Okay, so... a lot has happened since I last wrote. I ended up getting really suicidal about the eating disorder (had gotten down to 93 lbs with no end in sight, wanted desperately to eat but couldn't, & thinking everybody looked at me and thought I was ugly and awful because of how small I was), which... you guessed it... eventually led to me having to go to the hospital. I was in the short stay unit from Friday to Monday last weekend, then got transferred to the general hospital's psych ward (HSC) on Monday so I could do the eating disorder protocol. And this time they actually stuck to their word... so I started the protocol officially (as in I and the dietician had signed the bastard thing) on Wednesday night at supper.

I am getting to a really tough place mentally, now, because the increases are happening SO FAST, and there are so MANY of them. Plus when I left the choice about snack up to the dietician (because I was never going to say yes) she decided to have me start HS (evening) snack TOMORROW. Plus my belly is bloated most of the time, as my BMs are still not quite regular (& I spent 6 days with no movement), and I'm convinced I've gained like 2125322650 pounds, and every meal makes me feel worse, and increases the horrible awful fat feeling like 100 fold. I am really not enjoying myself, I have to tell you.

The problem is... I know I need it. I do. My vitals haven't been dangerous most days, but they certainly fluctuate a LOT, and there were two days when I had orthostatic tachycardia for real. (Heart rate jumped way too much when I stood.) My hands are shaky, which apparently has been getting better (though I didn't really think about it till like yesterday - but the doctors have been noticing it awhile, it seems). I get these fucking AWFUL headaches, complete with photosensitivity and possible sound sensitivity, which I've had three of in the last week and never had before that in my life, and which the doctors think might be migraines. My mind was extremely cloudy for the first few days here, and I spent a lot of my time in bed because I was SOOO fucking tired. With the food I have, at least, gotten more energy and mental clarity (and memory), and they say that the overall pattern is that my vitals are improving, which is good. It's just that physically getting better only allows me to think more and freak out more, which makes my mental state way, way worse.

And here I am lying down for vitals again... I have to get them lying and standing twice a day. Which is sort of annoying, but definitely necessary, as I've seen. My hospital weekdays are pretty full up, usually, until I finish supper supervision at around 6 or 6:30 (one hour of supervision for meals, and soon-to-be half an hour for snacks). But after that... and on the weekends... it gets so incredibly boring here. I try as best I can to occupy myself with books, TV, movies, and of course my phone, which luckily they let me keep... lucky for my sanity, anyway.

Just thought I'd update a bit about where I am right now, physically and mentally. Should go rest more now before vitals. Bye bye.