Had another fucking slip last night... had a mini binge, and then purged. I decided I really REALLY wanted some Kraft Dinner last night, so I started making it, but maybe halfway through it cooking figured out I wasn't actually hungry. Rather than just not eating it, though, I was craving it so badly that I had a rather large bowl. After that I couldn't get the thought of b/ping out of my head, especially because I had (stupidly) gone and read the Purgatorium on LJ (a bulimia community), and it made me remember all the comfort and fun I used to get out of bulimia, and it really made me miss it. So both of those things combined with feeling lonely and kind of hating my life lead me to eat the rest of the box of KD, and then purge.

Of course, after I did it I felt like complete shit about myself, and got really pessimistic about my ability to actually stay in recovery once I leave M House. However, the rational part of me can see some things that I can change in the future so I don't find myself in this situation again, such as actually taking all the KD out of my house (since it was a binge food, and I have at least 7-8 boxes in my cupboard), making sure I have no other triggering foods in my house (like the bunch of chocolate my sister brought to me from my mom for Easter), not going on sites like the Purg, etc. So... I don't know. Part of me really really REALLY wants to b/p again, because that addict in me wants it so fucking badly, but the other part of me is planning what I can do so I don't slip again, or at least not in the same way. I guess I just... don't get my mind right now.

I need to actually think, and write, in detail about all the things I fear happening once I leave M House, and all the things that are bothering me lately. Once I do that I may be able to think of solutions that just aren't coming to me with it all swimming around in my head, popping in and out seemingly randomly. I just wish writing about my life and what bothers me was easier.

There are times when I really, really hate recovery. Unfortunately, this is one of them emoticon. But I have to keep going on.... I can't NOT go on. This is my life, and if I don't work at making it better, and keep myself on track generally, nobody else is going to. And that's the shittiest part of all about it. I don't get a break, and I can't have one, because recovery is not just something I can enter and leave whenever... it is built into my LIFE, and that is an inherent trait about it. I literally cannot escape it, much as I may want to sometimes. And I am definitely itching to escape it lately.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.