Okay... I'm just going to c/p my Xanga update from yesterday onto here, because I don't feel like writing a brand-new entry. Some of this is a summary of older entries here, since Xanga hadn't been updated in a long time.

++++++++++

I just spent three weeks inpatient, from the ED making me suicidal... I was on the ED protocol at the general hospital psychiatry ward for a little over two weeks. I have only been out for five days and have already managed to lose over a third of the weight I gained in there, & I'm already back into ED mode a good bit (though perhaps not quite as extreme as before I went in). The problem is that I know it isn't going to get any better from here... in fact, it's likely to only get worse. I am resisting the ED brain as much as I possibly can, but that only means I might allow myself to eat two small meals a day instead of just 1 meal. It definitely isn't enough -- I was on 3 meals 2 snacks IP, at the end, and I still only gained a pound in the last week. If I was hardly gaining (at such a low weight for me) on that much food, it's pretty definite that I'm going to lose on 2 meals a day or less, especially since one of those meals is breakfast. My metabolism is up now, which is a good thing to ED, but bad in terms of my weight/health at the moment.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everything I know to get over this stupid shit, and nothing has worked. I can't just go back inpatient now that I've signed out... they probably wouldn't let me in, anyway, since I haven't lost all the weight yet and I'm not currently suicidal. Not that I care, to be honest. I don't WANT to go back there. The unit was incredibly overwhelming, and if I couldn't be by myself / in a quiet space for a decent bit of time each day I would flip my shit and start barking at people, etc. I also cried numerous times because I simply couldn't handle the stress and frustration of everything in there. If I couldn't handle it a week ago, I certainly won't be able to handle it now. No... I reckon the only way I'll ever end up back on the ED protocol is if I get forced in.

I'm tired of people telling me I have so much potential, blah blah blah, only for me to come out of the place where people told me those things, go back to my real life, realize that my life sucks, and jump or slide right back to my illness(es). I have figured out that the only reason live-in anything works better than when I'm on the outside is because when you live in a treatment center you have constant structure and support, not to mention that you're never alone. At home, I am alone almost all the time, and the encouragement is... sparse at best (and often nonexistent). Not to mention that when it comes to ED specifically, I have to cook all my own meals, which involves buying the right groceries, taking time to make recipes, and then sitting down at proper times and serving meals to myself with sides, a caloric beverage (!!), and possibly dessert (suppers). When you add all those disadvantages up and take into account how extremely fragile my hold on recovery was anyway... is it any wonder I couldn't keep all the momentum I built up in IP?

Oh, yes, and finally I will mention that the ED OP clinic won't take me back unless I can prove I'm more "stable" with regards to my other issues, and also more motivated for their specific program. It's funny how they are requiring me to be a lot better before they'll help me in any way to be better. Is that a bit backwards, or am I just crazy?