Okay, so... up until a few days ago, I was doing really really well. Like extraordinarily well. But in the last couple of days my mindset has started to slip a bit. I had the experience of a renewed intensity in my belief about being fat, being horribly disproportionate, having a ridiculously fatty and bulgy midsection, etc etc. This in turn has led to a lot of self-hatred, which I think is what's been leading me into the more volatile, negative moods I've been having.

It didn't manage to creep into my eating patterns until today, though. Today's breakfast was not the usual (a large bowl of higher-calorie cereal with soymilk and a coffee with creamer) because I had no cereal I wanted to eat in my apartment (I'm home on an overnight pass); instead of it was a bowl of oatmeal, a slice of ww toast with peanut butter, and about half a coffee with almond milk. Calorically, this is at least 100-200 calories less than what I usually have for breakfast. Then I delayed snack by at least an hour... though I did have a fairly normal-sized snack, as calorically it was about the same as my usual snacks. However, my supper was missing any fruit or veg exchanges (I usually have at least 1-2), and I don't have any desserts here, either, so I didn't eat dessert. And now it's around when I would usually have snack if I was hungry (I am), but for some reason I'm not letting myself have anything.

I just... I don't understand why I'm being so stupid. I KNOW I need to eat, and I know it's incredibly ridiculous, not to mention dangerous, not to eat all my exchanges, especially when my hunger cues are still not fully operational yet. (I do generally know when I am hungry [though not always], but it's a very rapidly onsetting hunger, and if I leave it alone for more than half an hour or so I get really weak and fuzzy-brained and stuff.) Physically, I feel rather crappy at the moment, since I DO feel fairly weak and fuzzy-brained. And yet... I can't challenge it right now, or maybe am choosing not to, because the emotional fallout and anxiety from forcing myself to eat more would be more than I can handle right now. I self-injured the other night, and it was because I hated myself so much, and felt so awful, that I felt like I deserved it, and needed to do it. I don't like that horribly intense, destructive headspace, and I can't deal with it alone... and right now I guess I don't feel like the staff at M House could do enough for me to keep it at bay right now. I feel like even with their support (talking to them, etc) I would not be able to get rid of this thing, or properly fight it whatsoever. I just... can't do it.

I fucking hate my stupid motherfucking brain.