Relapse. Again. This time I made it up to about 111. Currently at 107.7, which is a BMI of 18.6. This is apparently now underweight for my age and height. I just turned 27, and with each year up you enter, the higher the BMI that says underweight for you. I know that any ED clinic would look at my BMI and think I was on the cusp, not actually underweight. So whatever. I don't consider myself underweight by any means... definitely not until I get under BMI 18. So fuck it.

I just couldn't handle the feelings that came up... yet again... around that 110-112 weight. It always happens, and I am always completely unable to face it alone (which is what always happens because I have nobody I can call for crisis that I have actually worked with in the last year or two), and so I always, always turn back to ED.

On the positive side (I think/ED doesn't think), I applied for the *resiprog* program in the country, a free, Christian, residential program in *place*. I have to call them sometime today and see how to get them the records they want... the last 2 years of my history from anyone who's been a treatment provider, including hospitals, etc. I was embarrassed by how many treatment providers and facilities I've actually had in those last 2 years. I guess what I'm going to have to do is sign a release of info and fax it to them, which they will then fax to the places to get the info. I hope that's what will happen, anyway, because I really cannot go to at least 5-6 different people and hospitals, including psychiatrists who no longer provide me care, to ask for records. Too many people I'd have to speak with; too much red tape. I can't even fathom it. If they can't help me with this part, the application simply will not get done. And this is only part ONE of the process. If I get approved after this, I have to go get a full physical including STD tests (no idea why they want that, but I don't have them, so I don't care), send them a self-written medical history, etc. After THAT I think there's an hour long phone interview... so yeah. It's going to be a lengthy process, so whatever I can do to speed it up is probably a good thing.

I know a lot of you may have heard very bad things about *resiprog*, because it's true that a lot of horrible shit went on in many of the other locations, but I've been talking to a girl who went to the program in our country and she said that all these horrible things basically are not happening in *mycountry*. They still have rules that will be hard to deal with -- for one thing, there is no TV, internet, or cell phones, and the only music you can bring is Christian music -- but at least they're not going to try to do exorcisms on me, condemn me for being gay/queer, try to indoctrinate me into some sort of weird cult-like system, etc. I honestly have too much spirit and intelligence to allow that shit to happen, anyway. As a Catholic, as well, I'm sure I will be asking a LOT of questions about theology that they're not necessarily used to. Catholics can spend lifetimes just trying to interpret scripture, whereas Protestants, fundamentalists, etc just take the Bible literally and don't do interpretation. I'm not sure what kind of Bible studies I'm going to run into there, but I know what Catholicism stands for in these matters and they will not be turning me into a non-Catholic. This is just what I AM, and they'll have to accept that. Questioning is in my nature, anyway, which is one reason I am Catholic rather than another denomination. I'm the weird kind of Catholic, meaning that I'm a liberal Catholic (I am still pro gay rights, pro choice, etc), but I'm also still Catholic and I come from a Catholic perspective where the Bible is concerned. So I'm sure that will play a part, as not everyone there will be Catholic and I have no idea what sort of denominations the program people might come from. I just have to be careful where Bible studies lead me.

Anyway, that's loads for this update... sorry if I bored you all with this stuff about Catholicism (I realize a lot of you believe in other stuff or are not spiritual). It's all new to me, to be honest. I only realized that I believed in God in later June, and shortly thereafter realized I was a Christian. It wasn't so long ago that I realized that the only church that seemed to suit me was the Catholic church. And, again, I am a liberal Catholic/Christian... I have some fairly radical beliefs, such as that anyone who believes in any kind of god or goddess is my sibling in God, and that I respect your religion no matter what it is. I will certainly never try to convince anybody out of their own religions. It is actually Papal doctrine that Catholics are not to force anybody into becoming a Catholic; but it's more than that for me. I would never force anything on anyone, period. I believe in freedom of choice, no matter what the choice, as long as you're not hurting others or taking away their rights with your choices. Hence why I am Catholic, pro gay rights, pro choice, and accepting of other religions. It doesn't hurt ME if others do what makes them happy.

Okay. I think I've rambled enough. Try to get some more coffee down, and take my last morning pill...