Crossposted from another site.


So I've been home for... what, nine hours? Less? And I've already b/ped. I'm here on a weekend pass, catsitting, as my family is out of town until Monday. I had a feeling that coming here was just going to unleash me in terms of b/ping, and so far that seems to be true.

Thing is, I know I could probably call M House and talk with whatever counselor is in now -- tell them I'm struggling, talk for awhile. But what would I say? That I feel sad, that I hate myself, that I wish I could be anyone but me, that I wish I could escape this stupid life? What good would telling them do? I mean, maybe calling would alleviate some of my loneliness, but part of the problem is that apparently I can't be by myself for several hours without doing something self-destructive, and it seems kind of ironic/counterproductive to call and have them attempt to bail me out of my own self again.

I have been suspecting that once I left M House I'd probably end up on the relapse train, and this only makes me suspect it even more strongly. I just don't know how to stop the train so it doesn't end up making a big fucking trainwreck yet again.