So I saw my dietician on Monday, and I was freaking out so much about how I was convinced I'd gained a bunch of weight that she actually took me to the checkup room and weighed me. The result? I was 52.1 kg. Which is only .1 kg up from my last weigh-in there, weeks ago. Which, essentially, means that I have not gained any weight.

This boggles my mind. Even when I was in the room I hardly believed it. ED brain rationalized it as such: The day I was 52kg, I hadn't had a BM that day, but the day I was 52.1kg I'd JUST had a fairly large BM, so maybe my weight was artificially lowered. However, my friend M (who also has an ED) told me that BM really doesn't weigh that much -- not enough to really make a huge difference in a weigh-in, anyway. But ED tells me it is not possible that I've maintained, because I'm such a fatass that I MUST have gained. I still don't understand it on a level of logic, and definitely not emotionally.

So if my weight is about 115 lbs on a dietician's scale, with clothes on and some food weight, that means I would probably weigh something like 112-113 lbs in the morning, nude. Which makes my BMI 19.4-19.5 (Dietician's charts would have me at 19.9.) 21st percentile for my weight and height. Logically, this may for me still be slightly low. For myself, however, I am PERFECTLY happy maintaining this weight. The dietician thinks my weight is healthy, so she's by no means pressuring me to gain anymore. If I did gain more, though, I doubt she would mind, if it was the result of healthy eating.

So, yeah... I'm still eating. It's sort of my own approximation of the meal plan most days, rather than the specific meal plan itself, but the total cals are probably not really more than the meal plan would have me at. The dietician would like me to think more in terms of nutrients / food groups and not calories, but old habits die hard. I simply can't think of all fruits as equal, or all veggies, or dips, or slices of bread. They're just NOT. Different calories (combined with nutritional content, like whole wheat vs white, etc) MAKES them different. I do, for the most part, try to vary my intake between higher and lower cal options; that is, I will have the higher-cal ones sometimes. I do at least TRY not to have higher-cal items be totally forbidden foods. I just don't want to eat them on an everyday basis. I don't see what's so wrong with that.

As for b/ping, I'm still doing it, but perhaps not quite as intensely as before. Sometimes the binges are smaller, at any rate, and sometimes I only purge once a day, instead of two or more times. Occasionally I even manage to skip a day. So, yes, I'm still bulimic, and possibly still too controlling over food, but I'm maintaining my weight, and the bulimia is slightly less intense, so I'm sort of improving? Or at least I tell myself I'm improving. If I don't I might convince myself to fall off the bandwagon altogether. And the thought of doing that scares me. (Though I still have many moments when I desperately wish I could lose all the weight again.)

I guess that is ED life at the moment.