Dietician appointment in a little over two hours. My ridiculous physical symptoms of yesterday (heart going nuts every time I stood up or walked anywhere) seems to be gone today, so I guess I don't have to worry about getting vitals done or some shit. Not that I'm convinced she would do it, but anyway. To be honest I don't even see the point in going, because I don't honestly see how I can up my cal intake at this point, and that's pretty much why I would visit an RD at this point. But I guess it's good to keep some sort of connection with someone who actually knows about EDs. It might be helpful later on, too, if I actually try to get into residential again, which is something I'm seriously thinking about.

The problem is that in Canada, there are extremely few options when it comes to residential eating disorder treatment, and any inpatient treatment is basically reserved for only the most emaciated, death-bed anorexics (like programs in true hospitals). I've already been to Homewood, and I know another stint wouldn't help me again for various reasons. They diagnosed me as anorexic and yet put me on a weight maintenance contract; they have NO individual therapy (what kind of treatment facility has no individual therapy??); they allowed me to gain 18 lbs in 5 weeks when I was supposedly on weight "maintenance"; I could go on and on. But it's not going to help this time partially because of the lack of individual therapy, but also partly because they absolutely do not support suicidality in the program. In fact, I had to be three months three of a suicide attempt before they even let me in. Not to mention that if you cut even once there it was a dealbreaker -- as in, they could dismiss you from the program for doing it. Which is SO ludicrous, because so many people with ED issues also have self-harm issues, and a facility as supposedly great as Homewood should be able to deal with it without one cut being a fucking dealbreaker. I mean, how stupid is that?

Another facility I've been considering is Bellwood. This one is in Toronto proper (Homewood is in Guelph, about 45 mins outside Toronto) and is based on the 12 steps. Obviously, most of the programming there is for addictions. I sent them an online message about whether they have individual therapy, can deal with clients who traditionally get suicidal when not having their addiction/ED (because I do consider the ED an addiction, or certainly addiction-like), and whether they can handle people with borderline traits. I also requested that if they could not do these things, if they could recommend somewhere that could. I don't know how long it will take them to get back to me, but I hope they can actually tell me something helpful, because where treatment is concerned I'm seriously at the end of my rope.

I've done M House twice (first time for four months, which is the full stay, and the second time for almost two). I'm doing the ED IOP program for the second time, now, and am doing far worse in it now than I did last time, although admittedly I had a much better start. But things have deteriorated ridiculously. I've lost 10+ pounds with no signs of stopping, I'm taking laxatives every day, I intentionally don't drink liquids I think will hydrate me (basically any drink without caffeine). I still get ridiculous SI urges, but I've been able to ignore most of them. The suicidality is just being kept at bay by the self-harm/dehydration with laxatives. It's just... I don't know how much longer this extremely unstable balance is going to hold. I do know that sooner or later, something will give, and more likely than not I'll either end up in a hospital (which I HATE), dead, or permanently injured somehow. I loathe every single one of those options, actually, but I can't seem to avoid it when I get, or am getting, in truly awful states of mind.

I really do have a very strong mind, you know. I endure a lot more mentally than probably many other people could. But it's because my head has been so full of SHIT and distortion my whole life that my mind has naturally had to be stronger, to cope with it all. It's not some wonderful gift someone bestowed upon me, and I take zero credit for it. If someone has to lift increasingly heavy weights his or her own life, every day, eventually that person is going to develop really great upper body strength. And it may seem awesome to someone looking in on it, but that person remembers the weights, the every day, the strain, the muscle tears, the pain, the stiffness, the suffering of it all. In the end, the final product looks completely different from what it took to actually get there.

I dunno if I'm making much sense anymore. Just that... I want OUT, so badly, and I was desperate enough to email Bellwood for myself, and hopefully I'll ask about more options when I see my dietician today. All I really want is like a comprehensive list of residential (or even inpatient) treatments in Canada that don't require you to be an emaciated anorexic on your deathbed. So far I only know of three residential places, and one is private and extremely kooky (and I wouldn't qualify anyway, because they don't let you in if you already take medications, and I can't stop my meds or baaaad things will happen). The two IP places I know of are the ones that only take emaciated anorexics. Soooo... I don't know yet, but I guess I'll find out sooner or later. I hope I will.