So let's see... what's been going on? Groups are starting to wind down at the ED clinic. I missed the last two sessions of the body image group, anyway, but that ended last Monday; the wellness group's final session was last Tuesday. Emotions group is still going on every Wednesday until the 21st. Meal support is indefinite... as long as I'm still at the clinic in some capacity, I will need to continue to go to that every week. How long I keep attending meal support depends on if I want to continue to see a dietician at the program (in which case I'd do meal support), or if I'd rather be referred to a separate outpatient dietician (in which case meal support would end).

To be honest, I'm not sure what I want to do yet. I fear going without the support of the ED clinic, yet I'm getting a bit tired of being in treatment. In general, too, not just as it relates to the ED-specific treatment. My therapist and I have more or less come to a standstill, as I, in essence, get angry when we get into anything deeper, and just really really don't want to get into any of it. It has felt for the last several weeks like it was just making things worse to sit in her office, and not actually helping in any way.

And by this I don't mean that I'm unwilling to do the painful work. I mean that it feels worse to be there in a non-productive way. If it was actually me working through any significant issues, I would see the point in staying. But I'm not, and to be honest I can't think of any issues I haven't already talked about with her. Most of the work I have to do now (I think) is learn to live with the hand in life that I've been dealt, and try to see things more positively. Which a) I CAN do somewhat on my own now, and b) I don't think my T can help me with anyway, because that's not the kind of therapy she does. She's psychodynamic, not CBT/DBT/whatever. And I feel like most of the work I have left to do really is more CBT-esque.

Everybody's got shit in their lives, but not everybody needs to see a therapist, or do treatment programs. My ED is not completely gone, maybe, but it honestly is miles better than it was 6 months ago. And right now I am not willing to give up bulimia, and the only point in staying at the ED clinic would be to give up bulimia, so it's hard for me to see any point in staying much longer. I'm eating, and at a normal weight, and I know how to eat healthily, and yadda yadda yadda. I am not suicidal; I rarely cut; my depression and dysthymia are both much better; my anxiety is (mostly) under control. So why do I need to talk about "deeper" issues that only serve to upset and destabilize me? It seems like I am far more stable, and able to function in my life, when I am working on trying to feel more positive about things, instead of diving into things that upset me, and feeling so upset that I can't see anything positive anymore.

So... I am decreasing sessions with my T, to once every two weeks. I am only going to the ED clinic once a week, aside from dietician appointments. I'm scared, as I said, but I also feel like it's time. Time to try it on my own, and see what happens. I mean, it's not like I don't know where the supports are, or how to access them again if I need to. And it's not like I'd be quitting anything altogether, either. I just need... space. I need a break. And so I am going to try and take as much of a break as I can take.