Written yesterday:


So tonight I had to go to the ER because my heart was racing a bazillion miles a minute and when I drank a bit of fluid, I almost threw it up... yeah. Had to have two bags of fluid as well as a REALLY FUCKING PAINFUL sugar bolus right into my IV, because my sugar was at 2.8 (not the American blood sugar scale, btw). This is, literally, the first time I’ve ever had to call 911 solely because of ED, although I’ve been dehydrated AND had low sugars before.

Tonight should have scared me more, I think... but it really doesn’t, because there’s not a thing in the world I can do to stop this if it’s going to happen. I mean, I can’t stop the behaviors on my own, so obviously whatever consequences come from those aren’t going to be just automatically stopped, either. I’ve been poked, prodded, and warned, but ED is just in the driver’s seat and I am the passenger, and when it’s not that way I can’t deal with anything. So... whatever’s going to happen will happen, I guess.


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Today, well, I still feel stable. Medically, you know. I kind of overate a bit yesterday (to me) because I guess I had gotten sort of scared by the blood-sugar-me-unable-to-get-off-kitchen-floor thing. But today... I am planning to eat what I normally eat (which I was told by the medical people is most definitely not enough -- as if I didn't already know that). And I'm planning to take my energy pills, although I was told point-blank by medical that I shouldn't take them anymore.

What fucking difference does it really make? If I get dehydrated again I can go back to the ER. They can't do sh!t to me in there anyway unless something else that doesn't have a quick fix is wrong. Hydration, sugars, they can fix that in an ER stay. I'm not so worried about it. I can't have the wolf in my stomach all day, and the energy pills are the only things that tranquilize it (mostly), so I will take them. I don't see another way, unless it was to give up ED, but I just CAN'T do that right now. I am incapable of doing it on my own. ED is too loud and too huge in my head to not listen to it. I can't fight it the way people want me to. I just can't. So there's no point in even trying.