Extremely triggery in multiple ways

I am extremely self-destructive right now, and have been for the last few weeks. I'm not drinking any hydrating liquids, am restricting myself to non-nutritious foods, and am taking a goodly amount of Ex Lax every day, meaning I'm basically on the pot all the fucking time. I am cutting as well, although I don't exactly do it every day... but I do it on purpose to make ugly, jagged wounds that will leave ugly, jagged scars.

I think about suicide... a lot. I have been researching methods, trying to find something as quick and painless as possible, but so far haven't come up with any that I can easily get my hands on. I DO have other methods, but those would likely involve a great deal of time and/or pain. I'm on the fence about killing myself, still. There are moments when I REALLY REALLY want to, but more when I essentially have a death wish, but can't do anything to actively bring it about. The only thing I've got right now is this whole trying-to-lower-my-electrolytes shit.

I just keep sitting here silently wishing, begging, to die. I wish over and over again that my potassium will go low enough that I'll have a heart attack, or stop breathing in my sleep from muscle weakness. I'd be more okay with that than some other ways of dying right now. At least it would take me by surprise -- I wouldn't realize I was dying till the last second, so I wouldn't have time to dwell on it. Dwelling on it is what makes me ambivalent. I guess, in a way, I'm trying to cheat my own mind.

I am depressed, I guess. That much has been established. My psychiatrist has already increased my Effexor to 112.5, but so far I basically see no change in my apathy, or my self-destruction. I see him again in a little over a week. I can only imagine he'll want to bring me up to 150, since my head is so completely fucked right now. I don't have any idea what else he could or would do. At this point, honestly, I hardly even care.

I just want this stupid life to be over with...