I couldn't think of a way to do a good "summary" update, so I'm just giving you the last update I wrote on my forum. If anything doesn't make sense, feel free to ask me about it.
Today's weight: 98.2 lbs. BMI: 17.
Have talked to two different people about residential treatment in the last two days... with no outcome except that M (my care coordinator from IOP) wants to talk to my psychiatrist (we'll call him Dr. K), and also wants to have sort of a team meeting, so that she, K (dietician), I*, and someone from the housing team I live under can all meet with me and talk about things. They have to decide if there is somewhere else they could recommend I be funded for, and also decide if I've actually "tried everything else" (if I haven't, they can only present me with accepted run-of-the-mill options which may not actually meet my needs at all). If they don't recommend funding for another place, it's basically a what-to-do-with-me meeting.
Personally, I either want proper treatment, or I want to be left the fuck alone to just get on with it. I am seeing everything very very extremely right now, likely because it's so much easier emotionally than trying to accept the shades of grey. The problem is that first I went into crisis mode (all the suicidality, the hospital visits, etc) and then I went into self-saving mode (the restriction), and right now I don't feel like there mentally IS an in-between. If I stop restricting now, or I do anything "wrong" within the restriction, I will go completely fucking mental. I've actually managed to prove this one to myself, because there have been a few times when I just didn't want to purge, or I wanted to eat extra, and I simply could NOT do either one, because my head immediately started going totally and ridiculously crazy. I mean, good Lord... what am I supposed to do when any behavior that's not anorexia makes me suicidal? Seriously??
M thinks, and I agree, that I essentially need treatment for two separate things at the same time: the eating disorder, and then the 'borderline' stuff. But I don't believe there's anywhere in this country actually capable of meeting both my needs at once, and the problem is that if they can't, they can't actually meet either of my needs. The only alternative to this proper treatment is starving until I am forcibly hospitalized or I die... and, well, in the case of forced hospitalization I would still go completely crazy, but I suppose at least there they could tranquilize me with lots of drugs.
Just... everything is so, so completely fucked up, and I hate my life and everything about it. I wish I was fucking rich so I could just go to goddamned America and be done with this fucking treatment bullshit. I NEED proper treatment, and even M said I deserve that, so what's the fucking problem here???
I fucking hate bureaucracy.
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