I'm really starting to think I'm truly, a little bit, depressed right now, even though I seem to have none of my most usual symptoms.

I tried to make a YouTube video today, and couldn't add any oomph to any of it. I played back not even 30 seconds and decided to can it. I hated looking at myself in that video, and not just because I thought I was fat. I simply could not understand why anyone would be interested in such a thing -- and why post it if nobody is going to be interested in it?

I'm not motivated to do a lot of things actually. This unfortunately includes school. It is very, very hard to try and make yourself work and study and do assignments when you simply don't care, and you'd rather laze around the house all day surfing the Internet, watching YouTube videos, talking to your friends on MSN, and listening to music.

I don't know what happened to me, really. I used to be academically motivated to succeed. I used to love learning. Now... I don't seem to care. Honestly, most of the time I wouldn't care if I ever went to university again. It's just that there's nothing else in the world that I want to do, either. I don't want to go to college -- I don't want to move out and get a job -- I don't want to spend the rest of my life in some shitty minimum wage job. Plan #2 wouldn't work, anyway, because you can't get any good jobs without either college or university (here college = trades and university = bachelors), and you'd have to make at least semi-decent money in order to be able to make it living on your own. And if there's one thing I have no desire to deal with if I can ever help it, it's roommates.

Anyway, all this is null and void, because right now I live at home and am doing university full-time, and I have to keep doing that until I get a degree of some kind. There really is no other choice, not unless I want one of the other options I wrote above, which I don't. I don't like anything I could possibly do, so I might as well pick the one that used to make me happy, or that is broader in terms of what I can do afterwards. I never did like the idea of absolutely, finitely being tied to one specific career or set of careers after graduation, which is something college would ensure.

I am just... tired of life. Really fucking tired of life. And yet I have to force myself to slog through it, because there is absolutely nothing else that I can do.

I wonder if this actually sounds like depression, or if these are just the ramblings of someone who's just really, truly realized how stupid and boring and meaningless her life is.