Weight today was 103.8... up a pound from yesterday. I seem to be gaining weight like crazy. I mean, when you consider that on about the 20th I was at 96.4 lbs, 103.8 IS quite a high weight to be at. But I am aware that at least 1-2 lbs of this weight is rehydration, and I may also be retaining some water. Still, though, the gain is really hard to deal with mentally.

However, I am going to be doing something that is probably/likely/hopefully going to help with this. You see, I have decided to go back to M House for at least another month or two. I've already talked to my old social worker / counselor there (I*) and written up the goals I want to work on, and she's talked to the other social workers and some of the staff, and they all thought it sounded like a good idea. Plus they actually have beds free now, which they don't always. So I'm set to come in next Tuesday afternoon.

I know that this announcement probably sounds like it's completely coming out of left field, but it actually makes a lot of sense. The funny thing was, it was my dietician's idea. I had been telling her that it wasn't that I didn't want to give up binging and purging, but that I just couldn't, and I explained to her why. Basically, the reason is that I can't deal with all the emotional fallout, plus the other urges that I know would probably come after ED was gone (like cutting, suicidal ideation, etc). So then she said, "Well, why not stop binging and purging and go to M House?" I sort of brushed off the suggestion at first, but then I was like... "Wait now. What if I actually DID stop b/ping, and then I checked into M House to deal with the fallout?"

It was seriously like she had thrown a load of bricks on top of my head, the idea hit me so hard. For months and months I've been thinking that I was never going to find anywhere that could treat both my ED and the underlying stuff, and help me deal with urges of all kinds, including self-harming type ones. And the truth is that M House doesn't "do" eating disorders, at least not per se. But they know me quite well, since I spent four months there two years ago, and I also know them, so I know that they actually can help me deal with all the underlying stuff, and probably pretty well.

As for the ED... well, I have made a commitment to myself that once I am there, I am throwing ED out the fucking window, and whatever happens happens. The idea of going back is that I stop all the behaviors, more or less (I recognize that I will probably have slips, but I don't intend to let them become relapses), and then use the 24/7 support system of M House to deal with whatever random and/or horrid bullshit comes up once I do so. One of my goals, the first one of three, is very specific: a) "Eat 3 square meals + 1-2 snacks a day [and adjust plan if dietician says I should]" and b) "NO binging and/or purging. Work with staff to cope with urges instead of using ED behaviors." I had to write it exactly like that, because a) could so easily be manipulated if I had said "3 meals" (I could make them smaller) or "1 snack, 2nd snack optional" (no 2nd snack on days I feel 'fat') or even "1 night snack" (because then if I have a snack at afternoon & want another one at night I will fight with myself about having it, etc). And with b) I had to write and/or instead of just and, because then I could decide "Oh, well, I can still purge just this once" or "Oh, if I binge this one time but don't purge it's not so bad". NO. I need to stop ED in its fucking tracks, and not let it warp me and twist me around this way. So the little things may not seem so important, but they really really are.

That being said, though, I've also agreed to go back to the IOP program for at least a few things, like a couple of meal supports a week, the dietician (well, I guess that one's a given), probably family therapy, that sort of thing. I may also ask to redo body image group, although it's psychoeducational and I don't generally like those sorts of groups... but body image is most definitely something I need to work on again, and so I probably should anyway, even if I've heard all the material before. I want to do the family therapy basically because my parents don't really know the full extent of the ED, and also because we just don't talk about any part of it, ever, even when the signs are ridiculously obvious (like the last couple of times I lost weight, etc). This whole shame and secrecy thing I've kept going is something I really need to work on, and I'm hoping this is going to be a start. Not to mention that I'd like to dispel some ideas my parents seem to have about my mental illness(es) in general, such as that they thought it would all just "go away", and I'd never end up in hospital again, and blah blah blah.

I do know that once I'm in M House, I am going to do anything and everything in my power to avoid not feeling, whether consciously or unconsciously. I suspect there's going to be a lot of anxious blanking out and dissociation happening, which I'm probably going to need to talk to I* about, since she may need to remind me of what we'd been talking about, or ease off if it gets too bad, etc. But I'm not going to let anything, be it behaviors or urges or just plain shit I can't control like dissociating, stop me from dealing with my crap. As I said to I* when I met with her on Wednesday, I am just sick of all this disordered shit, and I know that in order to get past it I have to go through it. I've been avoiding and numbing and binging and purging my feelings for so, so long, and it hasn't helped anything -- if anything it's gotten worse. If I am to actually live again, and not just exist as a chronically disordered person, I have to deal with all the things I've been avoiding thinking about and dealing with. I have to feel -- really, truly feel. And it is terrifying. But I HAVE to do this.

So that's basically the essence of it. I want to beat ALL these fucking disorders, and get my goddamned life back. I'm sick of wasting my time on disorders. I AM GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE, SO FUCK YOU, ED. I won't be your slave anymore.