I always waver on the recovery front. Part of me always wants to recover and part of me is hellbent on destroying myself. Each part is so extreme that I can't at all balance any portion of them to get a grey area, and it's why I always have to flip to either one or the other. Right now I'm getting sucked back into the part that wants to destroy myself, for no better reason than that it's interesting. Honest to god, that's the reason. It interests me to see people's reactions, my body's reactions, how far I can push everything. What kind of a fucking person am I?? I'm no person at all. I'm despicable and terrible and I deserve everything I do to myself. And that attitude, of course, furthers my desire to implode.

I don't know. I don't know if I want recovery. I don't know if I could have it even if I wanted it. I don't know how far I've gotten myself into this -- if it's too far, now, to go back. If this coping mechanism is so entrenched that taking it away from me will result in me doing far worse things to myself than simply restricting. When I started my new job (which I have since quit), I was unable to do anything but eat somewhat normal portions through the day. How did I react? I started getting the urges to carve myself up again, and I actually began to do it. My mood plummeted. I started planning my own suicide, really truly meaning to do it. Suicide just because I couldn't control my fucking food! I mean, if it was you, would you rather be restricting or be dead??

Basically, I'm terrified of what will happen if I give this up. And I'm terrified of what's already happened the time or two that I've attempted, or been forced, to give this up. And it makes me think that this may never, ever have an end, except in death somehow caused by either one of my disorders or their side effects (I would consider suicide a part of borderline personality disorder rather than a side effect, for the record). And that is the most terrifying thought of all. Because if I really believed there was no other way out but suicide, I would do it. And I don't want to die. I really don't.

Yeah. Umm. I should make myself go to bed and get some sleep. I'm almost certain to feel better when I wake up tomorrow. At least I sure as hell hope I will.