sure I was ever able to truly shake off this disorder. Sometimes I sort of forget it exists -- but then I have a tendency to veer back towards COE, that disordered eating pattern I began to develop in the ninth grade, a pattern which, in times of so-called normalcy, never seems to quite leave me. I am a lot better at intuitive eating these days... I can usually stop before I become so chock-full that I am ridiculously uncomfortable or sick... but I still end up getting just a little too full too much of the time. It bothers me a lot, honestly. I wonder, too, how much of it really is a disordered eating pattern, and how much of carelessly overfilling yourself a little is just a normal eating behavior which happens to normal people sometimes.

But then I wonder how many people in this world really ARE normal eaters. I look around me and see just as many overweight, obese, or morbidly obese people as I do normal or underweight people. And, in fact, I would wager that there are more overweight and obese people around here than normal or underweight. So maybe most people I know will habitually, when they go to restaurants, eat until they are stuffed. But a lot of the people I know are also not normal weights. I'm not even judging at this point... it's just a FACT. So how can I possibly rely on their behaviors to be a cue for my own, when what I desire is to maintain my weight? I mean, they gained the extra weight somehow, so it seems to me that it is not wise to put my trust in their methods.

On the other hand, though, it is very very difficult to starve myself these days. Too difficult. I get lightheaded, cranky, tired; I have no energy to do anything; I cannot think or concentrate properly. None of these things are conductive to doing well in school, going to the gym, or having a social life. The last two, especially, are very troublesome to me. The lack of vitality, enthusiasm, passion -- the cloudiness of thought -- they are unacceptable to me when I have other important things in my life that need to get done. I probably would have pursued the eating disorder more while I was just working; now, though, I have my grades to think about, and I MUST do at least decently well or I feel that my whole life will go to shambles. I don't want to gain a shitload of weight, but if I want to be functional at all I probably can't lose a shitload of weight in a short time, either.

So then... what the fuck do I do? I don't even know. I'm still trying to figure that one out. Eat normally enough that I can eat socially, but rely on my hunger and fullness cues instead of overeating, but try to get some exercise in so maybe I can be less flabby, and then try to rein in my caloric intake just enough for me to slowly lose weight. Is that actually all POSSIBLE to do at once??? I have severe doubts. I really don't think it IS possible. At best, I think I can try to eat intuitively and healthily most of the time, and intuitively while socializing, and then I can exercise several times a week at the gym and hope that this somehow decreases the flab. Which it may or may not. Which bothers me... but it's such a complicated issue to work out that I may only be able to work on a couple things at once. In this case, perfection may just not be attainable, as I must pursue balance among all areas as opposed to zoning in on one area and letting the rest fall to the wayside.

Somehow, I have to teach myself the way to eat normally and mostly healthily and generally happily. Somehow. Without gaining a ton of weight -- without losing a ton of weight -- without giving into the ED behaviors in any way.

But can I even do this?????