Day 3 at the house... it seems to get slightly harder every day. ED, of course, is constantly, or near constantly, chattering in my head about everything I "should" be doing that I'm not doing -- namely, binging, purging, and restricting. Of course, I am not currently listening to that voice; but it gets extremely tiresome and frustrating to hear it constantly yapping and yammering in my brain. I get about 3290583958 urges a day to do something ED. At this point I know that voice is probably not going to quiet itself for long in the next few days, or probably even the next few weeks. It's something I'm just going to have to ride out, and just yell back at to SHUT THE FUCK UP every time it gets particularly annoying. No matter where I had gone for treatment, it would have done exactly the same thing... if in fact I had been able to GET to any other treatment anytime soon, which is doubtful at best. So it's a really, really good thing I was able to go to M House now. It really is.

One thing I have found an invaluable resource is "Life Without Ed". I had previously refused to read it (at least within my own head) because it really seemed like the cliche recovery book to me, and for that reason alone I wouldn't touch it. I have this thing where if something is EXTREMELY popular, and everyone constantly talks about it and gushes over it, there's a really good chance I just won't go near it because all the hype annoys me so much. Anyway, I* happened to have it here, so I thought I would actually try reading it, especially since I've never really read any kind of ED book (recovery or not) with the honest, full intention of using it in a good way. And I'm glad I let her give it to me to borrow, because it's honestly AMAZING. I feel like so, so many chapters basically describe my exact headspace, or way of thinking. She was both anorexic and bulimic, and I suppose in a way I have been both myself, so it's GREAT. I would honestly recommend it for anybody with an ED, though, not just someone who has a "combo" like I have/had. I realized that for awhile I have already conceptualized ED the way she does, except that I don't put a gender or any sort of human face on ED. Instead, ED is kind of a shapeless, faceless shadow in my head that lurks around and tells me lots of ludicrous bullshit about myself. In many ways I can, now, distinguish the ED voice from my own mind, so when the ED voice starts blabbing and won't shut up, I yell at it to go away, as I said before. It my only listen for a short time now, but there will come a time when it will be silent for longer and longer periods. I know this first-hand, as I've experienced it multiple times. But I'm DETERMINED not to relapse this time. NO MORE FUCKING BEHAVIORS.

Anyway, I'm out of computer time now, so I must go. I'll try to update when I can, although I must confess I may not be able to read any threads. Right now, reading anything involving active self-destruction is simply too upsetting and triggering for me, and I can't do it. Part of my recovery, by necessity, is going to involve phasing things like my regularity on self-harm and eating disorder places out of my life. I can't get better from an addictive-type behavior, or a set of such behaviors, if I'm constantly reading about it and focusing on it and remembering the million and one reasons I used to do it in the first place. You know?

I'll update again when I can.