Or maybe recovery is not possible. Or, rather, it is only possible when I maintain within xxx and xxx lbs, and if I go too close to xxx lbs I HAVE to restrict and lose the weight again, especially if I've gotten there through comfort eating / general gluttony instead of gaining weight in a healthy way. Since I can't seem to stick to healthy weight loss -- not that I'm sure this would even be applicable in my case, because even now my weight is still within the low end of normal -- I have to do it the disordered way.

I just can't let this shit go. Mostly because of what happens when I do let it go. I comfort eat -- I gain weight -- I freak out -- and then restrictive ED gets triggered all over again. And I simply don't see a way of ending this cycle in a healthy way without going back to some sort of treatment, which I have absolutely NO intentions of doing (and no time for anyway). So... ED is how it's going to have to be.

It's not really okay, yet at the same time it is. It's okay because I finally came to an acceptance, a couple of months ago, that someday this might kill me. And I do mean acceptance -- all the rebellion, anger, despair, desperately running around trying to fix it, all that has gone away and been replaced with calm. One might even call it peace. I've done basically everything I can think of to try and fix this, short of ripping open my soul and once again falling into an immense psychological/psychiatric breakdown, and it just hasn't worked. The long and short of it is that I NEED the ED to function even semi-normally, and if I don't have it, I really will fall headlong into yet another horrific breakdown, because that seems to be how my mental fucked-up-ness plays out. And I just can't deal with the breakdowns anymore. If I have to die of one or the other someday, let it be ED, please. Because, on the whole, the suffering with ED is honestly much, much less. I would rather deal with bulimia and restriction than live with constant suicidality and soul agony.