So over the last day or two something... I dunno, shifted in my head somehow. I'm not entirely sure if it's the med increase working or not, but I do know that I feel much more restful, less self-destructive, and more like I can actually enjoy things in life. I actually feel like being social and doing things sometimes, which is a far cry from the last many weeks, when all I wanted to do was hide out in my place and be alone. My guess is that it's the med, but, like I said, I'm not sure. It's a good change, though. I guess I feel more like "myself" again.

What does scare me is how something changing in my physical brain can bring alllll this other shit out again. It's startling how quickly and easily I fall back into it all again once my head shifts. Makes me realize afresh that there is a part of this that I really can't just "fix myself" or pull myself out of -- I seem to really need the meds. Which is both frightening and relieving at the same time. Frightening because I could easily slip back down at any time -- but relieving because the medication can and does truly help. I certainly know what side of the med debate I fall under now.

I have been, truly, just acting on how I felt. And I felt very apathetic and hopeless and nihilistic and all the rest of it. I enjoyed nothing the way I used to; I wanted to seclude myself; I felt I needed and deserved every bit of self-destruction. And it still feels appropriate for me to have acted on things the way I did, even though to a "logical" or "well" person none of it would have made any sense. The only reason I'm not as self-destructive as I was is simply because I feel different. I did not change my mindset, or do any CBT type stuff on myself. I simply feel different. Which I guess is how I've always seen getting better, anyway -- you try to get better because you feel better, not the other way around. No one could possibly have talked me out of that mood/mode I was in, but the med has been able to help where no words could possibly have helped. I simply felt the way I felt, and that was the end of the story for me. You know?

Anyway, it's a bit better now, so I guess no one needs to worry, or whatever. Not that I was ever particularly worried about it myself; but I guess you don't worry when you're apathetic.