Today, after two b/ps, barely any fluid
compensation, and a 20-hour sleep, I woke up and my weight was 79.4. BMI
at my "new" height: 13.6. I know that at least a couple pounds of the
"loss" is water weight, but still... I finally reached my goal of
under-80. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.
However.
This is the status I posted on my Facebook about 2 hours ago, using my mental health filter:
"I might ask my doctor to be admitted, again... I am really, seriously sick of this shit, and I finally hit my hopefully-last "weight" goal and I know it is not good, and I'm deteriorating even more (and, no, I didn't think that was actually possible). Yeah, sure, it's near Christmas, and I still don't have anybody any presents, but the truth is that I don't even care about Christmas this year because I don't care about anything... which is another sign. I just... I need to get better. I need to eat. I need to gain some weight. I need to get ready to go to residential, and have a shot at real, true ED recovery. I NEED these things, and it's time to stop kidding myself and stare it straight in the face. Yes, the gen hosp psych ward is hell, but if it's the only place I can get the help, it's the only place. I just need to be DONE WITH THIS FUCKING MONSTER IN MY HEAD."
I have also at this point sent a 4-minute phone message to my pdoc, in which I read this status aloud to her because otherwise my words would have failed me... telling her I think I want to try another admission. I asked her to call me back as SOON as she got the message, so I know she's actually in and at work (we're having a snowstorm right now, but it's not-quite 4 AM, so by 6 or 7 am the roads and conditions could be clear enough that things will be on the go). I'm not sure if she is required to work even on snow days... a lot of hospital personnel are, including doctors, but since she's the inpatient psychiatrist I'm not sure if it applies to her. She sees everyone who psychiatrically needs it that isn't admitted to the actual psych ward, and I know she's usually very busy in that capacity, but I'm not sure if this is still considered so essential that she has to come in despite what would for ordinary people be a snow day, including bus drivers, etc. It's truly hard to tell. But I'm really, REALLY hoping she IS in today, because I'd like her to personally arrange the admission so that I can get Dr. H as my inpatient psychiatrist if that's at all possible, because she knows the specifics of why I do NOT want to be admitted, EVER, under Dr. M or Dr. D (I have horrible, awful past histories with both of them). If I go in and get vitals, etc, done, and admit myself randomly, I could get any of the doctors and I won't actually have a choice. Last time Dr. C managed to get me admitted under Dr. H despite Dr. H technically not even having any beds inpatient, so my hope is that she can somehow work that magic again so I don't have to deal with a terrible psychiatrist, at the very least.
I'm rambling... but... I want this to happen, yes, and yet part of me of course does not and is terrified and all that garbage. But I know it does NEED to happen, and I have a couple of small plans I will be putting in place so I can't leave as quickly (such as getting one of my immediate family members to take my set of keys home with them). I want there to be deterrents if and/or when I decide I can't handle it again and "need" out... and lack of having a key with me is a significant deterrent. I think I will also give my debit card to my sister and ask her to take out money for the Christmas gifts I won't be able to buy my family if I'm in hospital, so that won't be playing on my mind. And not having the debit card on me will be a massive deterrent, too, because I won't be able to just pay for a cab to go to M House and get my spare key to go home.
Please don't praise me hugely for any of this... that kind of praise is scaring the fuck out of me right now, and lowers whatever bravery threshold I've managed to achieve thus far. Such comments hugely make me want to run and hide and never come out. So yeah. If you're going to praise me, at least be gentle? Or just... do the understanding thing. Understanding always works. :)
However.
This is the status I posted on my Facebook about 2 hours ago, using my mental health filter:
"I might ask my doctor to be admitted, again... I am really, seriously sick of this shit, and I finally hit my hopefully-last "weight" goal and I know it is not good, and I'm deteriorating even more (and, no, I didn't think that was actually possible). Yeah, sure, it's near Christmas, and I still don't have anybody any presents, but the truth is that I don't even care about Christmas this year because I don't care about anything... which is another sign. I just... I need to get better. I need to eat. I need to gain some weight. I need to get ready to go to residential, and have a shot at real, true ED recovery. I NEED these things, and it's time to stop kidding myself and stare it straight in the face. Yes, the gen hosp psych ward is hell, but if it's the only place I can get the help, it's the only place. I just need to be DONE WITH THIS FUCKING MONSTER IN MY HEAD."
I have also at this point sent a 4-minute phone message to my pdoc, in which I read this status aloud to her because otherwise my words would have failed me... telling her I think I want to try another admission. I asked her to call me back as SOON as she got the message, so I know she's actually in and at work (we're having a snowstorm right now, but it's not-quite 4 AM, so by 6 or 7 am the roads and conditions could be clear enough that things will be on the go). I'm not sure if she is required to work even on snow days... a lot of hospital personnel are, including doctors, but since she's the inpatient psychiatrist I'm not sure if it applies to her. She sees everyone who psychiatrically needs it that isn't admitted to the actual psych ward, and I know she's usually very busy in that capacity, but I'm not sure if this is still considered so essential that she has to come in despite what would for ordinary people be a snow day, including bus drivers, etc. It's truly hard to tell. But I'm really, REALLY hoping she IS in today, because I'd like her to personally arrange the admission so that I can get Dr. H as my inpatient psychiatrist if that's at all possible, because she knows the specifics of why I do NOT want to be admitted, EVER, under Dr. M or Dr. D (I have horrible, awful past histories with both of them). If I go in and get vitals, etc, done, and admit myself randomly, I could get any of the doctors and I won't actually have a choice. Last time Dr. C managed to get me admitted under Dr. H despite Dr. H technically not even having any beds inpatient, so my hope is that she can somehow work that magic again so I don't have to deal with a terrible psychiatrist, at the very least.
I'm rambling... but... I want this to happen, yes, and yet part of me of course does not and is terrified and all that garbage. But I know it does NEED to happen, and I have a couple of small plans I will be putting in place so I can't leave as quickly (such as getting one of my immediate family members to take my set of keys home with them). I want there to be deterrents if and/or when I decide I can't handle it again and "need" out... and lack of having a key with me is a significant deterrent. I think I will also give my debit card to my sister and ask her to take out money for the Christmas gifts I won't be able to buy my family if I'm in hospital, so that won't be playing on my mind. And not having the debit card on me will be a massive deterrent, too, because I won't be able to just pay for a cab to go to M House and get my spare key to go home.
Please don't praise me hugely for any of this... that kind of praise is scaring the fuck out of me right now, and lowers whatever bravery threshold I've managed to achieve thus far. Such comments hugely make me want to run and hide and never come out. So yeah. If you're going to praise me, at least be gentle? Or just... do the understanding thing. Understanding always works. :)
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