Yesterday my weight was 98 lbs. BMI: 17. Solidly underweight. And yet I don't care, because I'm nowhere near where I need to be, and this body is still fat fat fat, and this is literally embedded into my brain now instead of being any kind of "other" voice or force... yet it still doesn't feel like me, precisely.

It's very very hard to describe how I see or interpret this thing in my head. There's nothing I can do to verbally challenge it, because it's not a voice. There's nothing I can do to attack it of itself, because it's not really a separate thing. It's IN me. It's a strange no-real-color nothingness that yet is somehow inside me, and it has complete control over my head. The closest it comes to any other disorder is OCD. I do not have a choice: I HAVE to do what I'm doing. Anything else is completely and absolutely unacceptable, and hardly crosses my mind as a serious possibility anyway. It's not a possibility because it's just not.

I can't describe it any better than that. I wish I could. I do feel that some brain switch has flipped now, or more likely many switches, and suddenly shifted my head into some different and strange kind of mode that I've never experienced before. I don't know how to feel about that... but it doesn't even matter how I feel about it, because it happened and now it's there. And that's it.

I'm going to the walk-in clinic today because I'm feeling a significant, hard thing where my transverse colon would be located in my body. I haven't taken a natural poo in probably at least a week and a half, maybe more... and when I did take a dose of Ex-Lax (a safe dose, for once in my life), all that came out was what was in the descending colon. Which is fine, and I'm glad it came out, but I'm worried about that big hard-feeling thing above it. I'm worried that maybe I have some sort of impaction and it's not GOING to move. So walk-in clinic it is for me... and I hope to God they don't test my sugars or something, because I doubt my sugars will be great, unless I manage to get a coffee in before. Hopefully if they did check my vitals they'd at least be acceptably normal.

These are the sorts of things I worry about lately. Hoping to God to stay out of the hospital as long as possible. Realizing that I won't be out forever because I'm bad at hydrating, I don't get nearly enough electrolytes, and now all these bowel issues on top of it. Realizing that if my weight keeps dropping and dropping, eventually I won't have a choice anymore, and I'll be certified in. It's all really fucking scary and I'm just trying to stay out of the damn hospital as much as is humanly possible. I mean, who actually likes the hospital? Not most people, anyway. And I'm sick of ERs and drips and paramedics and sugar boluses and being attached to heart monitors and being stitched up and all the rest of this fucking nonsense. I WANT OUT. But it's only a matter of time before I end up back in. And that is very, VERY disconcerting, to say the least.