Well, I got down to about 104. Then I started binging at nights. Then, on the third day (two nights of binging), I think my head... I dunno, started to clear a little?

I realized: I don't want ED. And I do I want to eat.

And those sound like powerful thoughts, and they are, in a way. I'm letting myself eat. In meals and snacks, and trying to have relatively healthy stuff if I can. On the other hand, ED is like, "Fine, okay, you can eat now, and maybe for a little while longer, but then you might have to stop again."

Fact of the matter is, I don't want to be as big as I was before. I don't want to get past 110 ever again. In fact I'd prefer to maintain somewhere around this weight, or at least, if I have to do a gain/lose cycle, to start the lose cycle before 110 or just as I hit 110, and then to lose to at least low 100s, and cycle back if necessary. If I HAVE to binge, if I HAVE to fucking cycle around, I want to plan it, and have more control over it.

So it's like I'm throwing the wants-to-eat part a bone... but not too big a bone. Not a bone too unmanageable for the ED to deal with. I feel like in order to stay at all stable I have to do this.

I have my next appointment with my psychiatrist on August 1st. I was supposed to have been seeing her every two weeks, but then I got into a phase where I wanted zero to do with "therapizing", as I call it, and then when I finally did make an appointment I missed it because I thought it was on Thursday when it was on Tuesday. I know this one is actually on a Thursday, and the date is burned into my brain, so I won't miss this one, at least. But I also know I don't have to be therapized if I don't want to, and I know how to not let her in if I don't want her there. So, I guess, I've figured out how to control that too.

I mean, I want to be honest with her. I do. But part of the honesty would be that, if I didn't want to discuss something, I would tell her "I don't want to talk about that". Or talk about the not wanting therapy anything, if I felt that way. Honesty, for me, is in the moment. And if I tell her I don't want to talk about something, she knows there's more to it, but it's also TRUE that I don't want to talk about it. You know? I don't feel like I'm lying in saying that. It's more of a lie to force the words out when I'm not okay with it. That's how it feels, anyway.

I guess what happens happens. In the meantime, I have almost a week to kill. The heat (really the humidex) is insane, and threatens to stifle me at every turn, and I'm so BORED and I can't find anything to occupy my time in such a way that I feel fulfilled. I'm slightly depressed, still, but I'm also completely restless. I want everything to CHANGE, NOW, but I haven't got the means to do that unless I do something ridiculously self-destructive, and I don't want to do that. In the end, it won't fill up the hole inside me -- it will just be another distraction.

I don't want more goddamned distractions. I want answers, and I want the truth, and I want all this stupid disorder shit OUT OF ME.


PS: *resiprog* isn't going to happen. I got through part 1 of the application process and realized that this is a VERY Protestant organization (non-denominational apparently means non-denomination Protestant), and even just listening to the two lectures I heard in one day was completely overwhelming. There's no way I could go there and listen to two lectures a day, plus daily prayer and/or Bible study, plus groups, plus meals, plus chores... yeah, you can see why that would probably make me go UTTERLY INSANE. And I am NOT going to be indoctrinated into a religion that isn't Catholicism. So sorry, but no.