Okay, so... it's been a million years since I updated this. I guess I should, as a decent bit has happened on the ED front. I've been updating semi-frequently on a forum I'm part of, and it would be easier for me to just crosspost some of those entries instead of writing a comprehensive update here, so I shall do that.

Could be triggering.


July 14th, 2009

I feel myself wavering. I am weak, and ED is strong. I am fat, and ED could make me thinner. I am too much, too wrong, and ED could take away my self -- all the things that make me wrong.

I'm not relapsing, exactly... yet. I think it could happen. I think it wants to happen. I'm not sure yet whether it's going to win and actually have it happen. What I do know is that part of me doesn't really care if it happens or it doesn't, because it believes that life is meaningless anyway, so why not self-destruct as much as I want? But the other part of me knows this is wrong, and knows that once I'm actually eating and getting proper nutrition consistently, a lot of life seems so much better, and I have the potential to be happier.

Maybe all this is just happening because I've been depressed lately. It's certain that my b/p urges get WAY stronger when I'm sad or lonely. I just don't know how to combat this sort of depression. It's the kind I've had off and on since I was 15 years old. How the heck am I supposed to defeat it?


July 24th, 2009

Trying to lose weight again. Last time I weighed myself at gym the scale said 123.2, but that's probably ~2 lbs higher than my home scale would say. I'll have my home scale back in a couple of weeks, anyway, but for now I can live with the gym scale. At least I'll know if I'm losing, even if I don't know my "real" (unclothed morning) weight.

I've been eating at least 800-900 calories a day, anyway (I try to stay around 1000-1100 if I can, although I failed to do so yesterday), and I've been going to the gym. I've gone twice already this week, and I'm planning to go again today right after lunch. Burned 210c Monday and 310c Tuesday. Am hoping for a number similar to Tuesday's today. The workout is a good one: 150c elliptical, 100-110 treadmill, and then 50c rowing machine. I want to work out all parts of my body, so I get generally toned all over. I don't want to be "skinny-fat" again like I was the last time I was a low weight. I want to actually look like I do some exercise. The exercise also lets me eat more calories and still lose weight, which I prefer, since it gives me a clearer head and more energy.

Leaving M House and moving into my new place in 1 week and 6 days. Should be interesting to see what happens when I'm buying my own groceries, and have my days entirely to myself. Hopefully I can at least hold it together enough to have some mental clarity and energy. I guess we shall find out.

Later addendum: I'm losing weight because it's the only thing keeping me sane right now. And I still feel fat. I'm not saying it's 100% healthy, but I NEED it right now, and I'm trying to do it as healthily as possible while still losing the weight I need to lose. It's not going to be possible to do it entirely the healthy way, but I'm doing the best I can at the moment. If that's not good, well, it's not good. I'm not fussy about whether it's objectively good or not atm. *shrug*


July 30th, 2009

Been going to the gym a decent bit lately, and trying to keep my food consumption down as much as possible without being super extreme / having my food restriction noticed by staff. My weight yesterday on gym scale was 121.0, which is okay, but still nowhere near good enough IMO. I still feel fat as hell. I look at myself and see fat fucking ALL over me. Stomach, love handles, thighs... I hate them all. Even my calves and my arms could use improvement.

I just do not like this body that I'm living in -- this weight that I am -- and I have to change it. The time to put it off has passed. It needs to happen now. I told myself so many times that I should try recovery... that I could lose weight later, later, later. Well, "later" is here, and fuck it if no one else likes that. I need this for ME, and I don't care what anyone else thinks anymore. Let them say what they like. This is my life, and my body, and I have to live in it, and I'll do whatever the fuck I want. And, well, I'm 23 years old... who can really stop me?


July 31st, 2009

So yesterday more than one person told me I'm starting to look "a little too skinny". Wtf? How the hell is 5'3.5' and around 120 lbs too skinny?? I just can't see it. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

I HAVE lost inches these last few weeks, and I can see that; but to me I'm finally, finally starting to look right. I can actually wear some fairly clingy shirts now without feeling like my fat rolls are popping out everywhere. I actually sort of have a waist now. Why is this such a bad thing? Why is it that all of a sudden I'm now "too skinny"?

I just don't fucking get it. The moment I'm small enough to start having a bit more confidence about my own body, people start making comments like this. Seriously... I really can't fucking win, can I?

*heavy sigh*

To this entry, a friend commented: "If these people know your history they're probably just worried about where things are going. Which is fair enough really."


August 1st, 2009

I know one of them knows my history, and I'm about 85% sure the other one does, which made it even more awkward :|. I felt really guilty about it. I still do. The problem is that I can't seem to stop. :S

Weighed myself "officially" today -- my scale is at my new place, and I spent the night there, so this morning I weighed nude, right after I peed. It said 117.4. I should have felt accomplished, or at least some kind of happiness/relief, but I didn't. It almost didn't mean a thing to me. I knew it would be a number like that, so it was a very "meh" kind of moment. I suppose it is validation, at least, that people's concerns are accurate, and maybe my weight is starting to get a little too low for my body type. Again, though, this doesn't seem to stop me.

Like, I just don't know what the fuck it's going to take to stop this shit. I was at the hospital today visiting my friend who's on psychiatry for her anorexia, and I actually saw another girl there who I met at residential who's also there for her anorexia, and it wasn't fun. Actually, neither of them were very happy, and it wasn't hard to tell. I myself have NO desire to be in hospital whatsoever. Yet I know that if I continue to restrict, exercise, lose weight, eventually I might be headed for that myself. So WHY can't I stop? WHY, when all my logic is telling me, "You really need to start eating and maintaining now" am I still clinging to this stupid shit?

The terror of food is coming back, too. I was at my aunt's last night for her retirement party, and it was like torture. I managed to get away with not eating most of what was on my plate, and it didn't look like anyone really noticed, but I can't be sure of that. And when my cousin came over to my sister's friend and told her about all the desserts, I sat for a few seconds more and then fled from the house. I could not stand the thought of eating dessert after having consumed all that unwanted supper food. I know it wasn't "that much" food objectively speaking, but it seemed like massive towering piles to me. I was just completely and utterly afraid.

WHY is this happening? Fuck me. Seriously.


August 4th, 2009

So I saw my GP today, and she's referring me to the ED clinic and also sending me for bloodwork. The slip had about a million items written on it. I remember offhand that they included CBC, blood sugars (as I have to fast from midnight) and some sort of urine thing. Urinalysis = fun times??

My weight on Sunday, at home, was 116.4. Weight @ gym was 119.6. I think this is a decent indication that my scale at home actually is calibrated right, despite the assertions I've made in my head to the contrary. Time to face up to facts: I'm losing weight, and I'm only about 9 lbs from my lowest maintained weight. What. The. Fuck.

Anyway, I guess it's not making any difference what I objectively weigh / look like, since I'm still planning for restriction. Had coffee & water for breakfast this morning, and it looks like water & gum is going to be my lunch. I'm purposely spending an hour at the library before going back to M House instead of going on the 11:00 bus, because I can say my appointment ran late (I said before I left that it might) and then I don't have to eat lunch at the house. I am fucking pathetic. And this is fucking pathetic.


August 12th, 2009

Weight today was 113.6. I've only eaten 140 food cals (20 more from cream in coffee), and as a result I'm freezingly cold and vaguely weak right now. Oddly, I don't feel that hungry, but I will probably also end up eating later and purging. Lately I've been doing that semi-regularly :S. I don't binge, per se... I just eat a large portion of something and then purge it. I don't even want to full-on binge lately... I just want to eat, but I can't tolerate the thought that I'll gain any weight from it whatsoever, so I purge afterwards.

Haven't heard a thing from my GP yet. As I got my bloodwork done Friday, and it's been three work days for her since then, I can only assume this means everything checked out just fine, as I knew it would. I'm nowhere close to medically unstable at this point. Part of me is glad for that, but at the same time it also makes me feel fairly pathetic. How can I call this any sort of a real eating disorder when my BMI is still normal, and I still function okay, and absolutely nothing is actually physically wrong with me?

I don't know. This shit is starting to warp and twist my brain until I have no idea what's real and what isn't. The only thing I know for certain at this point is that I don't have a choice anymore. It simply causes me too much anxiety to even try to eat maintenance cals, much less gain any weight. Even typing that freaked me out. I am way too fat and I need to loseloselose. Fatty McFatty. -.-


August 16th, 2009

I am doing really fucking badly. 111.6 today. No signs that I'm going to be able to give up losing weight anytime soon. Today I've had a coffee with milk and sweetener, a 100-calorie mini golden Oreo cakesters pack, an apple, and oatmeal made with water. Writing that out makes it seem like I've had SO MUCH food, but it all adds up to less than 400 calories. And even that seems like a massive number to ED brain.

My mindset seems to be deteriorating rather quickly. This whole thing is starting to scare me. What the fuck is going to happen to me?

No word from doctor, or people from ED clinic who are supposed to call once the referral goes through. Gotta make an appointment with the doctor about something else, anyway, so within the next week or two I'll see her and find out what's up with it. I could really use more ED support than I have right now. Which is basically zero.

Oh, yeah, and I'm back to purging again. It started off with only eating and purging, but lately it's turned into more "real" binges. It seems to fill some other need that pure restricting does not. I still don't want to do it super often, but I seem to be doing it at least every other day now. Have done it 2x/day at least a few times.

Falling.