I have a Latin quiz tomorrow, but I have not been studying nearly enough. I still couldn't tell you what most of the nine special adjectives are, or what any of them mean, and I have to know them all for tomorrow morning at 10 AM. God, I am so fucked. And I don't even care.

I have spent this weekend trying to digest less calories, but I have also been b/ping. I did it twice today, at least once yesterday... maybe I did it on Friday also? I can't really remember. I've been b/ping a lot more in general lately, too. Sooo I guess the ED is a bit strong. I would really love to just stay home tomorrow, say fuck the Latin quiz, and my lectures and my volunteering too... although I know I won't, and I'll probably freak out and study like crazy tomorrow morning (although I guess we'll see how much it helps). But right now I am just so exhausted, physically from the b/ping and mentally from the constant thoughts about food and the ED generally, that I simply do not give a shit about any of this school shit.

The thing is, the "school shit" is actually not so bad at the moment. I'm finally learning some calculus... and I got an A on my first psych exam, which I did NOT expect. I'm not quite sure why I'm suddenly deciding to fuck everything up by starting on the ED train again. It's like -- I have this HUGE struggle to get by in school, to try and learn everything, and then once I finally get some confirmation that maybe I know one or two things, I start completely ignoring my work and diving headlong into the bulimia again? I mean, what gives? I don't understand this at all. You'd think doing well in school would motivate me to want to stay healthy, so I could continue to get good marks.

And yet... some part of me really thinks that all this is a fluke, that one false step and all my "good" grades are going to slide out from under me and become the shitty grades I know are just waiting to pounce on me the second I slack even the tiniest bit. It still feels like so much pressure -- to perform, to do well, so I can have a high GPA, so I can get into the psych degree, and later on get into university jobs, grad school, etc. It's like trying to get skinnier, b/ping, not studying, are my ways of saying "fuck you" to this world that expects me to do EVERYTHING NOW, when I feel like I just can't cope, or am going to go insane from trying to.

So basically... doing well makes me self-destruct, so I can have an excuse if I do poorly in the future? That's some fucked-up logic right there. And yet it all happened without me even being aware of what the trains of thought actually were. I just had some instincts, some impulses, some unconscious feelings, all of which I acted on before any of that intellectual stuff kicked in. The problems only seem to occur either when things fall apart, or the intellectual side kicks in. Until then, I just ride the happy oblivion train and do whatever the fuck I like.

Sometimes I really bloody hate reality, you know that.